Mock Crash

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“After such a depressing display, I just need a beer.”

~ High School Student on mock crashes

“I learned so much by this educational work. I will never drink and drive!”

~ Typical High School Student on teacher's delusion

Mock Crash[edit]

A mock crash is when some angry mothers force their kids into cars and pretend to smash them into each other to show the effects of drunk driving. Usually, all that happens is that some kids are covered in red paint, and start screaming. The experience is very educational, entertaining, and pretty damn funny. Usually set up in three acts of tragic drinking carnage that will get you out of class for an hour.

Shakespeare was known to write mock crashes.

Act 1[edit]

As soon as you look at the scene, you'll see that you've already missed the best part. The cars are already "crashed." Ignore the fact that it looks like a simple fender bender. This was a serious crash. You can tell because the trunk is open and everything. At this point, red paint is dumped all over the place.

Somebody steps out of the car, covered in horrible drinking carnage, shouting, "Oh dear me! It seems that in my drunken haze, I have collided with another vehicle! Woe is me! If only I had not drove under the influence! Dear me!"

The narrator comes in. "It can take up to eight billion hours for this city's ambulance to get their sorry asses to the scene. By that point, you're already dead."

Our "drunk driver" then takes over the scene once more, "Oh my lord! It appears that my arm is broken! Oh the pain! It is unbearable! I fear I may never play the violin again! Oh why did I ever make the decision to drink and then drive? Oh woe is me!"

If your class hasn't already gone back inside, it's time for...

Act 2[edit]

About five ambulances and thirty needless fire trucks show up, completely ignorant of the fires being started elsewhere in the neighborhood. Some of the fireman come out and starts destroying the cars to get to the other, "victims" despite the fact that the door is perfectly accessible. They'll pull out one of the kids inside of the car. They put the sucker on a stretcher, before announcing that he's dead.

The drunk driver character then says regretfully, "Oh woe! I have killed a man in my drunken madness! Will I ever earn my forgiveness? I don't deserve forgiveness for this destructive behavior! Oh dear me! Fate is so cruel!"

A random hearse will come out of nowhere, and they'll shove the "body" that is noticeably breathing into the back of it. The dead person's parents will come out of the hearse and say something along the lines of, "Oh no! My child was... in that... crash!" Sobbing will ensue. And before you know it, it's almost time for...

Act 3[edit]

This is the part where the guys in police uniforms give the drunk a DUI test. This is where it gets hilarious. Oh the wacky hi-jinx. The drunk stumbles to walk in a straight line, tripping and falling. "Oh cursed fate! I cannot walk a simple straight line! I am surely off to prison and to never have my license again!" After shoving the little bastard into the back of the police car, another paramedic will announce that everyone else died as well. Because if it were a normal car crash, they all would have been just fine, but because one of them was drunk, they all died a horrific death. That should be it for the acting. But just when you think you can go back to Algebra, the narrator comes out in front of everybody, for one last(?) message.


"Now my arms are all broken, And what strength I have’s outspoken, Which is most obnoxious. Now, ’tis true, I must be here confined by you, Or sent to the next school over. Let me not, Since I have my money got And pardoned the deceiver, dwell In this crappy school by your spell, But release me from my bands With the help of your good hands. Gentle breath of yours my sails Must fill, because this presentation fails, Which was to please. Now I want Attention desperately, terrible acting to enchant, And my ending is despair, Unless I be relieved by prayer, Which pierces so that it assaults Terrible funding itself and frees all faults. As you from crimes would pardoned be, Applaud and let your mindless indulgence set me free."

Thank you for watching[edit]

This pathetic performance has been brought to you by Toucan Sam and Froot Loops and from viewers like you. Thank you.

So stay in school! -Or save it for marriage... brush your teeth every day... wait- what life lesson were we preaching about?