Middle-earth

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The map of Middle Earth. Oh my god, Shire is a island and fuckin' Greece is a mass forest...


Middle Earth is a land in the absolute center of the Earth. Although the absolute center of the Earth is a dimensionless singularity, using the power of imagination yields the map to the right. Even though there are some vague similarities, it should not be confused with Europe. Despite the lies (they're fucking LIES, goddammit!) spread by the famous liar J.R.R. Tolkien that he viciously spreads over the Brie of time, Middle Earth is not Europe or anything like it. It looks more like New Zealand.


Etymology[edit]

The name comes from the American-Martian mydlerf, which literally translates to I ripped this off from Norse mythology or J.R Tolkien I cannot remember.


Geography[edit]

Middle Earth lies neither in this galaxy or the next. It is actually the 4-d representation of the fictional reality in J.R.R. Tolkien's mind realm (brought to reality by YOU, the fan). It is said to be populated by the angry souls of the defective crotch dumplings produced from the dank loins of fandom. Also there are trolls. And orcs.

It is more commonly known to the geeks on Wikipedia as the Earth's Core. How wrong they are. Only Apples have cores, douchebag! And Marines, they have a corps too...but don't say the "ps" or you sound like a douchebag!

In other words, when you die in Middle Earth, your soul goes to hell...in Earth. Good people go to take a ship from the Grey Havens and never, ever die.

It is bordered by Narnia to the North and New Zealand to the South as well as Hyrule above it, The Mushroom Kingdom next to that, New Zealand next to that, and The Internet beneath it.

Population[edit]

Elf
Orc

In addition to humans, the population of Middle Earth consists of:

  • Hobbits, yeah, those pretty faces with hairy feet and dwarf-like stature.
  • Elves, pretty boys that think themselves lord of creation (it's man, dumb fucks, read the Bible!
  • Dwarves. Teachers. University lecturers with long beard who preach about those long, lost days on their youth when they smoked weed and said nothing about everything.
  • Dorks, uhh I mean Orcs. Otherwise know as wannabe humans with weird colored skin.
  • Fairies. Working in the light bulb industry. Help children gets lost in forests, to get cheap workers for slave-factories in Neverland.
  • Pixies. Live in Iceland and warble a lot about their sad economy. Many times confused with the Fairies.
  • Smurfs . Otherwise known as Belgians . Addicted to crack.
  • Gnomes. Find them in Swiss banks stuffing their faces with chocolate. Yep, straight out of Harry Potter and Travelocity.
  • Goblins. Orcs after a makeover (not saying much). Also referring to some women that participate in Miss Universe.
  • Leprachauns. Irish Trolls who drink too much at your expense. Always got red noses and are mainly loudmoths thay say they got a huge load of...gold hidden somewhere far away, where they want to show it to you...perverts.
  • Banshees. Scottish trolls who work at the takeaway 'Hong Kong Garden'. Some sing on Metal ands and are quite popular among Emo and their fathers, the Goths
  • Ants (they look like talking trees but, oh no, those are Ants on steroids)
  • Ents (Walking trees... they are not called ants)
  • Eyeballs They are always watching!
  • People who Can Spell (Yoo mene tou tel mee whee kant spel?) Since they haven't invented kindergarten on Middle Earth...yet.
  • Intelligent Elephants (You mean to tell me our elephants aren't intelligent?)
  • Neopets, as many as you like. I can't count.
  • Trolls, They lurk on the interweb deep in the misty servers and will pounce to feed on naivete.
  • Tatermen, some kind of ghost or something.
  • People who Can Count, Because theres only really 3 types of people those who can count and those who cant. One is an elf, the other is an orc, who is the third one? Hint: Not the Human.
  • Turks, They use magic Hookahs to keep the forces of Mordor and Iran at bay. Have big noses and are frequently seen eating Shish Kabob.
  • Nerds Dress up like elves and orcs in their grandmother's basement. Think their skinny bodies look good inside armor made of cardboard and plastic. Have some weird addiction to taking pictures of their "swords" out of their "sheaths".
  • Goths Dress up like Nerds but with black lipstick and eyeliner. Are the ancestors and forefathers of the Emos.
  • Spartans, They have a hobby of going around yelling at the Turks and Persian and kicking them into an oblivious ditch just for fun.
  • MMORPG People, Poor souls that cannot control their own actions; instead they are being moved around by geeks sat behind computers, who even dare to choose their profession, race and gender! I feel like a woman, don't click male, nooo! Spearman my ass! I want to be the Saaavior of the Woorld!
  • Dwarves (does it need to be said?)

Middle Earth in Popular Culture[edit]

Middle Earth was first popularised in Peter Jackson's book the Lord of the Rings. Tolkien was then accused of plagiarism since he only copied it for his coursework.

Another plagiarism of Middle Earth are:

Europe: Elves? Orcs? Politicans? You didn't came up with them? Chinese did!

Middle World: Come on, Stephen King! You just changed one word!! Think we wouldn't notice that?

Many inhabitants are offended when talking about The Lord of the Rings. Well, you live in a place that's hot like you ate liquid Chilli Con Carne and has weather worse than New Zealand and then someone comes along and says it's a lovely paradise? Even you'd think of them as a bit of a tard. Until you buy a ticket, go there and stay for the rest of your life. On Middle Earth, of course.

They regularly hold Boom Burning Festivals held by Stephen Hawking since he Kitten Huffed his way to Middle-earth. This is because his body kinda sporked itself through his own head, leading him to suddenly appear in Middle-earth.

See also[edit]

Our Earth's equivalent of the Eye of Sauron, in North Korea