Monty Burns

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Charles Montgomery Burns
No image
Date of birth: c. Big Bang
Place of birth: Pangaea
Nationality: Plutocrat
Occupation CEO of Enron (also known as Springfield Nuclear Power Plant to evade the Nuclear Regualtory Commission)
Religion Capitalism
Children Faust

“Bobo, I know I say this every century, but I'll never lose you again.”

~ Monty Burns on Bobo the bear

“Smithers, release the hounds”

Charles Montgomery Burns is the current CEO of Enron and suitor of Bernie Madoff.

Early Life[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Monty Burns.

When he was very young he lived happily with his loving parents and now estranged little brother Scrooge McDuck in the Bailiwick of Shangri-La. He soon chose to live with a twisted billionaire in Transylvania where he founded Wal-Mart at the age of 22. He later decided to sail to America for a better life so he left his company to his son, Faust and that danish HATER , Lars Ulrich. It is in America that he founded his now imperial company, Enron.


Burns served in the United States Army in World War II, seeing action in Europe under Sergeant Abraham Simpson. However, Burns may also have worked for (or traded with) Nazi Germany, as he remarks, "Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis; but mine worked damn it!". Burns's close relations with an anachronistic version of Germany are supported by the fact that an Otto von Bismarck lookalike, complete with handlebar moustache and pickelhaube helmet, was the only guest on his side in his failed attempt to marry Jacqueline "Jackie" Bouvier. When Burns meets with a German business consortium to discuss selling the nuclear plant, it is revealed that he speaks fluent German. In addition, he once tried to send a letter to the Prussian consulate (the precursor to modern Germany) in Siam by aeromail.

At the end of the war he was personally hired by President Harry S. Truman to transport a specially-printed trillion-dollar bill that was the American Government's original contribution to the reconstruction of Europe, but this bill vanished for many years. Though it was discovered to be carried on his person, besides a single failed arrest attempt there was no known investigation or attempt to retrieve the stolen bill. The bill is currently in the hands of Fidel Castro, who stole it when Burns attempted to buy Cuba.

During the 1960s Burns operated a biological weapons laboratory until it was destroyed by peace activists including Mona Simpson (the laboratory's motto was When the H-Bomb isn't enough). Shortly thereafter he built the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. In the 70's, his major collaborator, Waylon Smithers Sr., died while trying to prevent a nuclear accident, and Burns took responsibility for Smither's son, Waylon Smithers Jr.. However, Burns never told him the truth about Smithers Sr's death, saying that he was killed on the Amazon by a tribe of wild women. Burns is also well known from his boycotting Greenpeace pro-environmental actions from inside: "You stupid hippies. I wasn't 'Wavy Gravy' at all! And all this time I was smoking harmless tobacco!"

The Plutocrat of Springfield[edit]

Burns has owned the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant for the last 50 or so years, obtaining a monopoly over Springfield's energy resources. He also owns the water works and the hotel on Baltic Avenue. Burns has been known to use his control over the city's energy to blackmail mayor Joe Quimby, and the town in general. In 1995 Burns built an elaborate contraption to block out the sun in Springfield, thus ensuring that citizens would have to use his electricity 24 hours a day. The move earned him widespread animosity, and he was ultimately shot, accidentally as it turns out, by Maggie Simpson. Before Maggie was revealed to be the shooter there was a widespread investigation of nearly every citizen in town, as Burns had angered just about everyone with some of his policies over the years. There have been subsequent indications that Maggie might have shot him intentionally.

After recovering from the shooting, Burns went on to continue his rule as plutocrat and soon began a political campaign to make himself the undisputed dictator of Springfield in 1995. However his campaign was one of terror, intimidation and bribery. His campaign turned Springfield from the once proud and productive city to a sad place where everyone was afraid to leave their houses due to Burns' hit squad led by the infamous criminal Snake. No one dared stand up to Burns and due to this intimidation, Burns won the elections and became dictator. He ruled the city from his nuclear power plant. His rule cast a dark shadow over Springfield, literally. Burns had built a gigantic sun blocker and covered the city in complete darkness. Children became orphans. Widows began to starve. The citizens lived in fear and despair, and no one dared to stand up against Burns' regime. To ensure that opposition would not arise, Burns executed Joe Quimby, the former mayor. Then in order to keep himself in power until his death, Burns changed the Springfield Town Charter, abolishing elections. This rule of fear and intimidation went unopposed for nine years until 2004, when an organisation named Springshield was founded by Homer Simpson, the father of Maggie Simpson and son of Mona Simpson. Springshield was devoted to cleaning up the streets of Springfield and ending Burns corrupt rule.

The Split[edit]

Burns in determination to rid himself of Springshield sent out Snake to invade the Simpson household and murder the entire family, however Smithers opposed this decision made by his employer and spoke out against it. Burns was furious and cast Smithers out onto the streets, revealing the truth about his father's death. Snake failed in his attempt to kill the Simpsons and Springshield began to clean up the streets. Little by little the silence within Springfield began to break, as more areas became free from fear and intimidation. After losing half of the city to Springshield, and word spreading fast, Burns split Springfield down the middle. A gigantic wall of rubbish was built and it was here that Springfield became two separate cities. Old Springfield remained under Burns whilst New Springfield enjoyed freedom. Historians are quick to note that springshield could not have defeated the numerically superior forces of Burns without the aid of the ents.

The Smithers Coup[edit]

Burns was fully aware that Old Springfield had witnessed the events of Springshield via word of mouth, and further tightened the reins of his dictatorship. It was during this time that Smithers launced a coup. Although he did not intend to harm Burns, just remove him from power Burns refused to go down without a fight. Snake was assigned as Burns' personal bodyguard during the coup. However Smithers and a few other former employees entered the power plant and attacked Burns. Snake failed to prevent this from occuring, but Burns himself escaped and the rebels were captured. Burns ordered Smithers tortured and beaten, then Burns in a rare case, showed mercy to his former ally and allowed him to live. Smithers was thrown out of the power plant a broken man. In Snake's case however, Burns refused to show mercy, for his failure to protect the plutocrat, Snake was executed on Burns' orders. This decision would prove fatal for Burns, as his criminal army began to resent the plutocrat for Snake's murder. It would be this decision that led to Burns' own downfall and eventual death.


Toppling The Wall and Sun Blocker

As Old Springfield began to sink further and further into despair, New Springfield began to become a happy and productive city. Despite this, Homer Simpson still remained optimistic that New Springfield should invade Old Springfield to topple Burns and reunite the city once more. So it was done, Springshield activists sotrmed the great wall which divided Springfield and broke through. Afterwards Homer Simpson led an assault against Burns' sun blocker. The gigantic structure was toppled and for the first time in almost ten years Springfield saw the sun.

Call For Negociations

Burns knew that it was only a matter of time before he was booted from the seat of power and so in a live television broadcast he sent out a message to Springshield, offering to negotiate with them in order to end the violent conflict. However Burns made a big mistake in believing that Springshield could be simply bought off, when the elderly plutocrat offered to pay Springshield to leave him in power, it only enraged them further. Burns' plan had backfired. Springshield sent a reply, telling Burns that his rule of terror was coming to an abrupt end very shortly.

Burns during his television speech

End of Plutocratism

As Springshiled began plotting their assault on Burns' power plant, the plutocrat's criminal army began to plot betrayal. After witnessing their employer's extreme cruelty in executing Snake, they decided that Springfield would be better off without a man like Burns in power. So in the dead of night, as Springshield forces mounted their assault on the nuclear power plant, Burns' criminal army approached the plutocrat's office and confronted him. Burns remained confident and offered the criminals more money, however they were not moved or even tempted by this offer. The thugs grabbed hold of Burns and took him to his office window. They then threw the plutocrat through the glass. Burns fell to his death, and thus ended Burns' plutocrastic rule of Springfield. However Burns had the last laugh. He had always anticipated betrayal and even assassination at the hands of his former allies and so left a bomb inside the nuclear power plant. The bomb exploded and blew the power plant and half of Springfield with it. Even in death Burns haunts Springfield and it's people. His actions will forver leave a deep imprint upon the city's history.

Burns was later taken down by Randy Orton with an RKO.


  • Charles Montgomery Burns appeared in a wide range of media after his death. In a movie, he was portrayed as an evil villain whilst in Springfield songs, people would sing about the heroics of Springshield and the evil crimes of Burns.

C. Mongomery Burns: The Movie[edit]

C. Montgomery Burns is supposedly another living

This is him when he's high on Crack. SHHHHHH, He's trying to scare a Kid

embodiment of Jesus. Unknown to many he resides in a massive underground cavern located off the coast of the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan. He is however known by many seeing as a character on "The Simpsons", one of the most successful TV shows of all time, is loosely based on him. This film focuses on the real Montgomery Burns, not the fictional one.

Again, contrary to popular belief, Burns is actually of Chinese descent. The son of an unnamed eunuch and a regular peasant girl. Born Jonas Fong, his mother died in childbirth at the age of 9 years old, leaving his father to find another hobby, seeing as he would beat her for sport before her death. Before becoming immortalized in television young Jonas's claim to fame was that his father had invented paper in the 2nd century B.C.

After realizing the fact that his father was a horrible parent he distanced himself from the Fong family by using various strange names including Don José San Penisangel among others. Eventually he changed his name to Charles Montgomery Burns. He moved to Toronto and found work as a gigolo, although this was short lived due to the fact that he conducted business in the gay village and became tired of applying liberal amounts of a topical anasthetic to his anus every single day. He then moved up the ladder of sleaze. He became a pimp and would sell underage horny midgets to the homeless at premium prices.

Eventually he became close friends with Genghis Khan, who apparently had a midget fetish. Genghis Khan invited him to work for Microsoft, Khan's software company, which also specialized in sex toys. Popular belief said that he had a falling-out with Khan after Burns videotaped himself sodomizing Khan's wife at the time, Gary Coleman. Khan managed to acquire a copy of the tape and set out to kill Burns. Several days later the two met for the first time since the tape appeared, a fight ensued, with Burns being the victor. With Khan dead, Burns became the C.E.O of Microsoft. Shortly afterwards he divorced Gary Coleman and married William H. Gates, who Burns later sold the company to.

Burns took a two year break from the business world in 1955 and went to work in a Mexican spice mine for a year. After being molested by another mine worker, he gave up that job for a promising career as a professional rave dancer. It was around this time that he had a vision from God. "You are Jesus reborn" said god "Spread the word that I'm divine or I'll fuck your children!"

Burns spread God's teachings for a while but got tired of it and returned to business, where he started his own company. He soon grew to accept the fact that God was carying out his threat with vigour and has been heard to affectionatly refer to him as "sonny boy". He is now retired and living with his third wife, Stephen Hawking in his subterranean cave, although he is known to frequent a dude ranch once owned by Hitler (now owned by the Dukes of Hazzard)where he often spends his time berating immigrants who work on the ranch and watching Turkey Wrestling with longtime friend Che Guevara.

See also[edit]