From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Nail)
Jump to: navigation, search
A nail, as shown in the official user guide.
Nails in their proper storage place

An accessory produced by the Human Chattel division of Microsoft, Nails are used to perform a functional upgrade on a Human 3.1, allowing it to utilize the stigmata protocol first introduced with the release of the current version of human, Human XP.

The product, however, will not perform a full upgrade. Whereas XP version humans can have their stigmata port switched on permanently by any deity with an administrator password, the stigmata port on a version 3.1 human will automatically turn itself off — a process called "clotting." This means that the nail must be periodically reapplied for the upgrade to remain.

The following are excerpts from the official product description in the Human XP user manual:

Dear God, Goddess, or emanation thereof:

Congratulations on your purchase of a Human XP-based worshipper
from Microsoft (bringing you quality supplicants ever since the
release of Human-DOS). We've been busy developing a host of new 
features which make this release of the Human Operating System
the best ever! Some of our new features include:


Description: Stigmata is a new protocol which allows the automated
             movement, release and transfer of blood™ packets.
     How-to: To run this miracle, simply go to the 
             Bodily Manifestations control panel, select the correct
             worshipper, and turn on the Stigmata Port (187).
                Or  run the command: miracle $hostname port 187 on
       Uses: 1) user-friendly manifestation of holy presence,
             2) easy blood drainage, or 3) making marionettes.
     Status: By default this port is off, as it my be the point of
             entry for a virus attack.


While previous versions of human cannot manifest stigmata by default,
a patch can be applied which allows temporary compatibility. Through
use of a nail, the human's stigmata ports can be opened manually.
Each nail comes with a 6-month service contract, but after that it
should be discarded if it shows signs of rust. Using a rusty nail may
invalidate the warrantee on your human.

To apply patch:
 1) Locate the desired port on the human (commonly used ports are
    on the feet, hands, or wrists -- see Chapter 5: Anatomy in the
    user manual).
 2) Place the nail on the port with the male end facing the port.
 3) Forcefully insert nail into the port, then remove it.
 (Note: Human may emit a warning/alert sound. This is normal.)