Mr. Hankey

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Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo
Date of birth: 1932
Place of birth: South park
Nationality: Poo
Occupation Christmas Poo
Religion Jews for Jesus
Spouse Autumn
Children Simon, Cornwallis, and Amber
This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.

“Howwwwdy hooooooow!”

“Right now, you're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, mmmkay.”

~ Mr. Mackey on Kyle's belief in Mr. Hankey

The Early Years[edit]

Bartholomew Moses Hankey, best known as Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, officially the crappiest character in the history of mankind, was born January 6, 1932 in a sewer under South Park, Colorado. He is a second-generation Poo, having been born to fecal parents rather than coming out of someone's ass (it should be noted that is true of his original birth that during his pre-Christmas visits he is often reborn from asses of those with exceptional holiday spirit and a lot of fiber in their diets)1. Both of his parents came from asses of people whose names have never been made public. He is not known to be related to Winnie the Pooh.

Hankey was born and raised Jewish but converted to Christianity in his early twenties. He explained to his disappointed parents, "Well gosh, why should I wait around my whole life for the Messiah, when he's already here? Besides, Jesus smells an awful lot like flowers!" He notheless remained proud of his Jewish roots and maintained close contact with the Jewish community, becoming a kind of good will ambassador of religious tolerance. He went on to study theology with a concentration on interfaith dialogue.

Becoming the Christmas Poo[edit]

In the mid-1980s he met Chef who had recently moved to South Park. Chef convinced Mr. Hankey to apply his teachings to the celebration of Christmas. He soon began travelling around the world (especially South Park) spreading Christmas cheer in the weeks leading up to Christmas. He would sometimes leave presents on Christmas Eve for children whom Santa Claus passed over (non-Christians and really, really poor kids).

For many years Mr. Hankey was a distant second behind Santa as a symbol of Christmas in the modern world. However in December, 1998 when a religious war broke out in South Park it was Mr. Hankey who, with his trusted advisors Chef and Kyle Broflovski, was able to broker a peace deal that prevented World War III. The Treaty of South Park as the accord came to be known was signed on Christmas Eve. Since then Christmas has become a celebration not just of the birth of Jesus, but also a day to honor our latter-day savior Mr. Hankey.


Mr. Hankey hankered for love. And searched far a wide for it. He had the love of Jesus but he wanted so much more. Chef was too obessed with gettin' it on, to give Mr. Hankey they type of compassion that he needed. It was only Kyle who could fill his need for intimacy. Although very pleased by this, Kyle felt plagued, trapped by the insanity others told him he had. He was the only one who talked to the toliet when x-mas rolled around. To shower his point on others he trapped mr. hankey in a shoebox.

The Aftermath[edit]

In the years that followed there was a communist plot to take over Jesusland and all the hippies were scared, because they thought that "they" were going to take their weed. To prevent the chain of events that would bring about such a catastrophe, Mr. Hankey went to Palestine to stop the hanging of Saddam Hussein. However, he was too late. The Palestinians lanched a nuke-u-lar attack on The Holy Land, and the hippies in defence put up a radioactive mushroom forcefield. When faced with such a challenge the Palestineians dumped their vats of beer and slipped and sleded under the force field. Mr. Hankey then had a self-realization that all he was is a turd, so he jumped in to a beer that had been dumped. "IT IS MILLER TIME!...," he shouted, "pack me up in a carwash!" They keeled over and dyed the monkeys purple. "Can I get one of your happy cancer sticks?" asked one of the last surviving Palestinians trying to appeal to his hippie captor's sense of mercy. "None can be found on this planet of destruction," was the reply, "So if you meet me in the mall it's going down. Thats the way I was, I was down. Like James Brown. BITCH! The pig is now Elvis, dont you see your just like me. A pig is not like anybody but me."

And with that, the starving children of Ethiopia, took over Barbra Streisand's, food supply. Hillary Clinton decided to kill all of the Jews, and pokemon lived on. Bono got hard yo, he shot the rest of the Palestians with his AK-47, riding in a Lincoln Navigator, hes riding spinners, hes riding spinners, he dont stop - drinking the syrupd and hittin the blunt!

And Reverend Run saved the world with the starving Ethopians...and then Mr. Hankey and Rev. Run went to the strip club and got laid.

See Also[edit]