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“AHH Hate Iceland!”

~ Local man on Eyjafjallajökull
aka Nrrrrrrrn
Actual picture of Nairn from the air.
anthem Nrrrrrn Anthem
currency Pig
area Highlands
state Nairnshire
religions Swintonism
idol Tilda Swinton

Nairn (ˈnɛərn/ Gaelic: Inbhir Narann/ Nairneese: nrrrrrrrrrrn) is the fastest toon in Scotland and a former burgh in the Highland council area. It is an ancient fishing port and market toon. Nairn is one of the most religious toons in Scotland boasting more that 15 religious meeting grounds.

The toon is now best known as a seaside resort, with two golf courses, a small theatre, one small museum, more than enough churches and too many genetically modified seagulls.

Disclaimer: Nairn is in no way affiliated with the "chef" Nick "The Knockoff" Nairn.


Around 16 miles (26 km) east of Inverness 20 mins as the gull flies), 571 miles (918Km) from London,England (A hoor a long way as the gull flies).

As Nairn is so close to Inverness it is often considered another part of Inverness by councils and is covered by the same heartless money grabbers most notable is Danny Alexander. It is for this reason Nairn is often known as Nairn by Inverness to outsiders and stupid folk.

The A96 runs directly though Nairn much to the joy of the locals who will often use this as a point of argument when asked to pay extra for postage because Nairn is within the highlands and therefore the terrain is far to inhospitable and every parcel must be flown in by helicopter.


King James VI of Scotland, when he travelled to London,England looking for wool and wild women upon becoming King of England, boasted that in his kingdom he had a toon whose only street was so long that the people living at one end could not understand the language of those at the other. He was speaking of Nairn, formerly split into Scottish Gaelic-(Fishertown massive) and Scots-speaking communities (Posh chunts). A town of two halves in other ways, the narrow-streeted fishertown surrounds a harbour built by Thomas Telford while Victorian villas stand in the 'West End'.

“I have a town whose only street is so long that the people living at one end can not understand the language of those at the other so how about that. ”

~ King James VI on Nairn


During the Wars of the Three Kingdoms, the battle of Auldearn was fought near the town, between Royalists and Covenanters, the Aldernites never stop going on about it. They planned a revolution unless this was put in here. It is believed that the Duke of Cumberland stayed in Nairn in the flats above Ashers the night before the battle of Culloden but after getting "Awfa hammered" he called in sick.


Nairn's first 1860s elegant West End hotel.

It was not until the 1860s that Nairn became a respectable and popular holiday town. Dr. John Grigor (a statue of whom is located at Viewfield banging a hooker) wasgifted a house in this coastal town and spent his retirement there as is now a local highland custom. He valued its warm climate and advised his wealthy clients to holiday there. Following the opening of the Nairn railway station in 1855, new houses and hotels were built in the elegant West End. The station is on the Aberdeen to Inverness Line. Originally this was the last stop on the line from London due to the inhospitable terrain on what is now the main Dava branch line to Inverness.


Since layed in 1970 the A96 from Inverness to Aberdeen passing through Nairn town itself has been a constant source of local frustration first starting in 1971 when Angus McAngusson a local of the Inverness area wanted a quicker way to get his cows to Elgin without having to get though the rush hour traffic. Everyone else agreed that a by-pass was in order but nobody could really be bothered making one. From this day until today nobody could be arsed doing it so nobody has but every house in Nairn pays homage to Angus thinking it sounds like a grand idea and so the locals place a sticker in the window of there homes so everyone knows they like the sound of a by-pass as long as somebody else will make it. Other than that no a lot happened.

21st Century[edit]

Nairn has become the R.S.P.B.'s largest breeding colony of Seagulls, visitors and locals alike can often be found training adult birds in divebombing and shit targeting, visiting foreigners(weegies staying at local caravan park) are often amazed at the dexterity of the Seagulls in their ability to snatch a whole "bag'o'chips oot their hunds".

A Recent upgrade of the High St has managed to make what was a shithole into an even more unattractive shite hole with the addition of what the locals refer to as "that wee bump on the road".

In 2012 the first real superstore was built just close enough to Nairn that the locals turned up in droves to see it being opened. The legendary Nairn Sainsbury's which sells more than one kind of vodka has become the larges talking point in Nairn for years to come.

“I don't need *hkup* to go all the way to the cally *hiikp* to get pissed”

~ Local man - Gerald Murry on The opening of Sainsbury's


The town hosts the Nairn International Jazz Festival each August, usually attracting some well-known and world class musicians, lots of snobs and countless amounts of NEDs who were on there way to shoot seagulls. Also this year Oscar-winning actress Tilda Swinton Nairn's national mascot, who lives in Nairn and is the only famous person to have ever done so, created a film festival entitled "Ballerina Ballroom Cinema of Dreams" which was a great ego rub for her. Created out of an old bingo hall in the town it generated worldwide press about the festival and Nairn. Nairn is also the host for the annual Nairn Book & Arts festival which takes place every year in June where awards are presented by the dolphin overlord king eeeeek.

Nairn stages one of the biggest Highland games in the North. The first event was held in 1867 by Jock and Ally trying to decide who would have the porridge that week, and it is now one of the few where entry remains free. The games were a major event in the local social calendar until the people stopped being amused by logs flying through the air.


Old people, lots of them.



Nairn is known as a world class golfing destination by at least three people, with two 18 hole Championship swimwear models on the course. One of these, The Nairn Golf Club is one of the greatest traditional links courses in the world and was established in 1887 by Frank Sinatra. Its designers include Archie Simpson, Old Tom Morris and James Braid. It has hosted many tournaments culminating in the 1999 Walker Cup and is visited by golfers from all over the world (even as far as Manchester). Local man Hugh Cunningham has shown in the extreme hazards on the Dunbar course in this YouTube clip.



The local football team is Nairn County F.C., who play in the Highland Football League with one other team. They recently picked up their first trophy in 31 years when they won the North of Scotland Cup 3-1 against rivals Forres Mechanics F.C. at Grant Street Park, Inverness after every other member of the mechanics died. The town has another football team, Nairn St Ninian, who are a junior outfit currently in training to save a goal, or score one, or dribble, or do more than fall over the ball.

Sneak peek at the Nairn Junior team training.


Gossiping is the most common sport in this small village and almost all residents have taken part in this all year long sporting even since berth.

Developed as a home defence plan during world war II the sport has no rules but the ultimate aim of confusing outsiders, one of the most common tactics is the "Who's the father?" formation of lies.

Who's the Father?[edit]

During the "Who's the father" section of this game a woman is impregnated and every person that sees the woman must then try to deduce the identity of the father of the child. This game's practical use during world war two was to prevent the Jerries knowing which children were bread for war by army officials.

As an added difficulty the father is often left unaware if he is the father or not.


Nairn has a vastly abundant faiths for such a small town, resided over by many "Holy leaders" over the years the names and patrons of the holy churches of Nairn have gone through many incarnations and yet on nearly every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday Friday, Saturday and Sunday (the holy days of drinking) the people of Nairn visit there local church sometimes just referred to as "The local" to partake of holy beverages and chant.

The Holy Cally Bar Nairn[edit]

The Holy Cally Bar Nairn

Boasting the only Holy meeting place in Nairn where it's patrons are able to take part in ceremonial danceing on a designated "dance floor" The Holy Cally Bar Nairn has in recent years held most appeal for the younger generation of Nairnites.

Followers of The Star Hotel and Bar[edit]

The most renowned Leader of The Followers of The Star Hotel and Bar Reverend Colin Barron (more commonly known by his flock as Rev. Roach has single handedly though many years of devoted drinking of communal ale paid for The Star Hotel and Bar to keep it's doors open and continue it's good work among the community.

People not born in Nairn but we wish were[edit]

  • Oscar Wilde but he did visit once.. ok he passed though but he nearly stayed.

See also[edit]