Anti-chav militia

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Chavs (Council Housed And Violent) are a dangerous species. They can be found in many different places but the most common include bus shelters, train stations, JJB Sports shops and outside McDonald's. Very few weapons can harm/mutilate/kill a Chav. Their many layers of filth, Fred Perry striped jumpers and puffy bomber jackets make any kind of impact weapon almost completely ineffective (for example knives, guns, high grade explosives). Burberry has also been proven to be inflammable, and has been tested on many occasions.

How to spot a Chav[edit]

There are many different ways to spot a Chav, here are a few of the main ones:


  • pussys.
  • High pitched voices.
  • Blue tracksuit bottoms (also known as "trakkie beeeeees" to other Chavs).
  • White shoes.
  • Tracksuit bottoms tucked into socks.
  • Always topless as soon as the sun comes out.
  • Working as builders/plumbers apprentices.


  • Accompanied by Chav spawn in council paid pram
  • Pink tracksuit
  • Annoying, high-pitched voice
  • Side Ponytails
  • Padded, brightly coloured bras
  • Thin, lightly BALLS coloured top for obvious reasons
  • Xbox huge pregnant belly
  • James Willey's mother is a milf

What can YOU do about it?[edit]

Join the ACM, Deal or No Deal?

Many things can be done about the problem, but the most productive may be to join the Anti-Chav Militia. This Special Covert Ops Ninja Attack Force Delta was set up by the leader of the British army, Noel Edmonds.

The force is designed to eradicate chavs (Council Housed And Violent) from the immediate area in which the ACM (Anti-Chav Militia) is based, using any means necessary. The chav leader - Lilly Savage - (aka "Lily Chavage") has recently claimed that the force does not exist, as no action has ever been seen by the ACM, ever. Not even by satellites. This is because the ACM strikes with deadly force and precision, leaving no trace of the hit. Chavs that are captured are replaced with robots that are set to explode in March 2011. and the fonz as a wife ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


If I told you how the Anti-Chav Militia train their troops, I'd have to kill you... With fire... Fiery fire at that...

Also, to defeat a chav, a variety of techniques can be employed. For example, one may use fire, but not that kind of cissy fire that just burns out, I'm talking full size infernos and all that, you want to see them burn to the ground with all the blood and th... Ok I'm getting off topic here. Basically, what you need to do is employ the methods you normally use to kill people. Personally I like to scalp them alive and keep their scalps as trophies, but everyone to their own. I'm sure you'll find the method that suits you the most.

Interested, Here's how to join![edit]

For many years, Guiseley School has been the main battlefield for the Anti-Chav Militia. To become a true member you must travel to this scarred wasteland, then hunt and kill a chav. This can be trickier than it sounds, as chavs tend to travel in packs. Once you have slaughtered a chav (see Jolly good fun) you must take the scalp to this district's leader, Josh Jannota. He resides in a secret hidden base in his back garden. He will then put you through the most secret training ever to be devised by a 3 year old ever.

If you cannot be bothered to do that..

  1. Buy a T-Shirt with the Anti-Chav Militia logo written on it.
  2. Go Moshing at metal gigs to toughen yourself up.
  3. Make friends with the really big guys and go track some chavs (In such run down places such as Manchester and Huddersfield, this shouldn't be a problem).
  4. Have your new found colleagues wait round the corner whilst you lure the chavs with cries of "ere mush there's a Burberry sale on".
  5. Let the decimation begin. Remember, you cannot have slaughter without laughter!

Anti-Chav Militia To do list[edit]


There are many things the anti-chav militia needs, partucally more recruits due the massive numbers of chavs (In order of want)

  1. Ninjas - Because there cool, and they can pwn millions in one attack.
  2. Nuke - This will be fired at Liverpool, the heart of the plague.
  3. Prisoners - These are hard to claim because chavs very rarely back down and when they do, they run like the clappers.
  4. Mr. T - Nuff said.
  5. Any Band, Rocker,Emo and their phones The phones are like stun guns, and will take out a chav which can then be desposed of quickly.
  6. Final fantasy fans and their big ass swords Come on, they can fight when they want to.