Naomi Watts

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~ Ron Simmons on Naomi Watts.

“Yeah i guess shes pretty hot.”

~ Captain Understatement on Naomi Watts.

“I would so tap that.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Naomi Watts.

“I so already did tap that.”

~ Nicole Kidman on Naomi Watts.
Naomi Watts posing for police mugshot.

Naomi Ellen Watts is a full time Australian actress and nymphomaniac. She has led a varied and acclaimed career dedicated to breaking down sexual boundaries within film, while causing men the world over to furiously masturbate.


Naomi was actually born in England the child of Dr Mega Watts (inventor of the light bulb and of amplification) and her mother Myfanny Hertz, but was deported at age 4 after her mother, an advocate of freaky sex, was prosecuted for an incident involving an elderly transvestite and a penis shaped shampoo and conditioner bottle. Her attitude to sexual liberation would stay with Naomi. As a child in Australia she became friends with Nicole Kidman, their friendship would later blossom into a full on lesbian relationship (see below). As a teenager she enrolled in acting classes as she discovered they were a great way to pick up men and women for wild orgies, however in her haste to be protected from STD's she neglected to protect herself from the acting bug.


One of Naomi's earliest attempts at breaking sexual attitudes came when making Tank Girl, inspired by the popular internet meme tub girl, it told the harrowing story of a young girl and her attempts to bring scat love to a mainstream audience. This trend would continue with Naomi striving to represent sexual minorities in the mainstream, however it wasn't until 2001's Mulholland Drive, against the wishes of the normally reserved David Lynch, that she brought 'smoking hot lesbianism' to cinema audiences worldwide. Convincing Lynch that this what what the movie needed, she got naked and filmed sex scenes with her female co star to the delight of men everywhere. Scenes of her masturbating in the movie were originally candid footage of Naomi on set, but after watching it back she again convinced Lynch to use it on screen.

Naomi relaxing at home.

Using her new found fame, Naomi set about challenging audiences at every opportunity by breaking more and more sexual taboos on film, her next major movie The Ring would force audiences to question their preconceptions about the love shared between her character and the evil spirit of a young girl, a subtext missed by many due to studio re cutting designed to change the film from a heartfelt love story into a simple horror film.

Incensed by this, she went on a month long sex session with close friend and lover Nicole Kidman, after resurfacing feeling revitalized, she set about returning to her mission. It would be her next film titled 21 Grams which would allow her to pose metaphysical questions such as what is the human soul? how much does it weigh? and should necrophilia really be considered a crime? Of course this gave Naomi another excellent chance to get her boobs out on screen, most prominently in one thought provoking scene where she ponders life, death and love, while slowly soaping up and massaging her nipples. This scene has been illegally downloaded approximately 219,000,000 times.

Now on a roll, Naomi would go on to terrify her audience's conventional thinking with her most challenging roles yet. I Heart Huckabees dealt with the prospect of existential love, while King Kong, her first major blockbuster role would deal with the love between woman and giant gorilla. What was deemed too shocking by critics would turn out to be hugely successful with audiences worldwide 'mostly Japan'. Today Naomi is heralded as a great taboo breaker in society and worthy successor to the previous messiah Bill Hicks by all and really fucking hot by horny men.

Her next role, tentatively titled The Birds, will push the bestiality envelope even further. Also she may get her tits out again.


Personal life[edit]

In her private time Naomi remains as committed as ever to changing the way people view sex. And she is often to be found walking around her hometown completely naked, asking random strangers to sleep with her. Not surprisingly the usual response is 'holy shit yes!!!'. She has also been known to have sex in various public places such as playgrounds and mosques in an attempt to open up peoples minds to the possibilities of liberation, even going as far as to give a blowjob to David Lynch during a Cannes Film Festival acceptance speech as a commentary on the plight of Lynch's penis. For this act she was given the special jury prize for uber hotness. It has been said that there was once a man who turned Naomi down, this man was sent to hell to toil for eternity as he was clearly too stupid to be let roam around the earth. It is also said that whenever Naomi has an orgasm, somewhere in the world a fairy gets their wings.

Relationship with Nicole Kidman[edit]

Naomi has also had a highly publicized love affair with close friend Nicole Kidman. The two met when they were children and struck up a friendship. During puberty Naomi suggested they carried out 'sexy experiments' together and thus a fairy got their wings. During these experiments she learned many depraved sexual acts which she is still hoping to include in film venture entitled 'Naomi Watts does freaky sex acts for 90 minutes: It's for your own good people, when will you wake up'. Their relationship has carried on for many years and when Kidman broke up with Tom Cruise Naomi consoled her by giving her the best oral sex she had ever had. Reportedly the power of Naomi's tongue left her quivering and unable to stand up for several days. These days the two can usually be seen making out and groping each other in an attempt to change societies closed-minded ways of thinking.

She has also dated a certain giant monkey. Their few dates included group sex with mutants on an island, ice skating and watching sunsets, but they decided to call it a day after she made a comment about his weight. King Kong, the documentry on their love affair, portrayed them as Beauty and the Beast, but in actual fact the real beast was Jack Black, who tried to sue when the spider ate his collectable antique 1930's camera on the island.

Hands up who wants to help Naomi get undressed.


  • Naomi is so hot Jessica Alba once looked at her and broke down in tears, realizing she would never be able to compete.
  • Naomi favorite sexual positions are the bucking bronco, the dirty vicar and being on her knees taking a load of spunk in her beautiful, angelic face.
  • If the photos on this page do not cause you to want to masturbate uncontrollably, then there is something wrong with you, begone freak!
  • Naomi's body was sculpted by God himself during a weekend retreat in Switzerland.
  • Naomi was recentley elevated from mere mortal to goddess after Jesus saw that scene where she fingers herself in Mulholland Drive.

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]