Mitch Hedberg

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Doctor Mitchel Avram Hedberg was born in the year 0 in the city of Bethlehem, moments after the births of Jesus H. Christ and Bruce Lee. However, in the year 17 A.D., an accident involving a faulty ceiling beam rush-installed years previously by Joseph buried the teenager alive. Though no charges were pressed, Mitch's parents, members of the leading family in Bethlehem, accused Joesph's hurry to be with Mary as the cause (This would lead to Joseph being blacklisted in the city).

However young Mitch did not die in the incident. Buried but alive, Mitch inadvertently huffed a puppy, which induced a coma like state in the child. Mitch would remain in this coma like state for the next 1900 years. In 1948, Mitch, who's body had hardly aged in the puppy-induced coma, was awakened by exploding ordinance aimed at killing then-Israeli President Vin Diesel. Dazed and confused, Mitch walked out into the streets, where he was instantly hailed as the Savior for the Jewish people. This belief was soon overturned when a young girl named Ariel Sharon pointed out that Mitch was simply a hobo. Hiding out for the next few months, Mitch Hedberg attended University under the alias "Hedley Mitchberg", and in 1956, earned his doctorate in English Grammar and Paraprosdokian. During this time, Mitch would meet his future wife, Lynn Shawcroft, a practicing witch and Anti-feminist.

Motivational Speaker (1956-1983)[edit]

After graduating, Mitch, now Dr. Hedberg, entered became a motivational speaker for the relatively unknown and now defunct Shy Peoples Courage Association. Sadly, Dr. Hedberg saw little progress of members of the SPCA. After the dissolution of the SPCA following a lawsuit by the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty of Animals over the use of 'SPCA', Dr. Hedberg stated that the problem of the society is that too much time was wasted convincing the listeners to stop fidgeting. In 1972, Dr. Hedberg became began working with Professor Wright, a well known teacher at Harvard, on . During this time, Dr. Hedberg would release his first book, titled Why Smokey is Scary. Though not a large success, it would lead Dr. Hedberg into the spotlight as a famous philosophical and motivational writer. His next 14 books were smash hits. His most successful was titled I Got an Ant Farm... Them Fellas Didn't Grow Shit.

However, in 1979, Dr. Hedberg and Dr. Wright had a major falling out. Though neither blamed the other and are not on bad terms, the two no longer saw eye to eye. Conspiracy theorists believed that Dr. Hedberg's fiance was the cause, citing a series of reported letters between Dr. Wright and Hedberg's fiance, but nothing has been proven to date.

In March 1983, Dr. Hedberg released his final motivational book, I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket. Due to changing times, sales for the book were relatively low. Only ten thousand copies were reported sold worldwide. Dr. Hedberg chose to go out quietly, and took his career in a new direction.

Later Life (1983-2005)[edit]

Little is known about Dr. Hedberg's life for the remainder of the 80's. Most people believe that Dr. Hedberg turned to writing children's books over the next decade, as several successful stories authored by one 'Hedley Mitchberg' were printed and sold in during this time. Dr. Hedberg came back to the spotlight when, in 1990, he wed Lynn Shawcroft, his fiancee of 15 years, in a ceremony held on top of Kilauea volcano. It was also at this time that Hedberg and Wright repaired their friendship over cupcakes. Wright was Best Dressed Man at Hedberg's wedding.

Death and Homocide Investigation[edit]

On March 29, 2005, Dr. Hedberg was found mysteriously dead in his L.A. townhouse bathroom. Sources claim that Dr. Hedberg was electrocuted while bathing, as a toaster was found nearby on the toilet seat. Immediately suspicion fell on Lynn, who was reportedly fed up with his loafing around the house. She claimed that Hedberg liked eating toast while bathing and that it was an accident. A federal investigation soon followed, but yielded no results. On July 1 of that year, Federal investigators ruled that Hedberg's death was accidental in nature and that the true culprit was his love of toast in the shower.

The Dufranes Incident[edit]

In December 1980, Dr. Hedberg released his favorite work, Dufranes, Party of 2, a morally driven story about a married couple named Jack and Erin Dufranes. The story, an analogue of Hollywood and it's effects on the common person, was upon it's release, widely believed to be fact. A nationwide search was initiated to search for Mr. and Mrs. Dufranes, who had supposedly vanished while waiting for dinner at an upscale New York restaurant. Because of his believed involvement in the incident, Dr. Hedberg was detained by the FBI and Interpol.

It wasn't until a month after the release that Hedberg's friend Dr. Wright came forward and straightened everything out. The real Dufranes, a farmer and his wife from Kansas were glad for the end of the investigation, as they were tired of worried friends and neighbors coming to "check-up" on them.


Dr. Hedberg had a love of creative names, which was evident in the names of his literature. He was known to often give things playful and descriptive names. One such name, the "Emergancy Make-the-car-smell-funny-lever", was his name for a car's emergency brake.

Hedberg also had a penchant for OCD filing. However, he filed most things in seemingly random fashion. One file drawer was filled with receipts for various objects starting with D. It is believed from this that he had a love of donuts, as a majority of the D receipts were from Krispy Kreme.

Possible Enlightenment?[edit]

Some proponents of Dr. Hedberg's work claim that the meaning of life can be found his various texts and speeches. In his scientific essay, On Escalators and Elevators, Dr. Hedberg put forth the following view: "I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs." Many Theologists, Scientists, and That Guy have come to the conclusion that this must be answer to the universes greatest mystery, if not the ultimate answer (See: 42). However Several detractors have come forward with their own opinions on this theory. The most vocal of these detractors is Oscar Wilde. He had this to say:

Other detractors, though far less vocal, have nonetheless, brought forward the following:

“How is that possible, man? He doesn't smoke enough of the reefer to be. Like whoa, I just found the truth, man~!”

~ Rastafarian on Dr. Hedberg

“He must not have tried our delicious Spam and Eggs.”

“Rockie Road?”

Selected Works by Hedberg[edit]

  • Why Smokey is Scary (1973)
  • Here's a Thought for Sweat Shop Owners: Air Conditioning.(1974)
  • A Burrito is a Sleeping Bag for Ground Beef (1975)
  • Wondering Where My Brother Was (1977)
  • I Got an Ant Farm... Them Fellas Didn't Grow Shit (1978)
  • On Escalators and Elevators (1978, Essay)
  • Dufranes, Party of 2 (1980)
  • I'm an Ice Sculptor: Last Night I Made a Cube (1982)
  • Why Rice is Great (1982)
  • I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket. (1983)
  • Sister With a Lazy Eye (1987, Essay)

Eternal links[edit]