Military Of New Zealand

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Military Of New Zealand

Kiwi Logo by capoeiracalado.JPG
Also Called: NZDF
Category: Embarrassment
Type: Surrender
Location: France
Significance: Next To None
Website: Now Discontinued Due To Cut-Backs In Government Funding
Additional Information
New Zealand Army Soldier.jpg
A New Zealand Soldier Serving Overseas

The New Zealand Defence Force comprises three services:

The Commander-in-Chief of the NZDF is New Zealand's Governor-General, Fredd Dagg, who exercises his power on the advice of facts & quizzes found on the underside of beer bottle caps.

The commander and head of the NZDF is the Chief of Defence Force, Lieutenant General & VC Winner, Jake The Muss, who also acts as the primary military advisor to the Minister of Defence, Jango Fet.

New Zilland 's armed forces have three defence policy objectives:

  • To defend New Zealand against verry verry low-level threats
  • To contribute to regional security, that is, restoring order to small pacific nations whose populations have trouble understanding democracy;
  • And to play a insignificant part in global security matters.

Also, to protect us from the Arsehole of the world.

New Zealand believes that having cool friends will keep it safe, and that, due to its geographical isolation, it does not need an air-combat force.


New Zealand Forces have served with the British, The Steve Irwin Australian Expeditionary Force (nicknamed the Stingrays), and a shitload of other nations, with the most notable exception of the Americans.

New Zealand has played a part in:

Nuclear War for the nuclear-free New Zealand[edit]

The NWFTNFNZ, in the 1980s, involved heavy casualties. Three Kiwis, 300,669 Australians and a couple sheep died in the war that lasted a little over 46 minutes. An American nuclear battleship stationed itself off the coast of New Zealand. When the NZ Government denied it entry into port, the war began as the battleship launched a nuclear warhead, but the proudly American-made Windows military application mistook the Sydney harbour bridge for Auckland's harbour bridge. The warhead struck Sydney, resulting in the Australian death toll. The entire New Zealand death toll owes to the celebrations that followed, and excessive consumption of alchohol.

The Three Services[edit]

The Royal New Zealand Transport Force[edit]

“Um..Where the fuck did my skyhawk go?”

~ Quote From An RNZAF Pilot Arriving At Work

The RNZTF, Previously known as the RNZAF (Royal New Zealand Air Force) is the main transport and logistics service in the NZDF.

During the RNZAF days New Zilland had some of the best pilots in the world, but in 2001 the Labour government stationed in Helengrad, or 'Wellington', disbanded the combat squadrons and put the A-4 aircraft up for sale.

F16s were offered to New Zealand at low-low-low export wholesale prices for one weekend only. (Sale ends midnight Sunday! Everything must go!). However, instead of replacing the air combat fleet with F16s, the government sealed the deal on new mil-spec drive-by-wire Toyota Hiaces.

Currently, The RNZTF Has:

One Of 40 Squadron's THV Transporters awating clearance at Ohakea Airbase
  • Couple Hundred Personel
  • One Pilot
He still reckons the air combat force will return.
  • 40 x THV - RNZTF Spec, 3L Toyota Hiace Vans
Armed with Sidewinders and M60 Machine guns on the side doors.
  • A Charter plane
Armed with GPS on special use lay-by from Dick Smith Electronics
Also room for a steyr to point out the window

The New Zealand National Volleyball Team[edit]

“The NZ Army is gay, it doesnt even have tanks”

~ A 12 Year old American Youtuber Commenting On A Nz Army Video

The New Zealand Army has had the best funding in a long while--not a statistically significant percentage of GDP, but enough for an alarmed Green Party to protest outside parliament with three or four unemployed supporters.

An Example of an un-modified Hitachi NZLAV. The Hitachi digger arm is removed, and a 105mm Main gun replaces it. The Hitachi is painted Olive Green on SAS missions but retains its yellow or orange construction colours during urban conflicts as camouflage.

The NZ army currently has:

  • 100 Soldiers
  • A couple reservists, Mainly fans of Dads Army.
  • One qualified dickhead who goes by the undecover name of Paddy O'Clebitch. Posesses vast homosexual brainwashing technology
  • 10,000 x Personel, in-office administration, and other civilian trades within the army.
  • 20 x Hitachi Medium Excavator (NZLAV)
Due to public demand for tanks, the Armys top engineers designed and built 20 NZLAVs. Essentialy these are Hitachi Diggers armed with bullet proof plating and a 105mm Main gun.
  • 500 x 5L V8 Landrovers
All 500 of these vehicles are assigned to bring tools and essentials to run and maintain the Hitachi Medium Excavators during combat. Chosen for their offroad capability.

The Royal New Zealand Navy[edit]

“Speakin' Of Naval Bases Mate? You Should See Ours!”

~ Billy T James Talking To An American

“What? You Mean You Got Your Own Naval Base With Your Own Boats?”

~ An American Talking To Billy T James

The Royal New Zealand Navy (RNZN) is made up of 40 Third Generation Kiwi Patrol Craft. The navy also operate some other boats that have no use.

The NZ Navy currently has:

One of New Zealand's Kiwi Patrol Craft
  • Multi role canoe - HMNZS Wankerbury
  • Frigate (bird) - HMNZS Te Kaka
  • 40 Sailors
  • One reservist
  • 40 x Toyota Hiluxes
These are used to transport the Kiwi Patrol Craft
  • 40 x Third Generation Kiwi Patrol Craft
Each one is Armed with a 50 Caliber Machine Gun, 900 rounds, ration packs including the gunners favorite drop, and a 50cc outboard. There are also a number that are equipped with armour plating....otherwise known as 'dinghys'
  • 1x Poorly-Animated Cut-Out Landing Whale, W/Rear-Mounted Infuriating Accent, Bru.
Non-re-usable in combat, always becomes 'beached az' after landing attempts.

Future Of The NZ Military[edit]

. Hey, look! A dot!

The current govenment is looking at outsourcing all military operations to a call centre in India.

Chief of Defence Force[edit]

Lieutenant General Heke while serving overseas

The current chief of defence is Lieutenant General, Jake "The Muss" Heke. Now in his 40 somethings, Heke was an Ex-NZSAS serviceman now turned Abusive Alchoholic. He received a Victoria Cross for his blindingly fast Close Quarter Combat skills during a fight in a Bar in which he achieved a whopping 345 1/4 punches per minute.

Previous Chiefs[edit]

The Samoan Born Kangaroo (Johnny Maiava) attained the rank of Rear-Admiral due to his excellent set of skills and hands on experience.
  • Transport Marshal That Guy (1999-2001)
The guy we call that guy, humble & honorable, often seen in his mil-spec moon TV Hyundai van was arguably the best commander of the RNZAF New Zealand has ever had. Followed closely by his long time friends, Drew walker and Michael hillier.