Milla Jovovich

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Milla Jovovich is a world famous actress who has appeared in amazing work such as, “The Resident Evil Movie”, “The Resident Evil Movie 2”, “The Resident Evil Movie 3” and “The Resident Evil Movie 4: Set in Japan”.


Milla Jovovich was created in 1976 by the Soviet Union in order to produce the next step in human evolution by taking a sample of Veronica Cartwright's DNA, and modifying the resulting clone with further genetic material given to them by Grey Aliens. This was supposed to result in a superhuman being combining the best aspects of Veronica Cartwright and Grey Aliens, but something went terribly wrong and the whole experimented resulted in a clinically insane creature so vile in nature that H. P. Lovecraft could not find sufficiently weird words in his thesaurus to describe it.

Due to technically being half Grey Alien, she quickly developed certain superpowers which mere earthlings cannot describe, but not the ones the Soviet scientists hoped - she is actually simultaneously incorporeal and material and can therefore only subsist on a diet consisting only of heroin and the brains of psychic people.

When she was 8 the Soviet government attempted to solve these problems by injecting her with Super Soldier Serum stolen from the Americans, but since the KGB botched the mission to steal the Super Soldier Serum they instead injected her with the next best thing, namely large and dangerous amounts of testosterone. This lead to the subject acquiring lack of a feminine backside, radically reduced breast bust and a generally more aggressive attitude seen when someone fails to pronounce her surname correctly.

She also has the mental age of 12.

Legal Issues[edit]

She has been charged with attempted murder 8 times and once killed a horse with its own legs, it is still unknown how she interpreted grunts from the ill fated horse as mispronouncing her name, although technically it did. She is yet to be jailed for any offense, instead due to her high public profile she has had her last name changed to Smith to stop her attacks four times. Although she has had her last name reattached surgically each time, as of the 8th of March 1997 her middle name is Smith after a third name operation went south and caused her legal name to become her middle name.

She also may have been sexually assaulted during the recording of the cast commentary for “The Resident Evil Movie” by co-star Michelle Rodriguez. If so she may have contracted Uber-AIDS though she would eventually have done so because she is so much of a slut that she can inflict Martian STDs upon other people by staring at them. (undoubtedly another testament to her origins)

Australian Capital Territory Information Campaign[edit]

In the Australian Capital Territory there was a series public service announcement broadcasted and pamphlets delivered to residents entitled “What Should I do if I am Assaulted by Milla Jovovich?”. The broadcasts and pamphlets included information on how to escape, evade, defend and deal with an attack from Milla Jovovich. Such information was her natural allergic reaction to knock-knock jokes and pressure points located on her soul that cause her to open her jaws. This information campaign was sparked when Jovovich attempted to fire bomb a hotel in Canberra after a bell boy pronounced her name “Jovovish”. She was foiled by the fact that she did not know how to construct a Molotov cocktail.

She may also be one eighth husky, which may explain why her superpowers are different from those of other hybrids between Grey Aliens and Veronica Cartwrights.


It is illegal by Federal law, for Milla to not be nude atleast 5 minutes of every 60 minutes of one of her films. Failure to comply results in Zoolander and not less than 5 years in a Federal prison.