Mittens are fascinating creatures. Like most animals that are turned into articles of clothing, mittens originated in France. Known to the French as môufflés, these terrifying, blood-thirsty beasts have been known to kill a full grown midget in a matter of seconds. Many scientists believe that mittens are actually alien beings from Pluto. This is disputed because Pluto is not a real planet, but a dwarf planet, thus other scientists have called them "dwaliens".
Remains of the dreaded môufflés have been found in the Champagne region of France, dating back to the early 400's BCE. In the mid 12th century, however, the killers were tamed and kept as pets. Quotes from a fancy-pants Frenchman's diary reveal the details:
- "Dear Diary,
- I've finally received my new pet môufflés today. J'aime mon môufflés... môufflés? Môufflés??? Ou-est qui-tu?? MOTHER OF GOD!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! EL DIABLO!!!... (beep) ... (beep) ...(beep)... The number you have dialed has been murdered by a pair of mittens. Please hang up and call again. Thank you and have a nice day."
Not much is understood due to the indecipherable text. Modern scientists believe that mittens were wonderful pets that did not bring about the death of a third of the population of Europe. In this period of time, mittens were bred to be dark colors, normally black.
- Phylum: Chordata
Mittens are relatively small creatures, no larger than your hand. But do not let their size fool you, they are no laughing matter.
The amazing mittens have adapted to suit their environment. Some have a very thick fur while some have none at all. The rarely seen hairless variety is known as "snakeskin". Many others have evolved to have cunning camouflage such as argyle, stripes, polka dots and many more intricate patterns.
In 1997, a new species of mitten was created by genetic engineering. This insanely dangerous killing machine, colloquially called a "killer mitten", is a cross between a mitten and a glove. They have been known to shoot deadly poison from their many tentacles.
Mittens always travel in pairs, one male and one female. The male mittens are always left and the females are always right. (When aren't they?)
Well, we all know how humans reproduce; and mittens do it exactly the same way: by releasing a cloud of spores. The spores, released by the male, travel to the female mitten through the air. There is absolutely no way to tell when this is happening because the spores are invisible and very tasty. The pregnant mitten does not show any signs of pregnancy until it explodes, which is the reason many pairs of gloves are separated.
The vicious môufflés are very common in the regions of the the world that get chilly at one or more parts of the year. Unlike most creatures, mittens hibernate during the warmer seasons. The cold is what brings the killers out from their baskets, bins and drawers labeled winter items. These mindless murderers hibernate everywhere; in stores, forests, and even your own home. Search your home often and if you find one, evacuate the area within a 14 mile and 3 inch radius before it's too late.
Mittens are highly carnivorous. They devour human flesh and tendons and solid bone faster than a piranha can. Once they have completely digested your hands, they just hang there and pretend to be hands while surreptitiously controlling your mind and sucking your blood out like a tick.