Miss America

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2007 Runner up

Miss America is a grueling contest by which Americans© determine the best of their nubile breeding stock. It is not to be confused with a presidential election, which is a far less rigorous process, and which involves far more manual stimulation.


The precise origins of Miss America are lost to history and much disputed. Among the leading theories are:

  • Alan Alda's lengthy, persuasive article, "Red Sonja in the Colonies" argued that Miss America can be traced to the early days of European colonization of the New World[1], when women outnumbered men by seven to one. The men organized blood-sport competitions to weed out the weak and unfit to breed, thereby ensuring the strength of the American Species. Echoes of these colonial contests appear in Miss America's swimsuit competition (which originally allowed the women to clearly display that their hips were wide enough to bear multiple children), and the musical portion (where women proved their skills at composing ballads to praise their husband's bear-killing, mountain-climbing, and redskin-killing abilities).

Miss Americas through the years[edit]

  1. Jesus Christ was not the first Miss America, regardless of what that handsome Greek man told you that evening in the pup tent during that unforgettable weekend after high school graduation. You didn't actually believe that story, did you? Yeah, I did too, but I was drunk, and it was dark. In reality, George Washington was the first Miss America
  2. Thomas Jefferson
  3. George Jefferson
  4. Diana Ross
  5. Princess Diana
  6. Alan Thicke
  7. Alan Ginsberg
  8. Gary Burghoff
  9. Twiggy
  10. Gary Burghoff
  11. David Hasselhoff
  12. George Clinton
  13. Karl Rove
  14. John Kerry (Only won because the judges felt bad for him when he got diarrhea and cried during the swimsuit contest)

Footnotes[edit]

  1. ↑ which was completely uninhabited by Christians, and therefore up for grabs