Ten years ago, a crack commando unit of made-up trivia was sent to prison by a military court for a crime it didn't commit. These facts promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as half-baked Internet memes. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… the following true facts about Mr. T.
Of fool's and pity
Mr. T holds two U.S. patents, the latter meant to compensate for the obvious flaws of the former: fools (pronounced foo's) and pity. Scholars freqently note the layers of depth in the philosophy whereby fools are generally pitied by T for the very fate T himself has in store for them.
- Hitler found out that Mr.T pitied him and shot himself.
- Every time a church bell rings in the world, Mr. T pities a foo'.
- Additionally, every time Mr. T pities a foo, a female porn star regains her virginity, then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.
- Mr. T once pitied the Sun. An ice age followed.
- Mr. T's favourite band is, unsurprisingly, Foo Fighters.
- During his short stint as the manager of a beauty salon, T's catchphrase was "I Pretty The Foo'."
- Rather than live off food and drink, T absorbs the energies of crushed self-esteem from the fools he has pitied.
- As part of an experiment in metaphysics, T once pitied Chuck Norris at the exact moment Norris delivered one of his trademark roundhouse kicks to Mr. T. The result was the 1980's.
- John Candy is the only man that Mr. T truly respects and views as an equal.
- Mr. T's van runs on pity and gets 30 miles per fool. Thus, it never empties.
- Every time Mr. T crosses his arms, the terror alert in the United States raises to gold.
- Every time the terror alert reaches gold, the government hires Mr. T
- He is bare hard.
- Your mother was raped by Mr. T's platypus Phillipé, Thats how you were born. It's True Bitch.
- Uttering Mr. T's name can bring someone out of a coma. Here is the proof!
- Mr. T once bit off more than he could chew. He ate it anyway, foo'.
- As would be expected, he has on overabundance of T cells, and is therefore unlikely to contract AIDS.
- Mr. T invented the T-Virus as a way of advertising Snickers.
- Mr. T spawned the United States Civil Rights Movement by sitting in the front of a public bus, causing all passengers of every race, including the white driver, to move to the back.
- When Mr. T masturbates, a kitten is revived from the dead. He rarely needs to, however.
- T always comes before U. Don't forget that, foo. Heh, just joshing — but seriously. He's this close to pitying you.
- Mr. T once huffed kittens.
- Mr. T knows what the jazz is all about. However, upon hearing the jazz, he tells Bill Cosby to quit his jibba-jabba.
- Adolf Hitler never shot himself. Mr. T beat him to death with his gold chains.
- Mr. T once took an 11PM train. He refuses to give it back.
- Mr. T does, in fact, have a Night Elf Mohawk
- Mr. T and Chuck Norris once encountered each other on a lonesome British path. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created Scotland.
- Mr. T pities the stupidity of the english
- Mr. T got his ass kicked by 3pac and DGS then they cock slapped him