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A monitor is an item used for the pissing off of parents, the confusion of n00bs, and more commonly, the viewing of pr0n. Despite its wide variety of uses, and its ability to please horny young males (and old ones alike), the original creator of the monitor, Microsoft Windows, has never received any sort of recognition for this feat. This is most likely because of the fact that the people using the monitor for such enjoyment are swiftly apprehended by their wives and/or mothers, and banned from the use of the monitor, therefore hindering their ability to post affirmative blogs on Myspace of the creator's exploits.
It is widely thought that Alexander Graham Bell created the first monitor in October of 1854, when he was watching the television that he had invented, while calling someone in a different time zone on the telephone. The story goes, that Bell's astonishment when he received the news that the time was three hours different in another area, caused the phone to erupt, spilling over the secret ingredient to Bell's genius from the phone into the television, hence creating the monitor.
However, this story lacks any research, and has been merely dismissed by everyone in my inner circle. The true story, proven by moments of painstaking research in the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, includes Windows (not Bill Gates, but the actual Operating System of Windows}, thinking up ways to become more pwnzorz. The overused OS then came across the idea of allowing people to actually see the pr0n that they were looking up. Even the 1337 Linux users hailed this as a technological achievement, although they would soon revert to using coded monitors, so as to make more desperate attempts at making people think they were still 1337.
Windows (at that time in Windows Office Dos Gates Special Edition Platinum Home Standard Version 0.87.2) created the monitor out of a very intricate recipe, known only to Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, George W. Bush, and every non-mainstream media outlet in the world. It is as follows:
- 666 lbs. of pure plastic
- Bill Gates' glasses
- 6 1/2 cups of glare
- One metric shitload of pr0n viewing capability
This monitor was created in 5 BC, shortly after the creation of the internet. Why people believe the above ridiculous story about Bell eludes me, because people had been using the monitor for damn near 2000 years before the time taking place in the story. This fact alone proved to Windows (who could see into the future) that the human race was just stupid enough to believe that its prototype version monitor was buyable and usable. Because of the fact that only 6 1/2 cups of glare were used, Microsoft really had to up their advertising for people to accept this new innovation into the computer world. They produced the first and only televised commercial in the history of their corporation, which wasn't taken too seriously, for the fact that in 5 BC, Alexander Graham Bell was the only person to own a television set.
Bell, having seen this advertisement, decided to steal the idea, and create his own model, which he advertised via telephone. By adding 7 more cups of glare, and 700 more pounds of plastic (and just a hint more pr0n viewing capability), Bell was able to market his monitor to the millions of stupid Americans who didn't even have a computer yet. Clever, ain't it?
Upon finding that the monitor was stolen by Bell, the people of America, out of sheer anger, promptly called upon Chuck Norris to eliminate him. However, they didn't realize that Norris is unsummonable by mortals, and hence half of their race was destroyed by Norris. The other half was protected by Windows, who had planned to scam them with his monitor idea anyways.
Windows, realizing his new power over the masses, decided he could use it to create a totalitarian government of the world. He called this tyranny "XP." The masses were quickly controlled. Soon, nobody could contradict the XP, and the world began a swift decline into oblivious, brainwashed activity.
Released in 1966, the Rolling Stones album Aftermath was one of their greatest and most successful. However, it had nothing to do with this article, so it was promptly disposed of.
Then came the rebels. The rebels were people who could see past the brainwashing deceptions of Windows, and put together several plots to overthrow him. They formed Operators Pwning Everybody Noobs Since Our Unix Runs-You-Over Continuously EH (OPEN SOURCE), and started creating several poorly programmed alternatives to Windows' Monitor Vista, only to be trampled upon by the closed-minded 99% of people in the world. Because of the people's ability to shun the truth, Microsoft's monitor stayed the most used, and will always be.
As previously mentioned, the monitors of today have several uses. These include:
- Watching pr0n
- Editing this article
- Watching porn
- Being flamed (which is more often the case)
- Playing MMORPGOMGZORZ
- Professing your love for the biology teacher in hidden Myspace blogs
- Vandalizing this article
- Throwing out your window
- Most often happening on bad days for the stock market, or when your uber newb LAGZORZ pisses off too many 13375 and they pwn your n00b a$$
- Making pointless lists
- A quick, painless suicide by means of electrocution
It is speculated that the monitor has other uses, but nobody has ever had time to find out what they are, because they were too busy watching pr0n or writing terrible Uncyclopedia articles, so they are therefore alleged not to exist at all.