Mr. Judge

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Hold the phone! A rare shot of Mr. Judge not proclaiming someone GUILTY!

As always, it's been a lovely day today. Hell, I'd love to make it rain some days, just to mix it up somewhat! My good sorcerer self and my companion, Dr. Jacque, are off to save the world. Yes, again. Some evil guy's captured some far-off king's daughter, and is threatening to blow up the whole world if anyone tries to rescue her. Sheesh! My, it gets oh-so-very droll these days rescuing so many bloody damsels, especially now they won't put out due to that damn poison. Remind me to declare a war on rats at some point. It'll probably be the most important war at the time, what with all those other important nations being murdered to death and whatnot.

After a few minutes of careful idling around our town, which incidentally we never bothered to learn the name of, we encounter this old guy, reminiscent of that new Mr. Judge fellow I know we won't be seeing, walking across the street. I think nothing of it, but apparently Jacque does, going over to him and drawing his sword. Don't quite know how he carries it, it's bigger than he is, the midget! Anyways, as I helplessly watch, Jacque dispatches the old man with one swing, and naturally, we both take off. I try to reassure him that there'll be no consequences to his rash actions...


I declare that this rag-tag duo of heroes be hanged at dawn!


Rats? Rats? Rats! Everybody out!

Well, that sure was a lucky escape. Mr. Judge is such a senile old bastard, after everyone evacuated the court he forgot about the whole trial! Now Jacque and I can continue on our quest. So...yeah. Umm. Err...Narrator? What was the quest again? <whispers> Ah yes, that was it. For talons and tardiness, behold!

Well, Jacque and I have almost reached the dark woods of indiscriminate description that I shall not attempt to describe for fear of over description, when we notice a sign saying “No Tree Chopping” on the entrance to these undescribed woods (have I mentioned that I'm not describing them?). We can't chop down those trees? Damn environmentalists, taking all the fun out of life. Next thing you know, I won't be able to use whipped cream on my wife, uhh, my strawberries, because of danger to those bloody cows. Meh! Let's chop them down anyway, I'm sure there'll be no consequences to our rash actions...


This rat poisoned the entire population of Unspecifiedistan once. Now he's moved on to people that aren't his own size!


OH NO! You're not trying that trick on me again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, still shame on you! Pleading rats won't save you from the eternity of hell that is the two minutes you'll be staying in my court! Obviously I've underestimated the criminal potential of you two lumberjacks.

Uhh... we're not lumberjacks.

Silence! I'm trying to watch the telecast of the Olympic judging at the same time as this trial, so I want this done quickly. I hereby declare that the defence must pay one million pounds of pound coins to me, personally, or face the consequences. Now go, before they judge the extra-hot swimmers! You don't want my company, wrinkles, arse-breath - they're even worse than yours! Now go, before I make you stay with me!

Fifty hours later, Jacque and I had crossed the forest and had reached a pet sanctuary. There were teary-eyed dogs, cats which claws the size of Mozambique, and the odd dodo fossil, but we decided to purchase a rat. Why? Because we want to be able to poison the hell out of enemies. Nothing quite like seeing a great big troll suffer vehemently at the hands of little Petey here. In fact, we're just about to try that right now!


You see, we have piles of rescued damsels as big as that landfill, and not one of them put out! Damn warts!


I told you, that won't work!

But it was the rat, I swear, I...

SILENCE! Obviously you lumbering Jack and that French... thing seem to be dodging the message, you know, like I'm doing with the taxman and his unbreakable army You didn't just hear that. Besides, I've now found out that there are no rats at all around here, they're optical illluuusssionsss, and as such I have to make up for my earlier slip in harshness. As punishment, you shall pay all of my insanely huge expenses for the rest of time, starting with carrots! You can buy enough to feed my horses for a year now, and just keep topping up, yes, that's an excellent idea!. You can either give me the hundred thousand pounds now or at the monster carrot shop, your choice!

Well, after getting away from that randy judge (unspeakable acts occurred in that estate car) Jacque and I went to that big doom fortress of that evil guy. Very easy to defeat, too. Naturally, the gal, like in those action movies, just ran off screaming. And knowing my luck, those sexual harassment suits will be dropping through my letterbox all too soon...bad memories. I guess there's no reward for being hero of the universe for the eleventy billionth time. Well, off to write my memoirs. Twenty-eight's rather late to write those these days, but there's been too much heroism lately to cash in. But now, obesity and unemployment here I come!


I hereby declare this rowdy author be hanged at dawn for crimes against clichés!