Music lesson

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“A mistake overturned; I'll call it a lesson learned”

Music lessons are a type of random, usually domestic, torture found in many nations worldwide. The name "music lesson" was chosen to deliberately mislead victims into thinking that they are taking a lesson on how to make music, and therefore voluntarily accept the torture. It is most commonly performed legally under the rule of a clueless school board that is also misled by the name into thinking that this is what they are endorsing. This type of torture is unique in that the deception used to lead victims into acceptance is also part of the torture. The foundation of music lesson techniques is to instruct the victim to make a non-musical sound which he is led to believe to be musical, then complain about the sound's lack of musicality. Since the victim believes that he is taking a lesson on how to make music, he tries to make the sound more musical. However, there is always something about the sound that is non-musical, so the torturer can still complain easily.

Rise of Music Lessons[edit]

Music lessons have been used for a very long time, dating back to the invention of the "natural horn". In fact, the natural horn was invented specifically for this purpose. While it does not require much physical exertion to make the natural horn sound musical, the horn is intentionally designed to make the playing method of the instrument difficult to grasp. Since then, many instruments, called "brass instruments", were designed with a similar playing method and for a similar purpose. One who can preform great mental gymnastics can cause the sound to be beautiful, and these players become known as "brass players". These players help recruit people into music lessons.

A Typical "Music Lesson"[edit]

In a typical music lesson, the torturer identifies himself as a "music teacher" or "music instructor" and refers to the victim as the "student". A typical torture session goes as follows:

  • "Instructor": Good morning. I want you to get out your horn. I want you to play a "lip slur", where you basically want to change your embouchure to change the notes. Imitate me.
  • Victim: (tries to imitate, but "pinches")
  • "Instructor": Don't pinch. Which sounds better: (plays a pinched sound) or (plays a freely blown sound)
  • Victim: The last one.
  • "Instructor": Okay. Now I want you not to mash your lips together so much.
  • Victim: (tries to imitate, but "blats")
  • "Instructor": You sound too blatty. Please try not to sound so blatty. Play it like real music.
  • Victim: (tries to imitate, but is "tight")
  • "Instructor": You're being tight. You don't have to be. RELAX.
  • Victim: (tries to relax and play, but "pinches" again)
  • ...

After several such sessions, the "instructor" acts "frustrated" with the "student"'s inability to play well, so that the "student" is tempted toward discouragement. Since the victim does not believe that the "instructor" is intentionally trying to torture her, she continues to take these "lessons".

Music lesson rating system[edit]

This system was invented by Mozart to judge potential pupils. Any pupil whose average lesson rated under 8.58 was deemed unworthy:

10: Listens to the teacher playing the new piece and plays it back better than the teacher without music 9: As above, but with the music 8: As above, but an old piece 7: not as good as the previous 3, but good progress 6: As 10, but halfway through the piece the pupil forgets what he is doing and improvises, and also plays loads of wrong notes. 5 As above but with the music 4: As above but with an old piece 3: Plays badly and has a temper tantrum because the teacher cannot play E flat minor scale 28 octaves on the piano (for obvious reasons) 2: Comes with the right instrument, but can't play it 1: Turns up with the wrong instrument 0: Doesn't turn up -1:Does turn up, but verbally abuses the teacher -2: Doesn't turn up, but leaves a rude note -3: {Mozart didn't bother considering the possibility of a homecidal pupil]

see also[edit]