That Oвscцяз Cюциtяу юftзй Cюйfцsзd шith Uкяaiйз
|Motto: "простой процент или простой простой"|
|Anthem: "Fцйку towи"|
|Government||A great royal family that has since died off, although no one really noticed actually.|
|The Burgomeister||Dimitri Ivanov|
|National Hero(es)||The Hero of Spielburg, Prince of Shapier, King of Silmaria, and Lord of all that|
|Currency||the golden crown and the copper kopek (will be replaced with the Euro once the EU finally notices them on the map|
|Religion||Cult of Avoozl, the Dark One|
|Population||17 3/4 (that's not including all the undead things everywhere)|
|Likely Confused With||Ukraine & the fictional valley from Quest for Glory IV, Mordavia|
Moldavia is a small part of Mother Russia and bordered by Lithuania, which is pretty much like Moldavia excepting the fact that all Lithuanian men are poor whilst Moldavians are very poor. Moldavia is also completly engulfed by Romania.
Moldavians (usually referred to as Russians) speak the Latvian language, which is a branch of the Russian language.
In 1479 Moldavia was conquered by Estonia and Prussia. After a long dispute about the ownership of the country both of the invaders thought it to be too pointless and gave it to Romania as a birthday present. After the independent state was completly engulfed by Romania most forgot the state even existed, including Romania, even though it was 100% contained in its borders.
Unlike Russia(as much as they tried to be like them), Moldavia never caught on to communism, probably because they don't share well. Though under a neo-fascist regime now, thats not really working out either, because they don't take orders well either. The Moldavian Anarchist Nazi Party have gained much power recently and are expected to take control of the government during the next elections as they already control a majority of the power in local government.
Moldavia's economy is upheld by two major staples: prostitution and toilets. Though the worlds 8th largest exporter of whores, its only the 90th largest exporter of attractive whores which grosses the country only $950 a year, mostly because the girls exported are russian. Though if the "B#&*$ Better Have my Money" Act of 2005 passes like its expected to, those revenues are expected to increase by 50%.
Until then, as the worlds 46th largest toilet producer, toilets will stay the mainstay of Moldavian's economy grossing $1.1 billion annually, exporting .8 billion to Latvia. Oddly, Moldavia is the worlds number one importer of toilet paper, costing the government nearly $4 billion annually. Economists think this is because of the unusual amount of trees eaten by Moldavia's citizens.
This was all thrown into a mess when they realized that the economists had been figuring everything out in dollars, when in fact this isn't the actual currency.
Moldavia is bordered from the north by the Aphotic Alps, the Malignant Mountains to the south, the Carpathaologic Mountains to the west, and the Heinous Hills to the South. The only entrance to the Moldavian Valley has since flooded over and has become a large swamp, now a perfect place for the Cult to do it's unspeakable rituals to the great Avoozl. No one seems to really care that they can no longer easily visit this rustic country.
Moldavian Tourist Bureau
- The Borgov Castle: It's damp, decaying, dusty and the occupants sleep during the day. If this is not enough to deter would-be visitors, perhaps the iron maiden will. For the brave, the Mordavian Tourist Bureau will hope for your survival and arrange any funeral details if necessary.
- The castle gatehouse: The forbidding gates that lead to the castle are enough to deter most would-be intruders, and the fact that there's a gatehouse makes it even more obvious that there's no way in - not this way. However, Boris the gatekeeper can be quite an interesting conversationalist, and his information is very useful.
- Town Mordavia: The town itself is morbidly fascinating. Weather the visitor decides to hang around the inn, or play with Dr. Cranium's bells, flirt with Bella, or chew the fat with Igor at the graveyard, there's always something to do.
- Town gate: There is an incomparable feeling of relief for the harried traveller who retreats within the safety of the town gate.
Please don't pick the pumpkins - they are protected vegetables.
- The Wraith: There are some creatures who resent the living - this is one of them. Mordavian Tourist Bureau suggests visitors avoid this area, particularly at night, unless there is a very strong reason for dealing with the wraith who stays here.
- The Gypsy Camp: Bright wagons add a colourful note to the scenery here. Visitors may have their fortune told, or sit around the campfire at night or play with the animals... if the gypsies have no objection.
...have a meal without garlic....
- Graveyard: East of town is the cemetery. People are burried here. Sometimes even the living can be burried here. But things are "livened up" by Igor's occasional presence as he works on his "art". The largest house of the dead here is the Borgov crypt, for which Igor has a key.
- The Leshy:There's nothing more irritating than a riddling spirit that pretends to be a bush. Mordavian Tourist Bureau is proud to announce that yes, leshies do exist.
- The Dark One's Cave: Full of ominous gloom and an impenetrable "mouth", the cave is enough to make anyone back away in horror. Beautification projects so far failed. The Mordavian Tourist Bureau advises caution on the slippery slope leading downwards. An interesting plant grows in the goo at the bottom of the slope.
Flora and Fauna of Mordavia, er, I mean Moldavia, is that right?
Since the days when the Cult of Amon Tillado first raised dark powers above the Land of Mordavia, the area has been overrun with hideous hordes of aberrant abominations. This actually makes it easy to recommend a strategy for dealing with Mordavian monsters -- stay out of Mordavia!
However, for those unfortunates who find themselves lost in that dark land, here are some tips for surviving the inevitable onslaught of ornery antagonists. So as to reduce the incidence of fatal strokes among the more timid of our readers, we've arranged the writeup to start with the mildly mischievous, work its way up through the moderately malevolent, and finish with the most massively murderous of the Mordavian monsters.
- Antwerp: These bizarre and absurd creatures
are far too ridiculous to describe. Whatever you do, don't attack one with a sharp or pointed object -- the results will be explosive to say the least!
- Vorpal Bunnies: These seemingly cute and
innocent little furry animals have nasty, sharp teeth and a taste for blood. Also known as Killer Rabbits, Leaping Lepuses, and Hares having a bad hair day.
- Chernovy: These were once the
human followers of the Dark One. They sought after immortality (and got it, after a fashion). They can be killed but do not die of natural causes. The spell that gave them this partial immortality also mutated them. They now look basically human but with twisted, mutated features reminiscent of insects, spiders, and octopods. They wear the remnants of their ritual robes and are powerful spellcasters.
- Ghosts: Eldritch creatures of indefinite,
insubstantial form. Ghosts hang around graveyards or near where a person died. A person becomes a ghost on dying if he/she has substantial "unfinished business" in this world (such as an unfulfilled vow or loved ones left behind), and if the death was sudden and unexpected. These ghosts tend to retain some human qualities and are relatively benevolent. The other type of ghost is that of a mean-spirited person who "died hard" and whose passions and emotions refused to settle in the grave. This type of ghost wants nothing more than to bring others down in death just as it was brought down. You'll live longer if you can distinguish between the two types!
- Werewolves: Legends say these are the victims
of a terrible curse which manifests when the moon is full. The victim is transformed into a wolf-like animal with a vicious attitude and a taste for human blood. Only silver or magic can affect the monster in Werewolf form. Werewolves are frequently associated with Gypsies.
- Vampires: Often seen in the swamp, they are known to come out only in the twilight and are known for finding girlfriends among humans.
Just remember kids, the best way to avoid these wild critters is to STAY OUT OF MORDAVIA! Er, I mean Moldavia, crap, I've been spelling it wrong this whole time, hopefully no one will notice...
A bathing beauty without her clothes on, may prove a distraction for the susceptible male, but Mordavian Tourist Bureau strongly advises that visitors do NOT wade in and kiss this lady.
Admire from a distance only.
More sexy vampires.
In 2005 the government of Moldavia filed a law suit against Sierra Online for using a parody of their country's name in it's early 90's video game, "Quest for Glory 4: Shadows of Darkness". In defense a representative of Sierra Online stated "We had no idea Moldavia still existed" and "We haven't seen them on a map for centuries"