Microwave oven

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A diagram of the microwave. Note that in this model a stack of money is used as the evil source. Older models often used Satan, but they have been rendered obsolete. A cute and lovable hamster serves as the guinea pig in this diagram.

A microwave oven, often called a nuclear oven as opposed to a conventional oven, is an object that could only be conceived by the cruelest minds in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL, most undoubtedly conceived by such abhorrid demon philosophers as Heinrich Himmler, Jack the Ripper, and Al Gore, in a fashion that Lucifer's own damned, radiating evilness served as a rudimentary template of unholy culinary design, the microwave is an ingenious yet simple device used to burn food around the edges, turn bacon into rubber, make biscuits into hockey pucks, burn water, create civil unrest in African countries, stale a newly opened can of Guinness, cancel your favorite TV sitcom, interrupt your wireless internet connection, excommunicate the Pope, and explode hamsters by zapping them with rays of concentrated evil. Rays of concentrated evil cause atoms to become angry, thus raising their temperatures. When turned on, a microwave oven goes bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!

First built in 1282, by sir Edmund Microwave; they work in exactly the opposite way that a refrigerator works, which uses concentrated good to cool and calm food. Modern microwaves often have built-in rotational devices in order to spread the evil more evenly. Modeled after the Easy Bake Oven, the microwave is now the simplest way to utilize evil. In the past applying evil was dangerous and unreliable due to the unpredictable nature of evil, while refrigerators have been in use since the stone age.

American-made micraves are great. They support jobs, which makes the higher price worth it.


The microwave oven was first invented by the ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes in 390 B.C. and was made of Styrofoam. It was powered by a turbine, which was spun by two snakes tied end-to-end, which slithered around a wheel. They were made by Aristophanes for his friends and mistresses. Because of their materials, only one of the many thousands made has survived, which is kept under constant surveillance in the Pentagon. No written blueprints exist for these first ovens, as Aristophanes was illiterate.

Incidentally, food was invented 20 years before the modern microwave oven, which was originally invented in 1954 by Milton Bradley for the U.S. Pentagon as a weapon of mass destruction due to its cancer causing capacity. Later it was later repackaged as a cooking device. To date, the microwave is the third most popular carcinogen after NutraSweet™, underarm deodorant, and television.



Microwaves are known to have been first invented by Tiger Toys as a means of disposing of unwanted and often demonically possessed furbys. The grating placed on the doors is not a "radiation shield" but a reinforced steel grating blessed by Pope Masta Rymez X to contain furbys. One simply lures the furby into the microwave by saying "Oo si himoo gigi ka-ta!" Translated in English to mean "There's a helpless infant in the shiny box!" One then slams the door shut and presses the conveniently located one-touch cooking button labeled "Possessed Furry Animal ". The furby may then begin uttering curses and making threats such as "Doo-moh! Kah mee mee dah boh-bay.!" meaning "I'm going to gouge your eyes out with my beak and then set fire to your loved ones!" and it may also say "May may....u-nye. U-nye.... boo may may kah?" meaning "Your grandmother is a very promiscuous woman." (Warning signs of demonic furbys include asking you to press the reset button in its mouth because it is sick. It really wants to bite off your entire arm.)

Microwave Oven 0.8 Beta was first released to the public in 1960. This application was particularly bulky, and tended to cause a general protection fault when cooking un-endangered species. This precluded it from being embraced by the mainstream market. Even so, it was followed by the first full release, Microwave Oven 1.0, in early 1961. Of note, this earliest version was plagued by manufacturing problems which allowed some of the generated evil to escape the containment device. After it was discovered that Microwave Oven 1.0 played a major part in the Bay of Pigs incident, a patch was quickly released. It is suspected that Bill Gates may have come into contact with an un-patched version of Microwave Oven 1.0 during a first grade class trip.

Microwave Oven 2.0 was brought to market in 1980, this time at a price point which allowed American consumers to bring the wonders of evil generation into their own homes. Although version 2.0 contained the generated evil much more completely than version 1.0, some evil still escaped into the environment. The large number of Microwave Oven 2.0s which were put into service during the 1980s certainly played a part in the spike in gasoline prices, the increase in the national debt and budget deficits, and the massive build-up of weapons by the United States.

In 1998, Microwave Oven 3.0 was clandestinely developed by the Pentagon. Version 3.0 was provided exclusively to the GOP, free of charge. George W. Bush completed construction of a Microwave Oven 3.0 sleeping chamber inside the bunker under his ranch in Crawford, Texas in 1999. On the Democratic side of the aisle, Al Gore was known to keep a Convection/Toaster Oven Version 2.0 in his sauna; clearly this had little effect against the evil power of Microwave Oven 3.0.

Unnamed sources inside the administration have leaked classified information which indicates that Vice President Dick Cheney's "pacemaker" is actually a tiny Microwave Oven 3.0, and that Donald Rumsfeld is, in fact, a robot whose core technology is driven by Microwave Oven 3.5 beta.

Marshmallow Peeps[edit]

If you put a Marshmallow Peep in the microwave, it is great fun to watch it get bigger and bigger and bigger and then explode and cover the entire inside of of the microwave evil with good sugary sticky stuff. A popular American pastime is to put two Marshmallow Peeps in at the same time and taking bets on which one will envelope the other first. This is known as Peep Jousting.


The microwave can quickly become an explosive device due to its connection with the Pentagon. Use extreme caution when reheating Peeps, hard boiled eggs, hamsters, and chicken McNuggets.

Also, do not open the door. when you do, it will turn on and kill you.

  • Some items contain naturally occurring metals such as salt (sodium), aluminum foil, Orcs, and spoons and forks. These can create massive sparks if they're in the path of beams of evil.
  • Compact discs are particularly sensitive and will explode, releasing vast amounts of evil if microwaved. This is especially true of AOL CDs, which are made of pure evil.
  • One must also take care when microwaving potatoes or food items stored in plastic bags. The skin of the potato or the plastic bag must be punctured prior to microwaving. The purpose of this is to let the excess potassium out. If this is not done the item may explode leaving mashed potatoes splattered all over the inside of the microwave.

Microwave Ovens and the Urban Ecosystem[edit]

Due to leaks in microwave ovens and their widespread use, evil is being released at an alarming rate in urban areas. People in these dense urban areas are bombarded by exponentially more evil than those in rural areas. This has led to an increase in crime among the poor, who use microwave ovens more often than the rich, due to the abundance and low cost of evil.

Some social health activists have been advocating the widespread use of tinfoil hats in dense urban areas where evil is most prominent, though religious leaders are opposed to this because it also keeps good from entering the body. Doctors and scientists are divided on the issue of effectiveness of tinfoil hats in the control of the spread of evil.

Due to the progress of cheaper technology and rise of public expectations hotels have unintentionally become hot-spots of evil. With a small, inexpensive, poorly shielded microwave oven in every room, the concentration of evil-per-square-foot in a standard Holiday Inn exceeds that of Disney World by a factor of 12. Instead of correcting the issue hotel managers have embraced it and become the site of choice for orthodontic, life insurance, furries, and vacuum cleaner conventions.

Experiments That Might Be Really Interesting Involving Microwave Ovens[edit]

All of these Experiments are not recommended they can cause harm or death if tried!

  • Get a mobile phone. Place it in a microwave, give it full power for ten minutes. Listen to the mobile phone on another phone as it cooks.
  • Get a laptop with wi-fi or bluetooth, and run a 'computer performance diagnostics' type program that shows chip temperature and etc. Again, microwave at full power for ten minutes, while observing the program on another computer.
  • Take a sheet of tinfoil and tear it into small strips; roll these strips into loosely wrapped balls. Fill a glass bottle halfway with drain cleaner. Quickly, pour the foil balls into the half-full bottle and cap it tightly. Throw it in the oven for twelve minutes. For your own safety, you may want to hide behind a large piece of furniture or an obese American.
  • Find an African elephant and compress it down to the size of a golf ball. Turn the microwave on high for 17 hours and watch the elephants insides come out through its tusks. Eventually everyone in the room with you will explode and shit everywhere, and the elephant will become supreme ruler of the universe.

Microwave Grape Racing[edit]

Get a bunch of grapes and some friends (if you do not have any friends, join Myspace and get some emos instead). Each select a grape and write your name on it in ballpoint pen. Place grapes in microwave and start cooking. As the juice inside the grapes heats up, it will expand and squirt out of the little hole where the grape was attached to the vine (this is the grape's anus, I expect). Due to the wonders of Science, this will cause the grape to move forward. Whoever's grape moves farthest is the winner.

  • Note: Disappointingly, this does not work with plums. Plums are too large and heavy, so they just squirt out loads of horrible hot goo which will go all over the inside of the microwave, and your mum will smack your bum for making a mess. It might work with hamsters, though.

Was Stonehenge An Ancient Microwave Oven?[edit]

World famous archaeologist Professor Thomas Oldefart has put forward the theory that Stonehenge, the mysterious ring of giant stones standing on Salisbury Plain, is in fact an ancient microwave.

"Well, it works like this...all the ancient earthworks in the area are gathering orgone energy, chi energy and earth-spirit energy, then transmitting them via ley-lines to the henge. Once there, they charge up the stones which then convert them into electricity, and the stones transmit that in the form of microwaves to the heel stone, where they're converted into heat. In an experiment, my team placed a raw chicken on the heel stone and left it for twenty minutes. The first attempt failed, because a fox stole the chicken. But second time around, we returned to the stone and discovered the chicken was perfectly cooked - we ate it with some french fries and it was delicious." (Extract from 'Is Stonehenge An Ancient Microwave?', author Professor. Thomas Oldefart, University of The New Age Press 1998).

"An ancient microwave? Jeez, is this guy even a real professor or did he buy his doctorate for $100 off some spammers? And I bet he had the shits after that experiment, everyone knows you can't cook raw chicken in a microwave." (Extract from 'Professor Thomas Oldefart Is A Stupid Old Hippy Who Takes Way Too Much LSD", author Dr. Tim de Bunker, Oxford University Press 1999).

See also[edit]

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