The money tree is a species of tree which, in the place of foliage, grows paper currency.
Species of Money Tree
The money tree is an extremely rare plant. Despite this, it can be found throughout the world, most frequently in the United States, Europe and Japan. There are multiple varieties of money tree, which are as follows:
- the Euro tree
- First introduced into the European Union in 1492, the Euro tree is one of the most common of money trees. It is most commonly found in central Europe, though they may be found elsewhere. In fact, the French are known to hoard them in the basements of pastry shops (individual ownership of money trees is generally unlawful in socialist states).
Because of its vivacious and competitive nature, the Euro tree has displaced many species of European money tree.
- the Pound tree
- This species is peculiar to the British Isles. It is very closely related to the Euro tree, though much more competitive. Because of this, many central Europeans are pressing for an international program to drive the species into extinction.
- the Dollar tree
- This species is one of the most resilient of money trees. It is found in the United States, as well as some parts of the Caribbean, such as Puerto Rico and Cuba. The plant grows quickly and takes root well. However, American money tree farmers are notorious for bad horticultural practices, especially not paying enough attention to their plants, trimming them down too far, and investing too much money into their plantations.
- the Yuan tree
- The Yuan tree is a species most often found in the People's Republic of China. The tree is known to live for many years (thousands longer than any other specie). For many years cultivators believed the Yuan tree would never produce foliage; however, recently the Yuan money trees appear to be blooming rapidly, due to the state introducing personal ownership of the species.
It is important to note that many Dollar trees are dying out due to the immigration of American cultivators into China.
There are also various other minor trees existing in the world, including but not limited to:
- the Yen tree
- the Peso tree
- the Iraimbianja tree (see:Madagascar)
There is also a bonsai version of the tree. Known simply as the "Penny Farthing", its was the first genetically modified plant in history. Lord Billy Gibbons of Texasville is believed to have spliced sapling branches of the Copper variety with the stem of an ancient Arboris Fiscalis Medievii also known as the Grote Tree by cave dwellers in Ipswich, England, producing a miniature version which can easily fit in a a President or Prime Minister's back pocket. The crop from these trees tends to be disappointing, producing very small fruits of obscure currencies - such as Nepalese weewans and Formosan tenguays, thereby proving very little in the way of economic stimulus.
Biology of the Money Tree
The biological components of the money tree are astounding. These plants employ a process scientists have deemed "currencosynthesis" to survive. Similar to photosynthesis, the money tree absorbs needed materials from its surroundings to sustain life. However, rather than using sunlight and nutrients in the soil, the process of currencosynthesis involves the removal of a nutrient known simply by its code name - "G.R.33.D." - straight from the soil around it. Scientists have been troubled to understand G.R.33.D. due to its extremely volatile nature, but specimens are easily found and further studies continue.
Money trees have evolved many defense systems that prevent them from being stolen by desperate money grabbers. Some subspecies have been reported to shout, 'Look behind you!' and then run away resulting in complete disappoint to the would be picker. Other types have evolved a more lethal "Throw Leaves Into A Chasm Hoping the Threat Will Follow Suit" method; this is very effective due to the high presence of G.R.33.D. present in the soil.
The money tree is a very highly prized plant in the horticultural community. The largest plantations of money trees are on the private homes of Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, though others are known to participate in the hobby, especially Jews.
The Money Tree in Business and Economics
In business, the money tree is much fabled. Believed to be the answer to revenue shortfall by financial directors and business owners, many a sales professional has been heard to mutter, " And I suppose you think there's a money tree growing outside."
Armitage-Shanks insists "Anyone can grow this little beauty, simply take a seed and place it in a jar or tin somewhere around the house. Before you know it it will replicate itself many times over. You can then use the fruits of the tree to pay parking costs, buy newspapers or simply recycle them by throwing them at hawkers, bums, and other undesirables found in most towns."
Money trees in Popular Culture
- There is one in Neopets, and the stuff is pretty easy to grab if you know how to do it.
- Winston Churchill had a money tree which he hid inside the British Parliamentary building during the Second World War. He asked Anthony Eden to water it for him, but Eden forgot and the plant perished, causing the Japanese to attack Hawaii
- Ice skating experts Torville and Dean planted a money tree at the Bospherous during the 1940 Istanbul Winter Games. This tree grew so huge that it's roots are in both Asia and Europe. Unfortunately it was set ablaze by a carelessly discarded cigarette butt during a poker game between Jonny Weissmuller, Frank Sinatra and Alan Pascoe in 1966 causing the Turkish ecomomy to collapse.
How to Become the Owner of a Money Tree
It is extremely difficult to find a money tree, but many have been able to. There are a number of methods to own one:
- By drowning a llama in whisky and then cooking it over open fire, and feeding the remains to the queen of England. This method will only work when using a proper llama (not a vicuna or the even shoddier alpaca) and a recommended brand of whisky not that Irish slop or anything which smells of soil.
- Buy seeds from any Armitage-Shanks stockist - tell them Gordon sent you.
- Spin round fourteen times in a clockwise direction, yelling "Gimme a money tree!" This is best done in a busy thoroughfare of any major city at around 5.30pm local time
- Win one on Wheel of Fortune. Yes, they do give them out.
- Plant all your life's saving in your garden then leave it for ten years.
Tips for Personal Cultivation
Television gardener and writer of many tomes of modern day horticulture, Gordon Armitage-Shanks, suggests that beginners try the hardy Arboris Fiscalis Minimimus also known as the Loose Change Tree. Grown from seed this little tree can survive in any financial climate and thrives in the oddest places when left to seed naturally. It's disc shaped seeds have been found lodged in furniture, old suit pockets, discarded handbags and even in the hats of tramps and buskers.