Monash University

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Monash University
Do not feed the long-beaked birds.
Motto Ancora imparo ("I didn't get into Melbourne Uni")
Established 1958
School type Public
Head ???
Location Clayton, Victoria, Australia
Campus Suburban with lots of trees
Enrollment 39,000
16,000 postmen
Endowment ???
Faculty LOL, All your base, Winner
Mascot Lara Bingle

“Way too many lefties.”

~ Karl Marx on Monash University

“Fuck, this place is windy!”

~ Everybody on Monash University

“Why must our exams be at the racecourse smelling horse poo?! ”

~ Students on Monash University

Monash University is Australia's largest University by student population, with over 20 Australian students. The university is one of Australia's and in fact the world's most prestegious education institutions.

In Australia it ranks highly, only coming behind Melbourne, ANU, Sydney, Queensland, UWA, Adeleide, and most of the primary schools in Darwin. The university boasts that over half of its professors have completed high school and almost a quarter of graduates find employment in their first year out of uni (and in some cases have actually found employment outside of the fast food industry).

Its former vice chancellor was an ex Melbourne University Student who attended monash and made a name for himself by plagiarising work. He was fired by Monash immediately for raising their academic standard as a result of the plagiarism.


Monash University is a commissioned Victorian university. The university was commissioned by parliament to boost the falling sales of beer and prostitution. It was built and designed by a prominent group of Melbourne University dropouts in 1956, including Batman and Sir John Monash.

Construction began on the new university, with many one eyed and uncoordinated Melbourne Uni architects designing the famed Robert Menzies building or Arts and Humanities, which was praised for its soviet bloc inspired design and the fact that it was made purely from asbestos. The famous building has inspired architects all around the world on how not to make a building.

Monash Uni promotes that it is strong in other areas, including the highest number of enrolled monkeys in undergraduate courses and as the university with the highest amount of asbestos.

Student life[edit]

a group of monsh law students prepare for final exams

Monash is well known as having an extremely political student body. Political views on campus range from the left to the far left. Students at Monash are well known for their numerous protests, most famously a week long protest in 1975 calling for an Australian retreat from World War II (despite the war ending many decades earlier), a 1985 protest to give monkeys the right to vote in elections and a petition and letter writing campaign in 1992 against the assassination of Julius Casear.

Monash is well known for its abundance of alcohol and kangaroo humping on campus - despite not yet having its own library, there are 12 pubs on campus. Outrage was caused in 2004 however when students were only allowed to bring 2 bottles of spirits and 1 slab of beer into exams. A compromise was settled between the student union and the faculty, where it was decided drinking contests could now be graded and used as credit to students' exit score.

Wind problem[edit]

The Robert Menzies building, popular for its Monash University Shooting. Lack of electricity and windows is a concern, but arts students are too stoned to notice.

One particularly embarrassing problem associated with the university has to do with the fact that there is generally a constant declaration of a category 4 hurricane on the Clayton campus, more specifically directly over the Robert Menzies building. Some have pointed this paculiarity out as damning evidence for artifitial global warming perpetrated by the noxious gases and smoke emanating from the weed being smoked by the arts students. Others believe it's a conspiracy, claiming to have seen bubbles being created using this wind power for evil (see below). Then again, it's the art students who believe this.

In either case, the wind problem has been a "fucking annoyance" for all since the construction of the Menzies, and the on-campus students who must deal with this every time they come even near the area are surely planning sweet revenge on the Melbourne Uni architechs who designed it.

Famous shooting
Professor Snuggles is the first monkey to be a dean of a law school.

The Monash University shooting refers to a shooting in which a student shot his classmates and teacher at the Menzies Building during Econometrics class, killing two and injuring five. The Econometrics lecturer got an award for bravery. No wonder so few students take this subject.

Monash Students Association[edit]

There are approximately 120,020 students at the university, represented by the Monash Students Association. The MSA is considered the most extreme left wing student union in the country, however the student union has replied to these accusation's as "typical Liberal party crap".

The MSA has come under criticism for promoting extremist viewpoints, on and off campus. This includes spending the majority of its budget to try and elect David Hicks as Prime Minister of Australia. The women's room has also come under critisism, like many universities with a dedicated women's room; many have asked why not a mens room as well? However the union has come under more criticism for the Gay Albino's room, lesbian monkey room and alcoholic poltergeist support group. Professor Snuggles is known to be a defender for the lesbian monkey room.

The union is currently involved in the fight for land rights for gay whales.


The Prophecy at a desk in S5

With the rise of bubbles predicted to take over the world, and Monash Uni being the central hub for the new cult-like religion of Bubblology - centered around the infamous prophecy scrawled mysteriously across the back of a desk in lecture theatre S5 - there had been calls for the Vice-Chancellor/President to clarify the uni's stance on bubbles. Because no-one knows who or where this Vice-Chancellor/President is, there has been no word on the issue.

That said, it is known that Professor Snuggles has been quite a vocal advocate for the Bubblologists, who are interested in seeing the resurrection of Super Bubble level 2 by super-intelligent bubbles to create the world-dominating Super Bubble level 4. As super-intelligent bubbles has not yet evolved, scary genetic experiments are being carried out to push forward this scenario.

When asked why he supported Bubblology, Prof. Snuggles smiled and jumped about excitedly, pointing to a picture of his close brother who was named Bubbles.


Monash has many campuses in the state of Victoria besides its Clayton Campus (which is the "coolest" one, yet boring one of course), including

  1. Berwick - famous for their weather control programme and accountancy (chickology)
  2. Gippsland - with excellent bogan studies programme as part of the universally desired Bachelor of Arts
  3. Peninsula - that has no programmes because no one knows where it is, which makes it the likely candidate of where the elusive Vice-chancellow/President resides
  4. Caulfield - Wait, there's a campus at Caulfield? Oh, its the train station and the racecourse.
  5. Malaysia - There's a campus in Asia? How the fck do i not know that?
  6. South Africa - Claimed to be the hottest Monash campus. We got people burning there.
  7. Hollywood - For the school of arts

Monash University prides itself on slowly taking over the world by inserting campuses in all the major hubs of the world. It is rumoured that Antarctica may be next on the list, followed by Middle-Earth. This is unlikely since Antarctica is so cold. There's still further plans for global domination.