Mike Oldfield

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Mike Oldfield is a progressive rock artist who really likes his mandolins and has long nails. He became famous for his debut album, Tubular Balls, and his not-so-debut album "Crises, Crises, Ya Can't get away". Everything else he made wasn't interpreted as music by anyone but fans of the Mandolin.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article very remotely related to Mike Oldfield.


The Classic Years[edit]

Tubular Balls (1973)

This album was what came out of mike's tough childhood *ahem* teenage angst. After doing some shit with his sister and Kevin Ayers, he went to the virgin manor, where he wanted to show his tapes to Richard Branson, the virgin himself. Exept he forgot the tapes. With the help of one the great virgin's slaves, he went back home and got them. and of course, Richard liked them, because he payed for the petrol and petrol isn't bloody cheap, okay? Anyhow, it went number one everywere, even inspiring William Friedkin to use it in his movie, "Fifty Shades of Grey". This has two tracks because Mike fell asleep while mixing the album, so, not wanting to upset the deppressive drunk, Tom Newman didn't separate it.

Hergest Midget (1974)

After experiencing a Jon Anderson, Mike went to some place in the countryside to write his new epic, Hergest Midget, which was completely based around Yes' frontman. This went number one as well, beacause people thought it would've been a "Tubular Balls 2". Around this time period he also released a single, "In Dolby Surround Sound", in which he foretold the future, leading loyal fans to believe he now posesses a time machine. Since the two-track-per-album format worked out well, it was recycled for this release.

Ommacock'sonfire (1975)

Mike started work on his future album, contracting Paddy Maloney, who played Ullieallieaenaaliean Pipes, and Jabula, an ancient tribe who, after getting Carl Palmer's blessing, learned to bang some drums. What the young man didn't expect was for Paddy to play an excruciating noodley solo, then setting Oldfield's penis on fire. The Jabula crew didn't help, they just stood there hitting Mike's member with their sticks, bringing further pain to the multi-instrumentalist. Mike really liked that sound, so he decided to stick that on the master tapes. Problem is, these are shit at doing what they're meant to do, so it shed it's oxide layer, forcing Mr. Oldfield to re-record that scene. The album reached number 4, beacause people get tired of mandolins, you know.


After losing his mother and locking himself in a rat-infested house, again, in the coutryside, he heard from said rats that there was a rather funky experiment going on in London by the name of Exogesis. it would, apparently, de-construct and then re-construct the body of a pretty gloomy someone. Mike, being highly deppressed after hearing people didn't want mandolin, took the offer. Oh boy, did he ever fuck up!

Oldfield Goes "Pop!" (Litterally)[edit]

Incantation (1978)

Having begun work on this album before Exogesi'ing himself, it features instrumentation from both his solid and his rather shameful careers. After Ommacock'sonfire, Oldfield made the buisness decision to create a 2-LP four-track beast. That is referred to as an "Incantation". From a fan's standpoint, it was really fucking boring. Obviously, nobody cares about what place in the charts albums get from here on, so i'll save you the read. If you really wanted, you could go to those nerds over at Wikipedia.

Exposing the Stones (1978)

Back in the day when he actually spoke to his sister (which is sooo mainstream now, amirite?), Mike ended up being a small aqcuaintace of Jagger and Richards. After trying to contact them several years later, wanting to do a collaboration or two, getting no reply (at all) because no one liked him, he truly wanted to expose Mick and Keith for the beasts they were. And what was the best way of doing said thing? Through a live album, of course!

Gold (1979)

At this point in time, Mike still had a disease known as Prog Rock, so, the first side of this album is comprised of one "epic", in the words of Peter Sinfeld. The rest is pretty much little cute songs no prog-rocker should ever even think about, A.K.A. Mike being Mike. For some reason, the american label who was supposed to release it liked to fuck around with Mikey, renaming the album to "On the Air" and making it a double album for some banter.

JF6 (1980)

When he almost died from an alcoholic trauma on a boat from drinking way too many PiƱa Colada's, Mike decided to do a whole album based on some fucking boat. Oh, and his then six-month old daughter Molly composed and played a track on it, which is probably the highlight, since Mike was on something at the time, explaining the seemingly random name and the bad songs. Oh well, parenting at its best, am i right?

637 Kilometers In (1982)

Again, Mike almost died. This time, of thirst on an airplane in the centre of the earth with Rick Wakeman and his prized collection of keyboards. After reading NME's review of OP7, suicidal thoughts came to mind, but, encouraged by his wife Sally and his personal bitch Richard Branson, he recorded yet another album inspired by transports. He considered releasing another album the following year called "The Bullet Train", but couldn't afford to go to Japan because of the ridiculous losses of all tours he was ever in.

Crises, Crises, Ya can't Get Away (1983)

After getting a fair amount of fame with the new single from his prior album, Mike thought: Hey, i could actually make a living out of making music! This gave him the inspiration to write "Crises, Crises, Ya can't get away" and the concept for the meaningless album cover. This was the album that finally payed off all of those fucking tours. But Mike really liked to contradict himself, so what does he do? He sticks a 20 minute song on the first side, making it so that people who wanted to hear the album fell asleep and didn't hear the pop songs. For some reason, it did really good in the charts.

Discovery of Your Awful Music (1984)

With his brand spankin' new album out, Mike thought: "Hey, i should actually listen to it!". That led to a near death heart attack, which made him really think about how safe the 45 quid he profited from the "Crises" tour were, immediatelly going to switzerland and depositing said sum in a bank account. But a dramatic turn of events followed, since Oldfield actually liked the Swiss, eventually moving and having an affair there and then. Finally, he saw some shitty lake and wrote an instrumental for it. Then, he realized he needed some filler tracks to release an album, so he just copied what came before.

The Birthing Fields (1984)

The birth of his 57th child gave Mike the inspiration for a soundtrack for a movie that was then called "The Killing Fields". With Mike's request, the movie and soundtrack's names were changed to the present one. While Mike regards this a good work from his discography, everyone else regretted spending their hard earned money on the most useless album that ever saw the light of day.

On An Island (2006)

On an Island is the third solo album by Pink Floyd member David Gilmour. It was released in the UK on 6 March 2006, Gilmour's 60th birthday, and in the US the following day. It was his first solo album in twenty two years since 1984's About Face and twelve years since 1994's Pink Floyd album The Division Bell. It also proved that not only could Mike time travel, but also shape-shift.

The one nobody cares about. (1989)

Carry on...

Amarok (1990)

Being sandwiched between two of Oldfield's less good albums, this really stands out. Oh, and also because of the fact it sports only one hour-long epynominous track, which blew the socks off his 6 dedicated fans at the time.

Heaven's Closed (1991)

Like "The one nobody cares about.", Heaven's Closed is disregarded by Oldfield's (rather small) fanbase, mostly because Mike sung himself, turning the new 12 fans he got from "Amarok" deaf, thus neutralizing the effect the prior had on his career.

Tubular Balls 2 (1992)

After breaking away from the one and only Richard Branson's so-called dictatorship, Mike backstabs his former bitch releasing an album that Ole' Dick wanted to get his paws on since "Gold", except with "Warn Her Music". Everything after that is dull, to say the least.

The Snogs From Distant Spiders From Mars (1994)

This album is based around the philosophy that spiders are really snuggly animals who, i promise, won't kill you in your sleep or turn you into spiderman, or whatever you nerds want to call it. Also, it is widely believed by fans that David Bowie was in a secret relationship with Mike at this time, thus providing him with "original ideas".

Traveller (1996)

Mike is so handsome with his celtic clothing and his celtic mandolin and his celtic face and his celtic egocentrism and his celtic mistress and his celtic children and his celtic smile in the back cover, isn't he?

Tubular Balls 3 (1998)

Midlife crisis really took its toll on Mike, who decided to buy a multi-million pound mansion in ibiza to attend raves at popular clubs like Pachacha and consume high volumes of red wine and/or ecstasy. Again, this album represents the phisical milking for money from the tubular balls franchise, and the phisical milking of Richard Branson, and i will leave it at that.

Pianos (1999)

The ecstasy consumed by Oldfield made him flashback to the old days of 28283829283 Kilometers In, remembering getting slapped in the face by Rick Wakeman with a Fairlight CMI. That suddenly made him hate any kind of keyboard to guts, this album being his manifesto.

The Millenium Ball (1999)

Cu4tro Lunas (2002)

The unofficial soundtrack to the game "Corey's in the house: the Game".

Tubular Balls 2003 (1745)

Do you want another iteration of tubular bells? No? Do you want it to be lifeless? No? Then you, my friend, don't understand music.

Light - Shade (Who Gives a fuck really?)

Mike's best album up to date, where he did... stuff. That was sarcasm, by the way.

Music of the Balls (A.K.A. Tubular Balls 1858838403948959) (1896)


Woman on the Stones (2015)

Mike does an album with some emo 14-year-old british lad...

Summing it All Up[edit]

Mike Oldfield did some good shit and some bad shit, just don't look at the bad shit or you will get a permanent scar in your brain, just like me.