| Article written in the style of its subject|
This article is funny because it is written in the real or imagined writing style of its subject. If you do not find it funny, it is probably because you are an ignorant cultural philistine who does not recognise this without explanation. If you still do not find the article funny, that is probably because a joke loses its humor when it is explained. If you hadn't been so ignorant, then you wouldn't have needed to have the joke explained to you in the first place.
As it is well known, all fighting game series have some sort of gimmikk to help them stand out from the krowd. Street Fighter revolutionized the genre by taking the fighting out into the streets, instead of in a ring, as all the previous games had been.
Mortal Kombat's gimmikk was to replace all instances of a hard "c" sound with the letter 'K' (bekause of that feature, it was one of the first applikations to bekome part of KDE). There was also something about kopious amounts of blood and violence. Parents were outraged by the fakt that Mortal Kombat kontained kopious amounts of nonsensikal spelling errors and the outrage was so great that the United States Kongress held hearings. The hearings and the great koncern about spelling errors in video games eventually lead to the fornikation of the ESRB ratings, which in turn led to the Video Game Adultery Association of Amerika, or the VGAAA.
Several sekuels were released. In the the sekond most recent game, "Mortal Kombat: We Gots Brand New Kharakters That You Kan Play In Some Other Useless Mode", the main kharakter is Shujinko (Japanese for "dumbass"), who retrieves the seven-and-a-half Kamidogu (Japanese for "cheap plastik trinkets") and thus unwittingly allows Oprah to konquer and kontrol all known universes.
In the most recent one all the kharakters kome together to celebrate Blaze's birthday. Half these kharakters even overkome death to be at the party. However Blaze eats Oprah's steroids and he grows big and tall. Some fighting brothers show up and want to kill Blaze bekause they heard gossip from their friends that whoever defeats blaze will get a godlike kookie. Everyone begins fighting. Then they klimb a pyramid to give Blaze a present and take his kookie. The story has won many awards and the kharakter's bakk stories are the best since Pokemon vs. Mortal Kombat.
Pokemon Vs. Mortal Kombat was then banned due to Pikachu's ribkage being ripped out by Skorpion.
Above: A typikal Mortal Kombat match.
The Mortal Kombat series has many unique features. Or at least, features that may have been unique at one point in time, however this is more often than not no longer the kase. It was the first fighting game to have digitized aktors and the produktion krew was forced to kill one aktor while filming each fatality.
- Goro (Gorro) - Portuguese for baseball hat. A kertain student at Fox Chapel Area High Skool. Known for his inappropriate use of Nalgene bottles. Otherwise known as Barry Bonds.
- Sheeva - The stokk helpless pretty girl kharakter. The only mold breaking aspekts being a giant, four armed and bulging-muscled monster. She was made as the Goro alternative, after he was found to kause kancer. She also makes great hash.
- Rayden - A Chinese chewing-gum poster-man with a very thikk French akcent. A rip off of that guy from "Big Trouble in Little China". LSD gave him the power to shoot lightning bolts.
- Sonja - Grown up Powerpuff Girl. The chikk who could always kikk your ass, then when put you in between her massive thighs till you suffokated from enjoyment.
- Liu Kang - A reinkarnation of Bruce Lee!! Sent by Lee to keep a klose eye on the universe.
- Sektor - Like a huge robotik version of Bjork, only less violent.
- Jax - Samuel L. Jakkson with metal arms and fighting more mutha fukkas!!
- Subterranean-Zero - Another instantly rekognisable Mortal Kombat pirate. Best known for his steamy role in the 1990 box-office smash Don't Kall Me Ninja.
- Citana - The only entity ever to come within ten miles of Mortal Kombat and not be spelled with a K.
- Sin Dell - One of the most feared kharakters, this telesaleswoman from Dell Komputers will savagely market her opponents to death using top-of-the-range information tekhnology.
- Kabal - Darth Vader's son in law, also kalled Darth Kabal.
- Cyrax - Mikhal Jakkson's love machine gone krazy after the transformation into a woman.
- Kano - Some Australian thug whom has a very thick Australlian accent andloves dranks, chikken legs, and getting breaks from exotik women (he perfers blondes however).
- Shang Tsung - No one knows who he is. He's a very oriental man with a problem adjusting the tone of his voice (seriously, his voice goes from high to deep at any given moment) and a sick desire to fuck Sonya Blade. Mostly believed to be the dekrepit old man you kould take down with a simple slide. Even though he kan turn into anyone else, he likes to turn into Jade just to look at himself naked in front of a mirror and masturbate when nobody's watching.
- Mileena - Klearasil model.
- Rain - The leader of the Mortal Kombat pirates. He was on Mortal Kombat the Series. Again, that's "Mortal Kombat: The Series," please watch it.
- Ermak - Also a pirate. His name is short for his full name, Error J. Makro.
- Baraka - Obama
- Scorpion - a reinkarnation of Ghost Rider.
- Kung Lao - That black guy. You know, the magician.
Mortal Kombat is known also to be the first game ever to feature more hidden kharakters than aktual kharakters.
- Reptile - A Frogman - his name was to be Anure, but the kreators said it would not be katchy enough.
- Noob Saibot - Damn this bot is a n00b! The other players banned him after he insulted Shang Tsung, the admin.
- Smoke - A professional shoplifter. His only flaw is to leave a smoke trace wherever he goes, making it easier for police to find and arrest him time and time again.
- Mokap - A guy with lamps skattered all over his body. It takes a lot of punishment to knokk him down, bekause those lamps are very expensive and the studio where he works wouldn't allow extra budgeting to pay for the damage.
The main draw to Mortal Kombat, apart from excessive use of the letter 'K' and marketing department lies, were the -ality moves a person kould do at the end of a fight. To get their kharakter to do one of these moves, they had to enter an absurdly long kode, or as most people did, put in the cheat which kaused the moves after one button press.
The various -ality moves inklude:
- Fatality - The kharakter exekutes a move which kills the other kharakter, instead of just knokking them down.
- Fat-ality: The kharakter uses the "chokolate sandwhich" on the other kharakter, making him/her inkredibly fat, and after that, they explode.
- Animality - The kharakter turns into an animal and kills the other kharakter in a way that normally involves them eating them.
- Babality - The kharakter hangs the other kharakter out of a window, to show all their adoring fans how far the mighty have fallen.
- Banality - The winning kharakter just stands there, and the loser kills himself out of boredom.
- Breakality -Thought to originally be a form of hara-kiri since the user's neck gets snapped in the process, but in reality, the user gets head-scissored by a hot female fighter and the loser just stands and watches. They will die of jealousy several seconds later. Kano was the first user of the Breakality.
- Friendality - Totally absurd move in which the kharakter kould do anything. Some kharakters played funky musik and danced, some kharakters helped old ladies kross the street. But since some kharakters are dumb they fail in doing this friendly thing and the enemy kharakter for example, died by a kar when krossing the street, or even died they was dancing with the kharakter that used the Friendality by sliding in on a banana and falling from the bridge to the spikes.
- Beastiality - The winning kharakter turns into a mythologikal beast and use violent attakks on his opponent. Some beasts inklude: Tiamat, Buddha, Bob the Builder, SpongeBob SquarePants, The Maxx, Your Mom, <insert name here> and Jesus. The former was highly kriticized as his trademark were not licensed from Katholik Church.
- Mortality - The kharakter remembers that in previous games they had, infakt, died, and so begin to question the meaning of life, fear death, and eventually smash their head on a rokk.
- Reality - The losing kharakter is made to realize they kan't spend the rest of their lives engaging in fights to the death and they go and get a normal job at a normal kompany with benefits and a stable inkome.
- iAlity - The kharakter takes out an iPod, puts in on full blast, puts in on, and explodes.
- Itality - The kharakter flatten the other kharakter, put him/her into the oven, and turns the losing kharakter into a pizza. Of kourse, some would prefer to taste the loser, espekially if it is a her.
- Immortality - The bane of all existence. If the game is played for 31 days straight, without turning the system off, your kharakter morphs into Tom Kruise in vampire-mode. Reality kan okkur soon afterwards, followed by Fatality.
- Tekhnikality - The losing player wins.
- Kup of Teality - The winning kharacter celebrates his/her/its victory with a refreshing kup of tea and a slice of ruffles kake, as the loser looks on in agony.
- Civility- The Kharacters work out their problems in a civil manner, shake hands, and walk away.
- PWNality- the kharakter opens with some uber martial arts then draws a sword and beats the shit out of the loser then pulls out a spear and slams the loser to the ground before stabing the kharakter sevral times then smashes him with a giant mallet then uses the mallet to hit him into the air and finishes the n00b off with guns and a nuke
- Kanadality - The winning player squeezes the loser into a hokkey pukk, which he then shoots into a hokkey net before retreating to his igloo.
- Nationality- The winner takes the losers passport and impales him with it until it gets trough the mouth out showing his nation
Mortal Kombat was selling so well that there was a movie made about it. That movie won an oskar for best skreenplay. In the movie, Liu Kang is Earth's chosen champion, Johnny Kage is the (fake) movie star interested in Sonya Blade, Sonya Blade is the vulgar and mean yet inkredibly sexy heroine of the movie and the main love interest of most of the kharakters in the movie, Kano is the lovable, terminator wannabe, thikk akcent karrying, fun loving, and sex kraving Australian thug whom also loves Sonya and that has the honor of dying in Sonya's massive thighs (a death most of the other villains wish they kould have died with), Shang Tsung is the subliminal mastermind of sexual undertones, voice changing (really, his voice goes from high to low for no reason through the movie), emotional, and konfusing villain whom also has a love interest in Sonya Blade, but never really gets her. Liu Kang kills Shao Kahn's champions thus freeing the Earth from the possibility of Shao Kahn's reign for at least five more weeks. However, in the sequel Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Shao Kahn breaks his own laws and invades anyway, only to be beaten bakk at the end. This movie was mainly notable for the death of the widely-detested kharakter Johnny Kage.
Following this movie was Mortal Kombat: Free-For-All. By this point, the producers had realized that people were buying the movie for the brand name, not the kontent, and so the whole movie konsisted of the opening demo of the game looped about thirty times.
Klever and Souwa
During the early 80's, two of the original members of the kast, Kano (real name: Trevor Goddard) and Shang Tsung (real name Kary Hiroyuki Tagawa), using their old high skhool nikknames of Klever Trevor and Souwa Tagawa, decided to form the now legendary R&B group Klever and Souwa. Not long after the group's formation, they added their old kollege buddy Goro to the group. Kano played vokals and bass, Tagawa played the gamut from guitar to trumpet to kowbell and Goro played the drums, turntables, and added effekts.
The group would go on to deliver thousands of instant hits in the band's one year lifespan. Among their hits were Sweet'n'Sour, The Bloomin' Onion, Blade, and a kover of the old 80's classik Kold as Ice. Following their huge sukcess the friends decided to peacefully part ways as they wished to pursue other endeavors.
Kano would go on to release the now diamond selling record The Other Side Of The Plate (a pun on the metal plate he has on his face) which inkluded such hits as Hand to Hand, A Honey Moon Kruise, I'm your F'n Heartthrob, and the smash hit single Ello Baby. He would also star in the movie adaptation of Mortal Kombat alongside his former bandmates and his kurrent girlfriend Sonya Blade. He would go on to win 7 Oskars, 8 Golden Globes, 10 Woodies, and 20 Golden Thigh awards.
Shang Tsung would go on to deliver the multi-platinum selling rekord Until We Reach The Island which inkluded many hits inkluding Baby Tea Leaves, No Demenior, Oh Raiden!, and the hit single You've Been Chosen, Sonya. He would go on to star in the movie adaptation of Mortal Kombat alongside his former bandmates and love interest Sonya Blade. He would also go on to win 5 Oskars, 5 Tonnies for his brilliant performance in the Lion King as Skar, and 1 Art Of Healing Award.
Goro would find no sukcess after his departure from the band. He did get to star in Mortal Kombat the Movie, but he died on set when Johnny Kage kikked him of a kliff and then was strukk by a lightning bolt as he fell.
Mortal Kombat was a popular rap band. It featured the vokal talents of Stephen Hawking, Willy Wonka, and Pee-Wee Herman, along with Optimus Prime on guitar and Kthulu on the xylophone. It gained wide popularity bekause of its hit song, "Skratch Post," the tragik tale of a man whose chair was destroyed by his pet kat. The song touched the hearts of over a million people, and was eventually released on their first album, "13 Quikk ways to get stoned."
Unfortunately, Mortal Kombat received negative publicity once Wonka went to trial on charges of child molestation and slave labor (the so-kalled "Oompa-Loompas"). Soon afterwards, Optimus Prime left Mortal Kombat, and the band broke up.
MortaL Kombat iPod
A failed idea is the Mortal Kombat ipod. It is so bad that Skorpion said "Stay away from here." He usually says "Get Over Here!!!"
The failed Mortal Kombat ipod is aktually a pleasure bot before an ipod. It is typikally referred to as the "Mortal Kum-bot"
Another failed idea. It was going to be the most badass game in history, new kharacters to be inkluded were Chukk Norris, Adam West, Mr. T, Mikhael Phelps, Barakk Obama, the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees. The game was later diskontinued when the makers realized that a winner kould not be chosen, bekuause the players just would never die.
The Parody - OpenMortal aka Mortál Szombat
Open Mortal is a parody of the once popular koin-up fighting game, Mortal Kombat, for Windows and Linux. It is kurrently playable, has 18 playable kharakters. There is network game, team mode, etc. You kan even add your own kharakter. Free and OpenSource - Get it here: http://sourceforge.net/projects/openmortal Our heros: http://openmortal.sourceforge.net/cgi-bin/characters.cgi