Native Americans

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For clearing the land's forest and destroying its animals, waters, and winds, we will build you some really bitchin' casinos

Native Americans, a.k.a. "The People", Injuns, and Redskins, never expected the shit that they stepped into.


In the beginning. . .[edit]

Sophisticated systems of governing existed very early in Turtle Island

. . . the Native Americans walked to Turtle Island (the injun slang-name for North America) from Asia. This was made possible by their very close relation to Asian Jesus, who passed the "walking on water" gene down to all Native Americans. They then used their super-sonic speed, also inherited from Asian Jesus, to migrate to different parts of North and South America within a matter of hours.

Just so you know up-front, the Native Americans will, of course, kill all the Real Americans in due time. Wait and see.

Early Native Americans left many clues about their primitive culture, such as arrowheads, stone axes, cave art, stone spears, granite-covered sideboards, and pet rocks. That's about all historians and other rock collectors know about their early history.

The White Invasion[edit]

As soon as Europeans moved their families, friends, guns, and religion over to Turtle Island, they went "to the mall". In other words, in a very common "Beads for Manhattan" type trade (this was the common name for trades involving Manhattan Island and any round or shiny object), the Natives gave up a piece of land that they really should have held on to. Then a Normal American came up with a funny joke: "Hey, let's give the Native Americans blankets infected with smallpox and watch them get some sick!" The Founding Fathers agreed, and this decsision caused many wars. Eventually the Real Americans defeated the Native Americans in a period known as "Run for the Hills", and took over their land, women, and eagle feathers.

Thus, the Native Americans were driven before the heels of Real Americans, who were just "Manifesting their Destiny" to steal, inhabit, and destroy the land between the two mighty Oceans (and eventually take a whack at the oceans too). Some wiseass historian or teacher might try to tell you that Real Americans thanked the Native Americans for keeping them alive through the winters, and then shot them in the back, undertook a policy of genocide, and burned through North America's vast abundance of resources submitting a once-proud people to cultural decadence. But these historians and teachers have never met a Native American, so they are basing their wild guesses on old TV shows and John Wayne movies. Don't let them tell you their twisted version of the truth, because there's no telling where that might lead.

Native Americans honor John Wayne as a God


Native Americans were once universially hated by Normal Americans, but now all the rich white new-age emo-hippies actualy want to have at least 1/10th Indian blood. If they can "prove" their redskin genes by DNA testing, they come out of their lairs and take lessons on how to do the Sun Dance. The rest of us should just tell them: "Beat it redwhitey! If you wanna be part-Indian, how long will it be before you wanna be part-black!" Word.

Today, most Normal Americans believe Native Americans should go back to Native America where they belong, because Indians don't have the price of admission: money. And you know what they did to themselves? Through inbreeding with blond normal women, Native Americans can no longer walk on water.

Native Americans today are almost nonexistant, thank the Judeo-Christian God. Most of the "Native Americans" you see in Thanksgiving Day Parades are just Puerto Ricans dressed up in feathers and stoked on large quantities of tequila. And all the Indians on TV or in movies are Irish or Scottish actors who learned to talk Injun in acting school.

Many Native Americans were adopted as babies by Real-American families. However, these adopted Native Americans know who they really are, just like Harry Potter did while living under the stairs (what a loser) in that lame Aunt and Uncle's house, by sensing the great ancestral spirit which guides them back to their roots.


You can't go wrong worshipping lethal snakes, or so Indian logic goes. My uncle told me that if you worship a rattlesnake you should have your head examined, because then your fake God can bite you in the ass and kill you, just like the real God.

American tribes usually don't discuss their own religion, it's sacred to them, and to the wolf spirit. They, and the wolf spirit, need to lighten the hell up.

All Native Americans are secretly shaminstic, and are born with many of the powers attributed to the 144,000 in the book of Revelation, such as calling upon the Great Spririt to cause disasters. This makes disasters easy to predict, if you know how these prairie-dog fuckers think. You can make book on disasters in Vegas if you just sit and observe a few Native Americans as they read a newspaper or watch the FOX network. They will give "tells", or subconscious signals, about when and where the next disaster will occur. This is Injun magick, and you can make some good money on it if you know the signs.

That ability to influence action at a distance is also why Indians are not allowed to gamble, since true Indians can count cards at blackjack with their eyes closed, and can wish a roulette wheel to come up on any number (they have a cultural affinity for the number 26).

Injuns consider some animals, like buffaloes, eagles, and prairie dogs, sacred. If you let them have their way they will eventually start calling things like crickets and possums and pelicans sacred, so the boys from the oil companies put an end to that whenever their threat analysis teams decide that some tribe is getting too uppity.

If you want to understand Indian religion, that's about all you have to know. That and the significance of the Black Hills, where I guess they honor Mount Rushmore or some other painting.

Alternative Injun universe[edit]

In an alternative universe, reachable through the injestion of top-quality peyote, Native Americans are in charge of the world. Their leader, Going Bald Eagle of the Buffalo Clan, took away European tribes' land rights, sold them into slavery, forcibly converted them to a new batfuck insane religion, ordered the nation's schools to forbid their children from speaking European languages, and quickly reduced them to 1% of the population. This is an absurd alternative universe, but if you can get an Indian to give you some peyote you can at least visit it and abuse the European women there without anyone nitpicking about your "attitude", jeez, spare me the lecture Grandpa.

But just remember, as you travel in that universe, that everything a Native American says is always a metaphor with a buffalo, snake, or wolf involved, not counting the countless times when they are talking about real buffalo, wolves, or snakes.


  • A physics milestone was the discovery of Plank's constant by Baseball Hall of Fame pitcher Eddie Plank, who attempted to measure its value by sacrificing the Native Americans who really discovered it.
  • Most Native Americans, who can shape shift into and communicate with any animal, just stay with their human bodies, because then it's much easier to pop open their beer cans.
  • The typical Native American's source of income is the pawnshop.
  • Native Americans love bingo, which they play clairvoyantly by placing the markers on their bingo cards while listening to loud POW-WOW music on their special red edition iPods that Apple provides to the Catholic church for that purpose.
  • A famous Native American rapper goes by the name of 50 Horse.
  • Native Americans name their children after the first thing they see as they leave their tepees subsequent to birth. Hence, such strange names as Special Ed IP, Thief Running Away, and Two Dogs Fucking.
  • Amazing feats of science have been known to Native Americans for eons. Among these is the construction of the Bison Sphere, which is a huge pile of buffalo corpses shaped into a sphere, surrounded by an adobe shell on which lizards usually live.
  • Most Native Americans do not play the lottery, because it would offend the Great Spirit and limit their ability to wish for disasters. The ones who do play it can make any set of numbers come up merely by calling upon Coyote, who was responsible for setting about the arrangement of the stars.
  • Some Native Americans want to make their own movies (like Black people), run their own language radio stations (like Iranians), operate TV networks filled with programming starring their own kind (like Hispanics), and do whatever the hell they want. These belong to the Troublemakers Tribe, according to Real American law.


Most Native Americans, who spend their pawnshop winnings at the casinos instead of paying their bills, laugh at Real Americans and say "White people are dumb enough to waste their money at the casino". Always put your money on Red, that's what my uncle taught me.

See also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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