Military Credenza

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Confederate Brigadier General Samuel U. Sideburns

A Military Credenza is a new class of weaponry that was introduced in the latter part of the 2nd world war. Its primary purpose was to disable enemies with superior brunch and dinner service and its success has seen it deployed in the dining rooms of major conflicts all over the world since its inception.

Featuring design refinements common to both cabinets (doors) and tables (a top), they are primarily large, very heavy, made of wood, and generally look imposing but utterly useless. Their baffling pointless appearance is supposed to lull an enemy into thinking it's just a piece of furniture.

Early History[edit]

The first recorded concept of a Military Credenza was in 1863 and is attributed to Confederate Brigadier General Samuel Ultra Sideburns. A journal entry by one of his subordinates indicated that he was considering applying catering methodology to warfare. His early ideas however were crude: consisting of cooking bacon in a cast iron pan and then bludgeoning an enemy with it.

Most modern crendenzatic engineers believe this would have ultimately failed as the bacon would have fallen out of the pan while swinging it. Sadly Brig. Gen. Sideburns never had the opportunity to deploy his brainchild as he was killed on the 3rd day of Gettysburg when he fell on his own spork (he had been eating cantaloupe at the time).

Some historians speculate whether he would have invented the military credenza (a century early) if he had lived. Others think he just liked bacon and hitting people.

Contemporary Development[edit]

The military credenza recognized today was in fact developed during World War II in a major project called the Jersey City Project. Using IKEA scientists, who had recently been liberated from Nazi controlled Scandinavia, the US military expended tens of hundreds of dollars to develop a weapon capable of keeping the enemy too well-fed to fight. This was the Military Credenza.