National Try To Assassinate The President Day

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You can only assassinate me with a Cross

National Try To Assassinate The President Day is a holiday celebrated in The United States. It used to fall on May 22, but for some unexplained reason, it was moved to the 15th of April, coincidentally, the same day you pay your taxes!


In 1864, United States President Abraham Lincoln was re-elected President, just barely defeating General George B. McClellan. One of his first acts after the election was to free all the blacks. This, as one would expect, was a very unpopular decision. It was so unpopular that the Vice President, Hannibal Hamlin, fought him to the death in an attempt to change the national anthem to "Dixie". Lincoln won when he trapped Hamlin in an iron maiden. The Vice President's cryptic last words were "You live today, but on April 22, you will die... oh, yes; there will be blood..."

Hamlin's prediction came true when on April 22, 1865, John Wilkes Booth, a deranged stage actor, assassinated Lincoln while he was watching a play, apparently over his emancipation of slaves, his prejudice towards actors in general, and also because he really, really hated the national anthem. Americans were so overjoyed at Lincoln's death that they made April 22 "National Try To Assassinate The President Day" in honor of the event. Though it was moved to the 15th, it remains popular to this day--even to the President himself--due to Jack Bauer's amazing skill in stopping any attempts. Bauer considers "National Try To Assassinate The President Day" a field day.


Famous NTTATPD Assassination Attempts[edit]

  • In 1886, the infamous Home Row gang tried to assassinate the Escape Key during its Inagural Address; the attempt failed, however, when the Any key could not be found.
  • In 2006, Garfield assassinated himself when he temporarily believed his comic strip to be repetitive and un-funny. Unfortunately, The Supreme Court ruled that suicide doesn't count, leading to thousands of reversals of bet winners.
  • Because most televisions commercially available in the 1960's were black and white, members of the Ku Klux Klan staged an elaborate lynching of Kermit the Frog. Upon finding out that he was actually green, they killed him anyway, citing "religious differences".
  • In 1947, King Kong was killed by animal rights activists who thought that he was actually a man wearing monkey skin all the time.
  • Both of Grover Cleveland's presidencies were ended by successful assassinations.
  • Everyone who was president before 1910 was assassinated by natural causes.
  • Various attempts were made to assassinate Calvin Coolidge, none of which succeeded due to his immortality. However, National Try To Assassinate The President Day was on the rebound.
  • In 1924, Chico Marx had the misfortune of being the president hi on April 22, leading to the fully acknowledged return of National Try To Assassinate The President Day. He was simultaneously assassinated by over six million people.
  • During World Wars III-VII and the Great Repression, FDR was able to survive thirty-six elections before being done in on his thirty-seventh term of office.
  • In 1900, Oscar Wilde was pushed off the Eiffel Tower. His last words were made up. He retained the presidency, however, due to him being his own vice president.
  • Bob Dole was assassinated in 1995. Even though he never became the president, Nostradamus decreed that he would become president in 1996, and so his death counts as a presidential assassination.
  • In 1999, Hillary Clinton kicked the shit out of Bill Clinton. He survived, but is now widely regarded as "that president that got his ass whooped by a girl".
  • In the aftermath of the 2000 US presidential election, Chad from Florida was assassinated after a group of space aliens, upon asking "take me to your leader", could not find anyone in all of Florida who had any idea who actually won the election.
  • In 2002 Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade leader Steve Nash attempted to assassinate George W. Bush at Nash's ceremony to become the NBA International Delegate for Peace and Justice.
  • In 2004, Commander in Thief Shrub Jones (no relation to Tom Jones but father of Mike Jones) stood on the deck of his favourite toy aircraft carrier while wearing an ACME patented manhood enhancer, and declared that he had won his latest game of GI Joe versus Sadam Insane Wonder Bra. This was immortalized by the phrase, "I fucking killed him! (Sadam Insane) and if you want me to fucking kill you then fucking bring it on!." This phrase was deemed to be so retarded that it was investigated by the The US Secret Service as an attempt to assassinate the intelligence of the presidency. The Supreme Court ruled later that year that assassinating the intelligence of the presidency is technically not illegal as established by Reagan vs US in 1984. Still, this attempt makes Der Shrubenator (aka Turd Blossom's love toy) the first sitting President to try to assassinate himself.
  • In 2005, Yau-Man, using a cunning method of birch rods and arrow heads, assassinated the President of Thailand.
  • In 2006, Dick Cheney, training for NTTATPD, had Bush in his sights. Sadly, his sights were crooked and he missed, but happily he shot a lawyer instead.
  • In 2011, Barack Obama, will be hiding for the WHOLE year, because the assassination attempts will be so incredibly elivated in numbers. People will hate him.
  • In 2371.6, George Bush XVI, will rule the earth. No one will try to kill him cause he will be the most awesome cyborg person on the planet.



Any and all threats made against the President of the United States (AKA BARACKINATOR) or in any way relating to the President, his family, his staff, his wife, the family of his staff or even that guy he knew back in college will be considered a clear and present danger by Tom Clancy and the Secret Svc. The (US)SS seriously pursues all such alleged threats, although the organization does not perform any illegal wire-tapping, shadowing, or intimidation - God Forbid. By the way, your water bill is 8% higher this month, probably because the toilet tank leaks into the bowl.

Addendum: Since the Secret Service has no humor of which they are aware - that was not a joke, and by law they must investigate every threat against the President, even when they'd rather go home and smoke a fatty ((cuz Shrub is a dick), they have employed the services of certain highly qualified individuals like Wall-mart accountants and Plant Barn employees, who are experts at finding the real criminals, or shoplifters or renegade fire ants. Notably, their first hiree is OJ Simpson, who the SS has sent out on various 'fact finding missions' to investigate would-be assassins or would-be ants. Usually this involves telling OJ something like, "Go to 1234 Elm St, and talk to Barney Miller, (male, aged 16, race: pasty white) about his threat on the President, and oh yeah, he's fucking your wife, don't forget your knife".

Regardless of the importance of this Secret Service posting, Barack Obama's assassination is a failure. Joe Shit the Rag Man had no idea what he was doing so there's no need to worry. He's just a stupid filler for a stupid position in a stupid Cabinet. Bush is safe. We repeat, Bush is safe...oh God no! It's a pretzel! Fire your weapons!


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