National University of Singapore

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National University of Singapore
Logo of the National University of Singapore
Motto Chicks dig us because we're cute
Established 1905
Type Public
Chancellor President S R Nathan
President Professor Shih Choon Foong
Deputy President & Provost Professor Tan Chor Kwang
Location Singapore, Kent Ridge
Students 32,544 total (23,469 Undergraduates, 9,075 Graduates)
Faculty and Staff 6,471 total (1,820 Faculty, 1,218 Research, 964 Administrative and Professional, 2,469 General)
Address 10 Kent Ridge Crescent
Homepage http://www.nus.edu.sg

Tamia wanted to go there, but she didn't want to risk execution for drug possession”


The National University of Singapore, abbreviated NUS and sometimes affectionately known as the Affiliated National University of Singapore (ANUS) is known for bragging about its reputation in securing deals with top-notch universities worldwide. It mentions itself as being one of the top ten 20 40 universities in the world on the basis of affiliating itself (hence the name ANUS) with universities that have produced most of the world's Nobel laureates. It sustains an impressively high rate of publication with a non-existent citation rate. It tries to change the image of its students as being poor in grammar and spelling, but clearly, fails miserably in many respects.

The university attempts to globalize itself by latching onto the reputation of other well known universities like MIT. In such partnerships, NUS pays a lot of money to the institutions it partners (whores itself to). The partner institution benefits from an addition of funds, as well as a chance for its researchers to take a fully paid summer vacation on a tropical island (collaboration).

History[edit]

Like Vishnu, a god in Hindu mythology, NUS has undergone many incarnations. The university traces its origins to the founding of The Straits Settlements and Federated Malay States Government Medical School. Its name was changed to King Edward VII Medical School in 1912 and to King Edward VII College of Medicine in 1921. Raffles College was merged with King Edward VII College of Medicine to form the University of Malaya. It was later renamed University of Singapore in 1962. The present institution was named in 1980.

Speculation is rife that it will change its name yet again to ANUS (Affilated National University of Singapore) after revamping its syllabus to incorporate both the worst practices of the American and British style of education. Other rumours claim that it will be renamed the Satellite University of China, Kazakstan, India and Taiwan (SUCKIT), in homage to the large number of foreigners studying in its campuses.

People[edit]

NUS is the largest university in Singapore in terms of student enrolment. As of Academic Year 2007/8, the total student population stands at 32,544, of which 23,469 are undergraduate students and 9,075 graduate students.

Students enrolled in NUS come from diverse backgrounds, with most of its 8,600 international students coming from China, India and rejected groups from Malaysia. A lot of these people would rather study in countries such as the United States if given a chance. However, due to these countries discriminating on the basis of talent, they have been turned away. NUS does not practise such discrimination to foreigners; It does so only to the locals, due to Singapore's Foreign Trash (FT) policy. Instead, it welcomes these lost souls to study at this esteemed institution and rewards them with a hefty allowance. It also serves as a half-way house for them to try and break into the US again. It is also suspected that these foreign students are brought in primarily for the evangelist groups to "harvest" the stupididity they so desire. The local students are powerless to reply due to their poor ability to read and write, or indeed, bitch coherently.

NUS students are ranked No. 2 among Singapore's Best Dressed Students by a local Po ("Eh oh!"). They rank behind SMU students because they do not wear revealing clothes like lederhosen, but are better dressed than NTU students (who look like they crawled out of the primordial soup). NUS male students have a high incidence of "Stealing NS Boy's Girlfriends", which results in a vicious cycle where future NS boys become NUS students and steal other NS boys' girlfriends, which results...

Staff[edit]

NUS employed 6,471 staff members as of 2008, of which 1,820 are faculty members, 1,218 are research staff, 964 administrative and professional staff and the remaining 2,469 general staff. Most of the faculty are from the People's Republic of China and India. It is interesting to note that most teaching staffs from India and China are often mistaken for cleaners or dish-washers, due to their poor dress sense and unprofessional look. This often leads to a situation of misunderstanding when students greet toilets cleaners. On the other hand, local NUS professors would then request another foreign prof, mistaken as a cleaner to clean their room.

Lectures are conducted in a language that is described as incomprehensible at worst and sleep-inducing at best. Evidence of many Chinese students sleeping is circulated among the locals. In-fact NASA is contemplating a research on the new language that the lecturers on NUS have developed, which however is still very incomprehensible. Just like SUN microsystems comes from Stanford UNiversity, NUS plans to copy them as usual and come up with NUS microsystems.

While setting targets for its administrative staff to be among the best in the world, it has emerged that NUS is paying its staff to the benchmark of bottom 25% of Singapore. Its promise of benchmarking staff salaries to the top 75% of the industry and a group bonus was forgottened as soon as the trusting staff members signed on the dotted lines to convert their cushy Government pegged perks to the new hushed-up renumeration scheme. It is suspected that T.T. Durian has been behind the million dollar human resource consultancy services which NUS is a client of. NUS has seen an extremely high turnover rates among its professional non-academic staff since, but blames it on the union of the non-professional staff who are also confused by the finger-pointing.

Students[edit]

99.999999999999% of the student population hail from the People's Republic of China and India, they are largely governed by NUSSU, an entity not dissimilar to the United Nations which is widely regarded as powerless. The main administrative duties of NUSSU include, whining to Professor Tan Chor Pang, holding meetings to approve the minutes of previous meetings and organizing bashes and bazaars. The only membership requirement is a record of proficiency in rubber-stamping.

The student societies in NUS, including NUSSU, are well-known for their expertise in holding bazaars that specialize in selling useless bizarre trinkets of little worth at exorbitant prices. The collected funds which are then channeled into the organization of bashes, an integral component of NUS student life. These bashes, usually named after some B grade porn-star e.g. Erotica, Sin, Exotica and TUSH, are commonly held in cheap, unheard-of clubs that sell watered-down alcohol. The proceeds of the bashes are then used to fund the next bazaar.

Student Culture[edit]

Just before and during the examination periods, the students will always exhibit a strange behaviour, known to Doctors as "Choping". Students will leave their belongings, including such things as laptops, behind on seats and tables in the university's study areas, so as to ensure that their brains get enough exercise from trying to remember where they've left their belongings. They also strangely believe that some mythical dragons are guarding the entrances of their study areas, and that these dragons would prevent would be thiefs from entering the study areas and stealing their stuff. Doctors say that this "Choping" behaviour is quite common in NTU also, and further added that too much ego and self pride is to blame for causing this behaviour.

Facilities[edit]

In the absence of any world-class talent, the university has wisely decided to invest its resources in creating a world-class infrastructure. Unfortunately, students and faculty members hardly get to use it as the campus is in a constant of renovation and 'upgrading', ostensibly to make things even bizarre than before.

Attempts to compare the NUS facilities to their younger city dwelling sibling has proved fruitless. Professionals do however, discover that it is because their younger city dwelling sibling has even less talent (if any at all), gives out more hot air and knows how to lie and bluff better. This multi-million dollar advisory team has advised NUS to do the same. It is suspected that the cartons of dinosaur chillis ordered under "research" is towards this goal.

Fees[edit]

NUS students pay about S$6,000 a year (ca. 2007) for sub-standard teaching by mostly from Chinese and Indian lecturers who are classified as foreign talent. Tuition fees are increasing every year, due to NUS' inability to control costs despite its claim that it is one of the best educational instituitions in the world. In 2007, NUS was kind enough to stave off tuition fee increments for a year due to the impending raise in GST to 7%. The students were overjoyed at the immense benevolence shown by the management, despite NUS being a profit-steered corporate entity.

Corporatisation[edit]

In 2006, NUS was formally corporatised. This means that it is no longer a government-owned instituition and the implication is that it is henceforth free to charge as it likes for tuition fees, citing increasing operational costs due mainly to having to pay "competitive salaries" to its (mostly Indian and Chinese) talented lecturers.

Ranking[edit]

In 2007, NUS was ranked 21 in the list of the world's top universities. This was largely due to the number of published but unread papers by its faculty members. NUS scored extremely low in the area of teaching standards. This implies that NUS puts more attention on research rather than developing students, while billing students for the increasing operational costs.

Championships[edit]

In 2008, NUS has also won the national league of talking cock, won handily by its entry on Uncyclopedia.

Trivia[edit]