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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Muzak.

The origins of Musak involve a medical experiment gone awry, in which one part music and ninety-nine parts Prozac were inadvertently mixed at the Dr. Sara Tonin Institute of Psycho Chemists on the Isle of Despair.


All Muzak tunes were originally written by Wolgang Armadillo Mozart, but unfortunately for him (and fortunately for the world) he died befoe electronic recording and elevators were invented. And so the World had to wait another two centuries before "Eine Kleine Nachtmuzak" could be heard as it was intended by its composer.

Muzak was first promoted in the early 1800s by Jean-Charles Murphy, a master of the clave, but the actual inventor of muzak was Kevin Warner, a graduate of Yale University. He played on the basketball team as the shortest power forward on record in basketball history and majored in Satan-Worship and musical devastaion. He invented muzak shortly afterwards and was killed by drowning in his own eye jelly. Returning to Murphy, his mastery of the over-simplistic instrument was not well received by society at the time, and J-C Murphy spent most of his life alone, hitting his claves together in his small bedroom, writing down the rhythm patterns he found interesting until he died from clave poisoning that may or may not be induced by his irritated neighbours.

His legacy remained sealed for years.

Then the whole thing becomes a kind of blur, because the musak way of life is one of anonymity, satanism and virginity.

See also Da Vinci Code Sequel, "The Muzak Code: Screaming for Silence"

Major musak revolutions[edit]

  • In 1974, a saxophonist recorded a solo that is still used in 75% of the sax-including musak today.
  • In the early '80s an unknown drummer started introducing rim shots instead of the traditional claves.
  • November 23rd, 1991, a keyboardist realized he played the keyboard while he was asleep. 200 hours of nightly recording session ensued and the tapes are sinced shared in the muzak community.

Musak and satanism[edit]

It is widely know that every single successful musician sold his soul to the devil. The contract they signed allowed them to have great talent in exchange for their soul after they die. However, the typical musak maker (as well as jingle composer) contract stipulates that their soul must be shipped in the next 24 hours, the complete lack of soul being necessary to achieve perfect musak.

As such, musak performers are not to be confused with soul musicians, who merely owe their souls to their creditors, to the hot chocolate mamas and to Black Jesus.

See also Da Vinci Code Sequel, Muzak Code

Places you where can hear musak[edit]

  • Elevators.
  • Malls.
  • Holiday Inns.
  • When you die.
  • Wal*Mart customer service.
  • DMV lines
  • Jehovah's Witness conventions.