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“A Jihad On The Molemen!”

~ Osama Bin Laden on Molemen

The Molepeople are a proud and noble race recently led by Gary Coleman. They came to prominence during the 80's. They produced some of music's greatest Artists, these include MC Hammer, 50 Cent and Barry White.

History Of The Molepeople

Before WWII Hitler was looking for a new and groovy way of recruiting soldiers, so he invented the molepeople and in turn, the 1980's. Shortly after their immaculate conception, they split from Hitler's group citing "creative differences". They then briefly joined the Beatles, but quit because of a conflict regarding the hairstyles. They then moved underground, fearing "Beatlemania," a deadly disease that gripped the earth. They did not emerge from there until the 1980's, when bright clothing and terrible music became fashionable. After this brief period of success, they where pushed back underground by the Ghost of Christmas Past. The recent trend of "emo-ism" has aloud some molemen to blend back into society posing as emo-bands (see Simple Plan). Famous molemen include Adam (Marshall) of Worthing, who is the molemen's greatest tunneler.

A newborn Moleperson

The Great Molemen-Human Incident of 1986

It was a quiet, peaceful morning in the Australian outback until a strange rumbling broke the silence. "Struth, what in a dead dingos donger was that?!" cried many Australian locals. Within moments, Ayers Rock slid from its original position, unveiling a great crowd of Molepeople, using a giant frying pan to shade their pasty skin from the sun. Many swagmen appeared and poked the Molemen with sticks, shouting "BUSHTUCKA". Stickpoking has been taboo in Molemen culture for thousands of years, and greatly offended all that were present. It's a little known fact that Molemen long ago mastered the Jedi Arts, so the swagman were in great trouble indeed. With a sweep of their hideously shriveled hands, the molemen sent the swagmen back to the billabong. Sadly, they were later overpowered by kamikazee schoolchildren armed with nuclear weapons.

World Domination Theory

The Molemen have been living underground since the dawn of time when God placed them there to throw of Christian creationist beliefs. While living beneath society, the Molemen have been infiltrating the above and have been plotting the demise of the Human race. Due to their sneaky, jerk-like tendencies, Molemen are not often identified in common society until it is too late. Because of their intricate plans, the Molemen have been forced to associate with other beings in order to fully be able to carry out their plans. They have formed strong alliances with the condor, ticks, pandas, moths, and like four or five alligators. The plan was originally set to take effect in March of 2012, but President Bush spent the entire 2007 U.S. budget on infiltrating the Molemen and was able to foil their plans of world domination.

Molemen Genocide

After the Molemen's plans were revealed, there was a widespread hatred of the Molepeople and as a result, people started to dig holes and bash Molemen in the head with heavy rock formations and put stapleguns to their eyes. Lucky for the Molemen, the ignorant likes of P.E.T.A. got involved and put a stop to it. But because of their dangerous past, the Molepeople were sentenced by the New Jersey Supreme Court to spend the rest of eternity in the Seventh Dimension. Steven Hawking was called upon to transport the species into the Seventh Dimension and in doing so, accidentally added a 13th dimension. Since then, the 7th Dimension has been referred to as the Land of the Molemen which is incorrectly stated as it is not land, but just a state of being in a constant state of feeling all "floaty" and discombobulated. As of January 2008, the Molepeople are no longer at large and are not a threat to humanity as a whole. However, because not all Moleagents who were assigned to infiltrate society have been identified, the occasional Moleman does appear.

What To Do If You See A Mole Person

  1. DO NOT ever poke them with sticks
  2. Call your local Moleperson Protection Unit
  3. If they are in a group try to blend in with your best 80's costume
  4. Keep them away from frenchmen (generally keep away from the french)
  5. Draw a circle on the ground with chalk and sit in the center and wait for the MPU to arrive
  6. Poke them with sticks

Former Mole-Kings

  • John Adams
  • William H. Macy
  • Wolfgang Puck
  • John Butler
  • Mozart
  • The Popes (all of them, especially the new one)
  • Bernard Fanning
  • Adam (Marshall) of Worthing
  • Hans Moleman of The Simpsons fame (current leader)
  • Nick Nolte