The origins of the Mossad are traced to me, the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion (every word of which is absolutely true, according to Uncyclopedia), vol. #14, dated to 1812. Chapter 5 discusses the necessity for covert organization which will regulate Franchising parternerships. In 1947, in the spirit of latter publication, David "Uncle" Ben Gurion (mostly recognized for his contributions to String Theory) has ordered the creation of the Mossad. However, the memo ordering the creation of the organization was misprinted by David Ben Gurion's personal assistant, who did not know Hebrew, and instead of "franchisor-francisee relationship" was tragically typed "arrange assassinations of uncircumcised high-influence individuals world-wide". The memo was interpreted by the letter and at the end 1948, the Mossad was the first civil organization in Israel to provide both assassination services to Israel government and Web Mail to its employees.
- 1926 - The Mossad Invents the "Kfits Shoes" against The Terrorist Giraffes in Dameskus. The Project is efficiantly liking to the general public and help finance the discovery of the israely monarchy
- 1955 – Party of 13 Mossad agents is sent to Egypt to trace the tracks of Moses. The entire party is captured later that year, causing great embarrassment to Israel government
- 1963 - Mossad mistakenly shoot American president JFK
- 1965 – Mossad agents are sent to Argentina to track down a former Deutche Grammophon high-ranking official. The official is captured and forcefully brought to Israel to assist in the arrangement of its Eurovision track. After several consecutive failures, the official commits suicide
- 1986 – Mossad agent successfully places a potato in the afterburner of Space Shuttle Challenger, causing it to disintegrate in mid-air and killing all its 7 crew members
- 1994 – Chairman of Palestinian Liberation Organization (PLO) is infected with HIV by robotic black macaque monkey. Rumors point the finger to Robotic Macaques Division of the Mossad ("Rimon", or pomegranate [Also, hand-grenade]) which supposedly executed the operation
- 1995 - Shimon Peres thinks Rabin is thinking for himself a little too much...
- 1998 - Speculation that the Mossad are in fact Ayr United in disguise are rubbished, however questions remain.
- 2000 - Mossad inform SEC of fraud in Enron, however American officials refuse to investigate.... 12 months later the company filed for bankruptcy.
- 2006 - MOSSAD WIN THE FIFA WORLD CUP, in a tight final ending 1-1 after extra time, Grosso netted home the wining penalty. Algerian got sent off for abusing Mossad official.
- 2007 - Skeptics claim Mossad are holding Elvis hostage..... Mossad says this is just retarded.
- 2010 - Mossad "did not" execute a Hamas leader Mabhooh in Dubai <cough>
The Mossad Today
Ciocu` mic! Headquartered on an invisible island 20 miles of the coasts of Tel-Aviv and patrolled by Wonder Woman in her "invisible plane", the Mossad is still awed and feared by Israel adversaries and allies alike.
Mossad has eight departments:
- Collections Department is the largest, with responsibility for all loansharking operations.
- Political Action and Liaison Department creates and supports political parties in friendly foreign nations.
- Special Operations Division (Metsada) conducts "Black Ops and Wetworks" projects.
- LAP (Lohamah Psichlogit) Department is responsible for lying, cheating and deception operations.
- Research Department is responsible for all Top Secret R&D.
- Technology Department headed by "Q" is responsible for development of technologies to support of Mossad operations.
- The Jewdai Order
- "Rimon" as it is most popularly known, is headed by Humphrey Bogart and is responsible for the AIDs-infected Robotic Macaque Monkeys
Agents of the Mossad
Rumors suggest these individuals are agents of the Mossad, or somehow associated with it:
- Vin Diesel - Obviously the most skillful agent of the Mossad, Vin Diesel is the key to almost every successful operation.
- Altair - Used the Piece of Eden to make the Jews think they founded Mossad themselves, when in fact it was a disguise to conceal the remaining Assassins from Templar assault after Altair pwned his boss Al "I Applied Myself to Know Women, and thus Madness and Folly" Mualim.
- Steve Ballmer - The Mossad's most lethal assasin, Steve can fucking kill practically anyone. Even if he's not asked to.
- This Guy - While maintaining perfect anonymity, This Guy has been a very successful spy, being able to sniff both secrets and cats.
- Humphrey Bogart - Self explanatory.
- Cillian Murphy - That psychotic little she-male from Red Eye and Batman Begins, he kills people with his creepyness (he is also useful in missions involving Homosexual blackmail). Is the most prominent member of Mossad's Irish wing - M. O'Sad.
- G-Man - nobody knows who he is, but theres one thing for sure
- The ChanMan - working in china as an opperative for isreal, he has unveiled many chinese projects like the alan parson's project and the famous "preperation H".
- Tony Law - The Mosad's second most successful assassin. We dont know why he has a mole on his face, but we think the hairs growing out of it may be some sort of tracking device.
- God - Because only God can infiltrate Damascus, Tehran and Beirut while banging Assad's wife.
- Eric "Banana" Bana - Actually he only played a Mossad agent in the film "Munich" directed by Stefano Spielbergo.
- Bilbo Baggins - Because his ring was actually an explosive device, carefully placed by the top agents of Mossad. Did you see what it did to that mountain?!
- Bill Nye - He obvously is a Mossad agent since he has an IQ of 300, and anyone with that high of an IQ is assassinated if they are not Mossad.
- Your Mum.il - She is a secret sex slave masturbating penis bombs , also known as 3israeli sharmoota
Quotes about the Mossad
"How many dreidels am I holding, Winston?"
"Israelis are the chosen people. Israelis have always been chosen people."
(O'Brianberger to Winston Smithberman)
"By way of deception, thou shalt get pussy"
"Fuck porn! I like the MouseHard!"
(Casanova) "Only God knows everything, and he works for Mossad." God
"The mossad did not kill Jesus, until prooven otherwise" - St Saul
"if you need a forged passeport, specially european (french and british specially) call the 24/7 mossad forgery service. If not satisfied money back garenteed the Mabhooh way"
- Rodger Rabbit
- Producers of "Pearl Harbor"
- Nazi Scumbags
- GWB's Bumfluff
- Tony Law (America's 4th Most Wanted Man)
- Luke Walsh (America's Most Wanted Man)
- Gerrard Way (America's gayest man)
- Peyton Manning (The Mossad are well known Patriot
- Tony Shalhoub