Mortal Kombat II

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Mortal Kombat II.

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Mortal Kombat II is a video game and the thirteenth title in the Mortal Kombat fighting game series. Storywise, it is supposedly preceded by Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, but (in recent times), the canon of that game has come into question, so (for many), Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks is not canon to the story of Mortal Kombat II, and is thought of as being a loose canon.

Characters and cast[edit]

New characters[edit]

  • Baraka: Wolverine wannabe. He attempted to impersonate as Obama but failed since he wasn't black.
  • Jax: A member of the U.S. Spoon and Fork Club and a longtime comrade of Sonya Blade, who enters the tournament to rescue her from Shao Kahn so the frigid bitch will finally put out. Hes got fucking sweet robot arms bitch! And hes black.
  • Kitana: Shao Kahn's personal masseuse and step-daughter.
  • Kung Lao: Shaolin monk and homie of Liu Kang, who seeks to avenge the destruction of the Shaolin Temple.
  • Mileena: An ugly whore who wears pink, and was sued for biting off Jax's arms.
  • Reptile: Shang Tsungs old body gaurd....but was fired for sleeping with his wife. He wears a gang-green like Ninja suit similar to the designs of scorpian and sub-zero but is really a horny lizard that wants to tap Mileena. EEEEWWWWWW!

Returning characters[edit]

  • Johnny Cage: Hollywood movie star who joins Liu Kang in his journey to Outworld, but doesn't really help, as his only goal is to nail one of Shao Kahn's assassins(not including Mileena).
  • Liu Kang: The Shaolin monk who is the reigning champion of Mortal Kombat. Travels to Outworld to seek revenge for the death of his fellow monks. He is thought to be related to Beavis because of the high-pitched gibberish he emits while doing his bicycle kick. Sometimes he is like a Bruce Lee wannabe.
  • Sub-Zero: The younger and merciful brother of the original Sub-Zero, sent to assassinate Shang Tsung. Scorpion still plans on kicking his ass. Sub-Zero wears the blatantly un-ninjalike color of powder blue so that his enemies will be distracted when they laugh at what a gay color he's wearing, then he can freeze their scrotums, making them contract until they pop the testicles. He gains his freezing powers from his Canadian heritage.
  • Scorpion: The Hell-spawned spectre who returns to the tournament to once again assassinate Sub-Zero because he was drunk when he killed the original Sub-Zero, so he doesn't remember doing it and thinks the new Sub-Zero is the one who murdered him. Actually one of the most popular characters, but he always gets some shitty part in the game that usually involves him trying to kill someone and failing.
  • Shang Tsung: The evil sorcerer who has convinced Shao Kahn to spare his anal virginity after losing the last tournament, with a new evil plan to appease his master Shao Kahn, who in turn also restores Tsung's youth, making him more mobile and agile. Why he didn't do this before the first tournament is unknown. Maybe Shao Kahn is just stupid or something.
  • Raiden: Crazed Thor admirer who has taught himself to use a big ass hammer and shoot electricity just like his hero. Known to wear a basket on his head so he appears harmless, then kill his victims through anal electrocution.

Non-playable characters[edit]

  • Jade: Jade's introduction to the Mortal Kombat series is quite similar to that of Reptile's. She was simply an extremely fast palette-swap of Kitana who could not be harmed by projectiles and, in some ports of MKII, had tanned skin. In the first Mortal Kombat, Reptile made his appearance as a green-colored version of Scorpion with both Scorpion and Sub-Zero's abilities. When Jade made her first non-secret appearance in Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3, she was given her own attributes and storyline. The same happened for Reptile when he made his first non-secret appearance in Mortal Kombat II. Jade's name was not superimposed over her MKII energy meter; its inclusion was likely forgotten by the programmers during production.

Jade could be seen peeking out from a tree in The Living Forest Arena in Mortal Kombat II, as could another secret opponent Smoke. It was then further suggested in the comic book series that Jade and Smoke were in fact assassins working for Shao Kahn. However, the comic books were considered to be non-canon.

  • Kano: One eyed kangaroo fuckerand the man is so obsessed about kissing, rubbing and tickling Sonya Blade's vagina.
  • Kintaro: Shokan warrior, general of Shao Kahn's army, and is stronger than Shao Kahn, but somehow doesn't overthrow him and replace him.
  • Noob Saibot: Evil dark ninja, formerly known as Sub-Zero. When he went to Hell, he was asked to pick a new name as a demon. He chose the name "Noob," completely unaware that this would get him made fun of by all the other demons. The only way to defeat Noob is by pwning him. The battle against him is known as the n00b r0xx0r. And fanboys made fun of his name calling him a n00b.
  • Shao Kahn: Former president of Springfield. Is a bad ass villain and had sex with Mileena. Yet, he will beat your ass for breathing his air. *Smoke: Sub-Zero's friend from the Lin Kuei, was fired from the Lin Kuei after he failed a drug test. He wears a ninja outfit to disguise the fact that he's black, but everyone can tell because crack smoke comes from his body, and everyone knows only black people smoke crack.
  • Sonya Blade: Captured by Shao Kahn and tied up in his colosseum, which is kind of hot! Then she gets her vagina tickled. (Coochie Coochie Coochie Coo!!!!)

Boss and Sub-Boss[edit]


  • Shao Kahn Ruler of Outworld. Walks around half-naked.


  • Some 4-armed asshole who fights really cheaply... guess it's Kintaro or something. (Gore-Ho)


Following his defeat, Shang Tsung begs his dominatrix, Shao Kahn, to spare his butt-hole. He tells Shao Kahn that the invitation for Mortal Kombat cannot be turned down, and if they hold it in Outworld, the Earthrealm warriors must attend. Kahn agrees to this plan, and restores Tsung's youth, which is stupid, because he's basically rewarding him for fucking up the first plan. He extends the invitation to Raiden, who gathers his warriors and takes them into Outworld. The tournament is dangerous, as Shao Kahn has the home field advantage, and an Outworld victory will unbalance the furies and allow Outworld to subsume Earthrealm. Don't worry if you don't understand all the crap about unbalancing the furies; the creators were a bit high when they wrote that part.

Mortal Kombat II follows Mortal Kombat and precedes Mortal Kombat 12.

It seems to have been replaced storywise by Mortal Kombat: South Central Crack Hos, though many argue that this game has many contradictions to the events in the Mortal Kombat storyline, and, as such, should not be considered canon. These people, however, are nerds and need to get a life.

Karacter bios and endings[edit]


Bio: He led the attack against Liu Kang's Shaolin krack-houses. Baraka belongs to a nomadic race of mutants living in the wastelands of the Outworld. His fighting and Mad Dog chugging skills gained the attention of Shao Kahn who recruited him into his army.

Ending: Known for his unpredictable actions and wild fits of anger, Baraka goes on a Mad Dog-fueled rampage, as only a true hobo can. After defeating the earth warriors, he attacks Shang Tsung, Kintaro and finally Shao Kahn himself.

After defeating Shao Kahn, Baraka's race of mutant hobos rise from skid row and rebel against what is left of them rich people with their fancy houses and shit. They eventually win, and the Outworld comes under the rule of king Baraka. Now, Baraka seeks for Mileena so he can make her his queen (and his bitch).


Bio: His real name is Jamal Leroy Tyrone Jerome Shaniqua Blackman, leader of a top US special forces unit. After receiving a distress signal from Lt. Sonya Blade, Jax embarks on a rescue mission. One that leads him to a chance to get laid if he rescues Sonya. Fun Fact: Jax is actually related to Shaq in which he is Shaq's 2nd kousin and Michael Jordan's brother.

Ending: Jax finds Sonya held kaptive alongside their arch enemy Kano. Her only chance of escape is by Jax entering Shao Kahn's kontest. With fierce determination he katches the Outworld Warriors off guard and wins the Tournament bringing Shao Kahn's rule to a krashing halt.

During the Chaos that follows, Jax and Sonya escape through the dimensional gate from which they entered. Kano once again eludes kapture but Jax and Sonya know they will kross paths with him in the future. Sonya still never puts out, so Jax goes Bat Fuck Insane and rapes her, then kills himself. Jax was then Spirit Jax after Nappa used an orb and he went to be the role as Michael on the television show on Niggerlodeon, My Wife and Kids.

Johnny Cage[edit]

Bio: After Shang Tsung's tournament, the martial arts superstar disappears. He follows Liu Kang into the Outworld. There he will kompete in a twisted tournament which holds the balance of earth's existence- as well as a script for another blockbuster movie. The shallow kunt.

Ending: After disappearing from the set of his latest movie, Cage finally resurfaces. He used all his knowledge and experiences as a fighter to get tons of chicks in Outworld. Now heralded as a true pimp, Cage receives the pussy he rightfully deserves which is kissing Sonya Blade's Vagina.

He also gets his inspiration for the sequel to his blockbuster movie Mortal Kombat. MK II is released and quickly becomes the greatest motion picture event of all time. Cage realizes that MK III is inevitable, as is Midway attempting to shamelessly plug their next game. He also had sex with Sonya which then made Jax and Kano Bat Fuck Insane and killed Baraka to use his blade to slice up his fuckin Mortal Ass! 2 years later, Cage was ressurected by Raiden and had sex with Sonya again.


Bio: Her beauty hides her true role as personal assassin for Shao Kahn. Seen talking to an earth-realm warrior, her motives have kome under suspicion by her twin sister/former lover Mileena. But only Kitana knows her own true intentions.

Ending: As a result of her years of work as an assassin, Kitana has learned many secrets, especially about her past. She discovers that Mileena is not her twin but a grotesque bull dyke.

She learns that her parents were homeless drug addicts and her mother was a whore. Determined to take back what is hers, she must defeat Kahn. She does so by entering the tournament. She reclaims her parents' kardboard box and restores the Hobo Realm to a realm of drunkenness. She then attempted Hara-Kiri when Adolf Hitler killed Jade.

Kung Lao[edit]

Bio: A former Shaolin Monk and a member of NAMBLA, he is the last descendant of the Great Cornholio who was defeated by Butthead 500 years ago. Realizing the danger of the Outworld menace he joins Liu Kang (referred to by him as "butt munch," in the style of his ancestors) in entering Shao Kahn's kontest.

Ending: A former Shaolin Street Killa alongside Liu Kang, Kung Lao also grieves the loss of their Shaolin homies. He realizes that his ultimate fate lies within the dark realm of the Bloods. He defeats his kracka-ass opponents until he emerges the supreme OG.

With his gats and krunk juice in complete alignment he finally avenges the death of his great ancestor. Although his greatest challenges lie ahead... (His challenge was to be in Street Fighter and kill Zangief because he sucked ass playing as him and he also sucked ass with T. Hawk which then he traveled to the future to kill Nightwolf but, he was so god damn retarded that he didn't know that wasn't T. Hawk.)

Liu Kang[edit]

Bio: After winning the Shaolin Tournament from Shang Tsung's klutches Kang returns to his krackhouse. He discovers his sacred home in ruins, his Shaolin stoners killed in a vicious battle with a horde of Outworld cops. Now he travels into the Dark Realm to seek more drugs.

Ending: With his Shaolin krack-house in ruins, Liu Kang journeys into the Outworld, enters Shao Kahn's tournament and unleashes a strung-out, heroin-fueled, Sid Vicious-like fury that does not end until the defeat of Shao Kahn, which sounded a lot like "WOOOLOOOWWWOOOWOOOLLOOO!". Liu Kang then returns to the seclusion of his van by the river.

He pays his respects to his lost brothers and finally realizes that the events which have taken place were all fulfillment of his acid-induced vision. Damn hippy. He then gets killed by Chuck Norris due to everybody thinking Norris died in Way of the Dragon but what is true is that Chuck Norris never dies, even in movies and it was revealed Liu Kang was Bruce Lee's reincarnation.


Bio: Serving as an assassin along with her twin sister/butt buddy Kitana, Mileena's dazzling appearances conceal her hideous [face] intentions. At Shao Kahn's request she is asked to watch for her twin's suspected dissension. She must put a stop to it at any kosts, however she only seems to actually spy on her when she's in the shower or getting dressed.

Ending: Once thought to be Kitana's twin sister, Mileena is actually a grotesque demonic bull dyke kreated by Rosie O'Donnell. With Shao Kahn's suspicions of Kitana's motives, Mileena seizes the opportunity to attack Kahn and his minions.

Caught off guard, they are no match for Mileena's speed. She wins the tournament and together with her secret lover, (and transsexual) Baraka, they rule the world as king and queen. Then, she said "Fuck this, I got 12 better sexmates." She then told Baraka that they were Darth Maul, Doc Brown, Angry Video Game Nerd, Brak, Ren, Stimpy, Frankenstein, Zorro, Charlton Heston, Deadpool, Voltron, and Jet Black.


Bio: Watching events unfold from high above, the thunder god realises the grim intentions of Shao Kahn. After warning the remaining members of the Shaolin Tournament, Raiden grabs his thunderdong, an enormous dildo infused with electrical power and sets out for Outworld wearing a blue apron.

Ending: Familiar with Shang Tsung's lies and Shao Kahn's brutality, Raiden accepts their challenge to kompete in an Outworld tournament. He is well aware of their scheme to unbalance the furies and invade the earth realm. Raiden vows to use all his might to end their treachery.

By winning the tournament, Raiden destroys Shao Kahn and all his minions. He also destroys the world, just because he kicks that much ass. He thinks he's won, but Thor attacks him and kills him for being such a blatant ripoff. He traveled into the future to fight Superman and he killed him... "And how many times did Superman die? I don't give a shit." The Narrator said. "Hey, get back to the story!" said Raiden. So the Narrator went on and said, "THE FUCKING END!"


Bio: As the leader of the raptors, the elusive Reptile lurks in the shadows stopping all those who would expose his secret plan to stage the holocaust and the moon landing, neither of which ever really happened. His human form is believed to disguise a horrid reptilian creature whose race was thought extinct millions of years ago, but it was actually just another konspiracy by the Illuminati.

Ending: Reptile has always loyally served as Barney's protector. While maintaining a very low profile in the first tournament he discovered Tsung's plot to force the remaining members of his near extinct race into slavery under Shao Kahn's rule. Reptile then devises a plan of his own.

He enters the Outworld tournament, and in true Illuminati style, he waits until Shang Tsung is driving past a grassy knoll, then shoots him with 2 bullets at once from different angles. Then, he lives in the jungle until he was killed by Tarzan.


Bio: The hell-spawned hobo, one of many hobos in the tournament, rises from the dumpster he was rummaging through. After learning of Sub-Zero's return, he again stalks the ninja assassin, hoping to steal his identity and get off the street - unaware of the possibility that he doesn't really know what Sub-Zero looks like under his mask and any idiot could dress up as him just to piss Scorpion off.

Ending: Upon learning of Sub-Zero's reappearance, Scorpion enters Shao Kahn's tournament. He witnesses Sub-Zero drink a bottle of fortified wine without flinching and realises that this is not the same Sub-Zero who murdered him so long ago, but a fellow hobo. The tournament seems to be populated mostly by hobos, so they all get together and take over the world. He then felt lonely and he went online to get a date. It was Mileena but Scorpion didn't have a damn clue. Then he went and became an internet meme by saying, "I HATE TEDDIES!"

Shang Tsung[edit]

Bio: After losing control of the Shaolin Tournament, Tsung promises his ruler Shao Kahn to shape events that will lure the earth warriors to compete in his own contest. Convinced of this plan, Shao Kahn restores Tsung's hymen and allows him to retain his anal virginity.

Ending: Shang Tsung not only turns against and defeats both Kintaro and Shao Kahn, he also takes over their rule of the Outworld. With Shao Kahn's armies at his command, he finally unbalances the Furies, and weakens the dimensional gates between the Outworld and the Earth Realm.

Along with his elite group of sorcerers he uses this weakness to march a never-ending horde of midget cockpunching terrorists onto the earth and doom its inhabitants to eternal testicular pain. Have a nice day. :)


Bio: Thought to have been killed in the Shaolin Tournament, Sub-Zero mysteriously returns. It is believed he travelled into the Outworld to again attempt to assassinate Shang Tsung. To do so he must fight his way through Shao Kahn's tournament.

Ending: When Sub-Zero failed to return from the Shaolin tournament and rumor of Shang Tsung's survival reached the Lin Kuei clan, they immediately sent another assassin to complete the task. This new warrior is actually some homeless guy they found passed out behind the local pub one day. He turns out to be Sub-Zero's brother, who was never known to exist before, because Sub-Zero was ashamed of him.

He enters the outworld contest and accomplishes his task. He learns of Scorpion's foul vendetta against his brother but will never know why his life was spared. It is presumed that scorpion was heavily drunk at the time. Perhaps a third tournament is in his future? Or maybe just another boring night of drinking Colt 45 and passing out behind the dumpster in the alley behind the bar. Loves to yell "I love pussy!!" at his foes. Sub-Zero loves to call his penis, his "icicle", or "Ernecio"