N00btanic

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

The n00btanic, currently the largest vessel to ever set sail, tragically sunk in the year 1912 when, according to the ship's log, "omg! we totlly just hit a fukn ice breeeeeeerg!!!!!!1111". It was crossing the North Atlantic, on a mission to vandalize Wikipedia's headquarters in America with graffiti. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic was not biggest ship to ever sink. It was in fact the n00btanic. Captain Spamzor456, the man in charge when the n00btanic along with her supply of CPU's went directly to that old shipyard in the sky, was who everyone blamed the most for the disaster, though several conspiracy theories have arisen regarding the destruction of the vessel.

Conspiracy[edit]

Allegedly, the n00btanic sunk after colliding with an ice-berg, rupturing its hull beyond repair and spewing its cargo of Diablo II hacked items and anime DVDs. Casualties escalated to over 1300 (after the n00bs found out about their destroyed merchandise, of course) but no bodies were ever recovered.

The Truth

Recently, new evidence has come to light to suggest that maybe the n00btanic’s sinking was not caused by a "fukn ice breeeeeerg!!!!11" after all. Several eye-witnesses, including "faggotzfaggotzfaggotzfucku" and "lolzhahahahha" claimed that there were strange lights in the sky prior to the collision. As to what the lights were remains unknown but the crew (who were breifly distracted from World of Warcraft) reported strange people clad in white armor boarding the ship. The visitors were armed with blaster rifles and the crew did nothing because these beings were the closest things that they had to friends. The visitors remained calm until a strange frequency occurred. Eyewitness, "lifesuxIMO" (still alive amazingly at the age of 102. Definite proof that the aliens experimented on people because of her face that many claim ‘looks like what their dogs threw up’) claims that suddenly a massive fleet of UFOs appeared and began abducting passengers. "it wuz totly freaky, i was like OMG!"

The Reaction[edit]

You all know what happens to n00bs when you take their stuff. Its not pretty. Anyway, as soon as the n00bs found out that their precious hacked items were now at the bottom of the ocean, they decided to go home and start crying until their mothers went and complained to the feds. Nobody actually cared about the n00bs so they all started a massive online protest. Games such as Diablo II, World of Warcraft and Everquest were virtually unplayable due to the massive amounts of n00bs PKing all the actual players. Eventually, the government gave in to the n00bs' demands by cryogenically freezing all of them. Why do you think that n00bs were absent from our lives from 1920-1980? Good times, good times.

The builders of the n00btanic, the Shite Star Line Company, a famous group of smugglers who smuggled broken PC parts from Russia to America, were also devastated. Bruce IsMarch, the managing director claimed in an interview that they were really sorry to all n00bs who were forced to leave their rooms. The ship itself, was made of nothing more than paper clips and chewing gum so nobody really cared about it at all.

Today[edit]

The remains of the n00btanic has been devoured by Grues. Shortly after the sinking, a group of he little munchkins, mucnhed their way to the bottom of the Atlantic and ate clean through the paper clips. Alarmed by the danger that the Grues posed, Bruce IsMarch did nothing. Instead he tried to blame his cousin, Bruce Ismay for the sinking and tried to claim the insurance money on the Titanic. In his way stood nothing more than a withered old man (excluding the state attorneys) and a bag of money. IsMarch lost the case and was sentenced to five years in state prison. IsMarch died of eating too much sploosh. He was also consumed by Grues.

See also[edit]