Missy Elliott

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Missy Elliott.

The Early Years[edit]

Missy Elliot was formed when the Exxon Valdez ran aground into a giant floating glacier, breaking off a massive chunk of ice covered with oil. The oil-soaked glacier followed the sea currents and, when it finally drifted along the US coast in the 80's, famous rap producers shooting a video at the beach mistook the giant black mass to be Notorious B.I.G. Once they realized the glacier had no penis, they dubbed it Miss Notorious B.I.G., or Missy E. for short.

Missy E. was taken under Queen Latifah's wingspan to help her be the next big black female rapper, as Latifah saw a bit of herself in Missy E. and wanted to help her become a success in the fiercely competitive fat black female rapper market. Latifah brainwashed Missy E. into believing she was "from the hood" and had "black roots" to help give her "street cred," which is the reputation of a given person among people who spend most of their life on neighborhood streets -- ie., the homeless and unemployed. With her image in place, Missy E. was ready to be a star. All she needed were the songs.

Microsoft Quick BASIC[edit]

Missy glided into CompUSA and saw a computer running Q-BASIC. After failing to understand that she could not "hire him" on the spot, she was sold a 286 PC with Microsoft Quick BASIC. It was a match made in heaven where the match involves a giant black glacier pairing up with a PC program. Instantly, her body shook with excitement, and the resulting fragments of ice landed on the keyboard just so to have her first backing ryhthm track, which goes a little somethin' somethin' like this:

  IF A$ = CHR$(65) THEN PLAY "MBA": LET B$ = B$ + "A"
  IF A$ = CHR$(66) THEN PLAY "MBB": LET B$ = B$ + "B"
  IF A$ = CHR$(67) THEN PLAY "MBC": LET B$ = B$ + "C"
  IF A$ = CHR$(68) THEN PLAY "MBD": LET B$ = B$ + "D"
  IF A$ = CHR$(69) THEN PLAY "MBE": LET B$ = B$ + "E"
  IF A$ = CHR$(70) THEN PLAY "MBF": LET B$ = B$ + "F"
  IF A$ = CHR$(71) THEN PLAY "MBG": LET B$ = B$ + "G"
  IF A$ = CHR$(27) THEN EXIT DO
  LOOP

It was such a huge hit that Bill Gates sued her for becoming a success and making money by using a program his company created, but the lawsuit was enventually thrown out since the defendant was simply too large to be accomodated by any court house in the country.

Satellite image of Missy Elliott from space (not to scale).

Her Career[edit]

Many people have since followed her lead including an entire troop of Black lesbian car wash attendants that can easily be identified by the rags they pinch between mammoth breasts that are used to wipe windshields and the sexy bumper ornaments sported by 50's Cadillacs. Missy Elliott also sings when the feeling, or one of those Cadillacs, strikes her.

Since she was adopted she has had many hit singles catering for the Black Lesbian Car Wash Attendants demographic including "The Rain (Supa Dupa Fly)", "She's a Bitch", "Get Ur Freak On" and the annoying "nissy-uur-fimmi-nnippa-ffla-yaaa-NYEPP" song.

Missy Elliott is not her real name, she was adopted by two brothers with the same last name that run a wreckers yard near Newtonville, Ontario, Canada. That's where she learned to sing, take advantage of old Cadillacs and swat mosquitos in the sexiest way imaginable.

To discover your inner Missy Elliot, turn on the radio and put on a fly Adidas suit. Begin your meditation by smokin' some hydro on the D-low. Allow some cute middle school girls to pop and lock while you blow smoke rings to that R.Kelly remix. Feel it. When you've found your Missy Elliott nirvana, you will begin to feel fabulous. You may also notice yourself talking backwards and hanging out with timberland. It won't suck and will be worth the initial effort.

Missy rhymes with puppy, but not very well.