Monika Dannemann

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“That little minx!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Monika Dannemann

“Heh heh! Boom boom psh!”

~ George Dubya on We Will Rock You

Monika "I Eat Babies" Dannemann (June 24, 1946 – April 5, 1996) was a German figure skater and painter and was best known as the last girlfriend (and judge, jury and executioner) of American guitarist Jimi Hendrix.

She was well known for her love of huffing kittens (as stated in her book), and, to quote her, "...sometimes I would huff soooo many kittens Jimi would have to pull me away from them and beat me with a tube sock filled with soap..."

In 2061.43, she was committed to The Giant Dome of Insane Peoples and Beavers, to spend the rest of her life in quite suffering, because she murdered Hendrix. (Also because she's like...I dunno'...crazy?)

Now lets get on to her life!!

Hendrix and his Death[edit]

Jimi Hendrix died in either the late hours of September 17th, 1970, or the early hours of September 18th, 1970. Although the exact time is not known, it is known that he was found with Monika cramming sleeping pills, alcohol, pot, weed, acid, PCP, dung, a box of twinkeys (unwrapped), Mini Me, his left handed guitar, and a rubber ducky down his throat.

When found, she began screaming 'I didn't kill him! I didn't kill him!' before she stood up and started frothing at the mouth, dancing around like a rabid monkey. Hendrix then woke up, saying 'ah, my head! What the fuck just happened? Why is all this crap in my mouth?!?'. She noticed this, and turning around, preceded to beat Hendrix with her hands, doing a horrible voodoo-child-like dance. Mannnn, it was awesome! No, wait...no it wasn't. It sucked. She killed Hendrix. I want a muffin. Gimme a god dammed muffin! Eeeeehh...I'm gonna' go and cry in the corner because my Evil Uncle Ernie raped me. Oh, what? We're on the air? Can you uh...can you get that out in editing? Yeah? Great. Thanks.

Anyways, as she began to beat Hendrix, he pulled the guitar from his gullet, and proceeded to ram it down her throat, wide end first. She suffocated, and collapsed on the ground, all but dying. Hendrix fell over, and began vomiting. He collapsed in the vomit (he he...commit!). The paramedic took his pulse for about .00008 of a millisecond, and pronounced him dead, saying 'why shouldn't he be dead? Huh? HUH?!?!'. At this point, Monika got up, and, pulling the guitar from her throat, she thrust it into the paramedic, like some sort of King Arthur in reverse. She ran out the door, throwing up a lot of white stuff...wonder what that white stuff was...?

Suggestions of Blame[edit]

Yo yo yo, dawg, lets drop some wack shit on these PCP hopped monkey fuckin' midget hatahs!

Had to get that out.

Anyway, yeah, people suspected her of killing Hendrix. Yep. Yup. Uh huh. Oh yeah. Alright. Yeah. Okeedokee. Bye bye now.

After Hendrix[edit]

Monika "I Eat Babies" Dannemann went on to live in Big Foot Town, near China Town in San Fransisco. She sucked Bigfoot's dick for 5 dollars, and lived a very happy life, until she died of shitting out her prostate in 1996. She was later brought back to life just to be tormented. How sad, yes? No. She deserved it. She really did. Bitch....

Book[edit]

She later would write a book about what it was like to be brought back to life with syphilis, and how she killed Hendrix, and would like to kill him again. She wrote this all in lite green crayon, except for the pictures, which she drew with poop. She did this during her stay in that one mental hospital...you know the one...anyway, she wrote it, and sent it back in time to Iron Man Publishing House, and, like, I dunno'...got it published?? Yeah...that sounds about right...whew, pulled THAT one through!!