Middlesbrough

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“I thought I was working-class until I came here”

~ Scouser on Middlesbrough

Middlesbrough is an open-air demonstration of the dangers of the Industrial Revolution. It has been allowed to remain as a boil on the face of Yorkshire as a warning to any aliens who may pass Earth that whatever happens, they should never invent anything so terrible. Middlesbrough is twinned with Hiroshima. Founded in 1972, by a group of wealthy businessmen , who needed to set up large chemical processing plants and decided that the strange, primitive tribes who lived along the banks of the small stream known as the Tees would suffice as worker ants. The businessmen often had their wicked way with the subnormal tribespeople. Indeed 97% of the town's current inhabitants can trace their descendents to the town's founders. The town commemorates its heritage by wearing period clothes from the time (tracksuits made of nylon) on an everyday basis.

Traditionally a major steel producing area, the main industries of the town now consists of Nuclear Waste plants, Toxic Waste Plants, Chemical Plants, Oil refineries and docks. Middlesbrough also offers the greatest bargains available in the U.K (even world if you remove Iraq) as the Superstore Smack Converters, offers brand new (albeit off the back of a truck) electronic goods for the price of a "tenner bag". Middlesbrough boasts many sites of interest, including the largest public toilets and bath house in the world, both are known by the locals as the 'River Tees' and fair game Sally, mother whore and Mayoress. The town is renowned for it's football team, who have spent over £8 billion on poor quality Brazilian and Italian players and as a result single-handedly maintain the economy of Brazil and have achieved the mighty honour of the UEFA cup and are now likely to start the 2009-10 season in the Fizzy Pop League....

History[edit]

It is thought that the area was first settled in the 5th century by the Angles who used the area as a settlement for criminals and other miscreants. Indeed the town's name derives from the Angles' word 'Miaedfyll', meaning thief and 'Burh' which of course means town. Evidence from the Doomesday book refers to a settlement called 'Maeddefyls Burgh' or 'Thieves Town'. Records of the town after this time are scarce, with just one piece of writing describing how the settlement was stolen, presumably by the residents.

Middlesbrough Today[edit]

In 2002, Middlesbrough residents were able to vote for a Geordie reject Mayor for the first time and elected Robocop from the Robocop movies as Mayor of Middlesbrough. Since coming to power, Robocop (real name Roy Mallon) has introduced a number of new police rules, such as leaving drug dealers immune to the law if they pay the rent. Robocop wants to destroy the evil lands of Gresham as his rivals are the TS1 crew, a group of astronauts from a parallel universe where Juninho Paulista was the ninth coming of Christ. At first he suggested carpet bombing the area but due to human rights laws he has modelled his plan of action on that of the Israeli's in Palestine. His favourite hobby is ordering green shutters to be put up on houses in Grove Hill. In 2007, it is now used for housing those not welcome in the more cultural towns, unlike Bradford which does not have any housing. Middlesbrough gained brief renown as the UK's home of Paedophilia, but the paedos all left because the kids were too ugly.

The industry that supports the inhabitants of Middlesbrough also limits their life expectancy to late 40s. In this respect it does them a favour, expediting an end to years of suffering ugly architecture, smog and dreadful long-ball football.

Due to the town's heavy industry Middlesbrough has become globally renowned for its population of mutants. However, unlike the characters of X-Men or some obscure Japanese anime with immense super powers, the mutants here simply have tongues too long for their mouths, sloped foreheads, hunched backs, abnormally long fore-arms and/or skin folds they use to conceal weapons, foodstuffs such as parmos and also their offspring.

Architecture[edit]

Under Robocop's rule good architecture has been abolished and many areas of the town are being demolished and rebuilt with flatpacks from Ikea. Noticeably, two sculptures, one based on the abstract concept of women fucking themselves with winebottles made from barbed wire and another a giant silver phallic object seemingly desiring to mate with the Debenhams building are still standing.

Facilities[edit]

The Natives of Middlesbrough are rightfully proud of the facilities available in their thriving little cess pit. The town boasts no fewer than two bus stops, a Wilkinsons and 25,000 brothels. At Robocop's insistence part of the city has been levelled and paved over to serve as a dumping ground for Whale corpses and broken scalextric sets.

Middlesbrough also has wide range of drug dens where you can buy allsorts of mind enhancing drugs from crack to calpol (all to be taken in moderation, other wise death to those who cross the line of moderation)

Nightlife[edit]

The locals take their nightlife seriously and know how to have a good time. If they're not hanging round one of the two bus stops with a bottle of cheap cider, then they can no doubt be found doing the same in one of the town's badly lit parks. Theres also a hill near Eston, its a dump of a town full of slags, eitherway, my names wrote on the top of that hill somewhere, even though ive never been to the top of it, good eh? it'll probably be a deathlist or something. At the top end of the market, Karaoke night at South Bank Social Club, the chicest venue in town is definitely the place to be seen, as the local intelligensia debate the dates that their electronic tags are due to be removed, whilst elegantly sipping chilled Lambrusco or LCL pils. Not to mention the warm mugging received after your cab ride home and the local delights of crack whores pissing in the streets....NICE!

Education[edit]

The education in Middlesbrough is the most advanced in the country, with a total of 7 primary schools, 3 secondary schools, 1 college and 1 university. Teeside University is famous worldwide for its four-year Angry Dragon BSc (with a year in industry) degree which features the most advance research in this field. Other subjects taught in Middlesbrough include Incest, Cidernomics, Parole Violation, Gobbing ,Parrot Baiting and extra limb/digit growth (courtesy of ICI).

The influx and outflux of much of Middlesbrough's community are students who attend the University. These vary from pasty, flabby programmers, to people who went through clearing to go to any course. The union is ran by the dictatorship regime of Upson, who is constantly surveying the grounds on his military stealth helicopter.

Famous attenders to the university include Mike McShaffrey (head programmer on microsoft bicycle casino), Johnn Karmack, Mathhew Pearson ( BA honours in retardedness), and Beachy Davis, upon whom the university was built. Rumour has it that Beachy is in fact an incarnation of education, bound to a mortal shell, as he currently holds 31 BScs (3 in Angry Dragon), 21 MBcs, 3 BAs and a foundation in sports therapy.

Famous People from Middlesbrough[edit]

  • Captain James Cook, who in a desperate try to get out of middlesbrough, attempted to sail around the world, got eaten by savage Geordies in Gayland. To this day Middlesbrough and Newcastle are enemies.
  • Colonel Muamar Gadaffi, Libyan Pop Star.
  • Gavin Hart, Blues Legend, fought in the crown, ate parmo and left no woman under 12st untouched.
  • Jefferson Davis, President of the Confederate States of America.
  • Trevor Ratface, Britain's most unemployable man.
  • Paul Daniels, Rug wearing crap magician.
  • Journey South, Useless X-Factor losers who are only mentioned to make up the numbers.
  • Pauline Fowler, Daft cunt off Eastenders.
  • Sir Shaun Liam Kay of Saltersgillshire
  • Captain Birdseye, A sea-faring Paedophile who spent most of his life in a Middlesbrough youth club.
  • Hannibal Lector, inventor of the Medium Human Parmo with chips, salad and garlic sauce.
  • Harold Shipman, head medical lecturer university of boro..(teeside for the politically correct wankers brigade)
  • Teesside Tintin, also known as Tin-Head, foul-mouthed, ginger-haired, dog-groping, drug-dealing homo-phobe.
  • *Evil* Harry Shingles, also known as Masturbating Maurice with the shit tattoos
  • Ron Burgundy aka fingering freddie - no orifice is safe
  • Carlos Sanches Escobar aka Harry The Tramp
  • Smoggy Dicko, Geordie Turncoat!
  • The crackhead who plays guitar outside of Peters, but is suprisingly good
  • Steve Goldby, The ponytail wearing antichrist of message boards
  • Joe "The hammer" Tyrrell, the man with rather large genitalia, known to swing his "piece" around in uncontrollable rages
  • Stewart Downing, a "footballer" of dubious ability who was picked for England because Steve McLaren was willing to choose literally anyone.
  • Fisting Freddie - The worlds best adult entertainer