Need For Speed

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“My RX-7 can kick Hilton's ass any day.”

~ Dawn on Need for Speed
Nicole Richie in the 2007 Need for Speed title (title still pending).

Need for Speed is a first-person, massively multiplayer online role playing game where players compete online as characters trying to purchase, steal or transport amphetamines, kittens, cocaine, copies of World of Warcraft, heroine and other drugs for both profit and pleasure.

Need for Speed was released in November 2005 as an online, freely available beta from Electronic Arts. However, to educate users about drug abuse, EA then switched the game to pay subscription format once they were addicted.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Need For Speed.

Many people point out that the game is tedious and repetitive, much like World of Warcraft. Players get a mission. They complete. Next mission. A famously laconic four word long review from GamePro in December 2005 noted: "Teh gay it hurts."

Many critics believe the game is popular for that exact reason. While it takes real skill to master a game like Go, a brain-damaged monkey in a blindfold can pretty much reach level 30 by simply jamming the keyboard with his ass until it becomes tired from the onset of a skin rash.

One review from IGN stated, "If I wanted to go for a walk, I'd get out of my chair. Why would anyone pay a subscription to play a nature hike simulator?"

The game[edit]

Players create their own junkie characters, and then login in with their account into a barren cityscape based on the city of Detroit, Michigan. The player is weak and has no memory of how he got there (shrooms)trippy man!. He picks up a note that informs him of his first mission.

And Pedestrians are worth 10 points!


Need For Speed: Bombay (EA)
What could be more fun than racing though Bombay, The capital of bad traffic, in the latest version of need for speed?!

The note asks the player to find an elderly white woman and "rob her ass". The player finds the old white woman, beats her into submission, and is rewarded with a gold coin that can be spent as in-game currency. The player may then ramble through the streets until he finds a street-level dealer.

Once the player scores some meth he becomes a second-level junkie. Players will be tasked with many subsequent missions, including robbing a house, murder-for-hire, being a drug mule and bludgeoning Canadian tourists who traveled over from Windsor, Ontario.

By level five, junkies are huffing kittens and trying to sell a trick baby to score a hit. At level six, players are reduced to stealing food from a soup kitchen and trying to hock it at a pawn shop.

Levels of junkies[edit]

As the player progresses, he will attain a higher level.

A level ten junkie is proddingly called a "denizen of World of Warcraft". Level twenty junkies are called "Firefly fans". A level 60 junkie tops out as President of the United States.


The murder rate in a number of US cities shot through the roof after EA did away with the free beta. Armed robberies doubled in less than two months. The response made Need for Speed responsible for the second worst outbreak of video game related violence, after World of Warcraft.

The game has been frequently decried for its depiction of white people as junkies. Many critics point out that only black people are junkies and should be tossed in jail. White people have dependency issues and should seek treatment.

The game is also criticized for its depiction of Canadians as weak and easily victimized. The only Canadians in the game who are depicted in a strong light are the Quebecois, who form most of the criminal underworld in the game.


The 2007 version of Need For Speed will feature a ton of celebrities (crappy and non -crappy alike), including Chuck Norris, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Bruce Willis, Dawn, Coach Z, Kevin Federline, May, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Rosie O'Donnell, Dick Cheney, 50 Cent, Bill Engvall, Riza Hawkeye and Justin Timberlake.