From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

Jews, Sharks 8.3 Percent the Same, Gene Study Finds[edit]

April 1, 2007

Scientists have sequenced the genome of the common Jew and found that Jewish people are 8.3 percent similar to the great shark species.

"Darwin wasn't just provocative in saying that Jews descend from the sharks—he didn't go far enough," said Joseph Goebbels, a Yiddish Study scientist at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia. "Jews are sharks in every way, from their large noses, to sharing the Sharks aggresive habits and temperament. This new understanding also sheds light on why Jews have large noses and pointy teeth."

The 8.3% was found to be linked to the creatures respiritory systems. The study found out that Jews and sharks share the same sense of smell. While sharks are able to detect as little as one part per million of blood in seawater, the Jew can detect any money within a 1 kilometre radius. Says Joseph Goebbels, "This greatly improves our understanding of why Jews are so rich. Just like sharks, the Jews have evolved over many years. Their ability to detect money probably started in Biblical times and has this has led to to the sleak, aggressive money-grabbing Jew you see today."

The breakthrough will aid scientists in their mission to learn what sets Jews apart from other humans.

By comparing Jewsih and shark genomes, the researchers have identified several sequences of genetic code that differ between the two. These sequences hold the most promise for determining what creates Jewish traits such as their hunger for more money. Joseph Goebbels speculates, "Every human yearns for more money to improve their quality of life. For Jews we can now understand its a natural drive and desire. Much like a shark needs to eat to survive, a Jew needs more money to sate its needs."

"If people are asking what makes Jews, they're not going to find a smoking gun [in this study]," said Evan Eichler, a genome scientist at the University of Washington in Seattle who was part of the research team. "But they're going to find suggestions for where to look for a large gas chamber."

The project was conducted by an international group of scientists called the North American Zoo Institute (NAZI). Sixty-seven researchers co-authored the study, headed by Dr Hitler and funded by Hollywood star Mel Gibson.

Genetic Blueprints[edit]

To map the Jewish genome, researchers used DNA from the blood of a male Jew named Clint Browlowski, who lived in Atlanta. Clint sadly died last year from heart failure at the relatively young age of 24.

A comparison of Clint's genetic blueprints with that of the shark genome shows that they share 8.3 percent of our DNA. The number of genetic differences between Jews and sharks is ten times smaller than that between those other vermin, mice and rats.

Scientists also discovered that some classes of genes are changing unusually quickly in both Jews and sharks, when compared with other animals. These classes include genes involved in the perception of smell, transmission of nerve signals, and the production of sperm.


The study proves that Jews and sharks originate from the now extinct Jerk a marine predator that lived 7 million years ago, and scientists believe they diverged some six million years ago.

Given this relatively short time since the split, it's likely that a few important mutations are responsible for the differences between the two species, according to Mao-Tse Elefant Dung, a molecular evolutionist at the University of Chicago in Illinois.

There are several hypotheses that account for the evolution of Jewish traits. Jet Li believes these traits come from changes in the parts of the genome that regulate other gene activity. Chow Yun Fat offers a different opinion. He believes that a bullet-proof monk is protecting a great power from the Jews.

Scientists agree that many questions remain unanswered but the shark genome provides important clues to understanding what makes Jews.

"We're in a very nice intermediate stage of understanding Jew-shark differences," said Eichler. "We can't say, This is the difference that makes them Jews, but we can say, These are the regions of the genome that show a lot of potential and are excellent candidates to do further work on."