|"Donald Trump does not like this article!"|
I've seen funny articles, and this article is not funny.
Neopets (originally NeoPests), which comes from the Greek word Neo meaning new and the Brazillian word Pet meaning pervert(or possibly the American word pet, which means fart. Or the Japanese word pet, meaning petting), is a virtual pet site originally intended for pencil pusher college students, but is now used by wannabe pedophiles, swarms of noobs, and those who don't have a real pet or life of their own (unless they have crabs).
Users are supposed to create artificial creatures to keep and raise for their own food source. They are allowed to raise, farm style, up to four "pets," although a certain user who goes by his alias borovan (which can be roughly translated as The Pico of the Innocent) raises five pets. But since he works as a maidservant for George Bush and huffs kittens with Osama bin Laden and masturbates, we can't really blame him, can we?
Unfortunately, these artificial beings cannot die per se, instead they may turn red, invisible, or sick. Many players have unsuccessfully tried to kill them. One person even cut off their pet's arms and legs. This ended up being a new species of Neopet called a kiko, which is short for Killer Irish Kabala Orange. Basilisk venom is one of the few things that can destroy them, but that has been outlawed by PETA since their treaty in the Council of Ghent in 1776.
Over 236 million pets have been created so far, and they are expected to outnumber the world human population by 2040.
There are 69 pets to keep. Many years ago, in 1850, there were dragon and dinosaur pets that actually looked quite cool. That is why there are boys who play Neopets. Since then they are all revamped and uglier than ever. Most of the boys who played Neopets can't quit - you'll have to ask them why feeding a pixellated pile of crap is so addictive. A few years ago, Neopets looked like your normal kid-friendly game website. Now it looks like a your average toilet, after you have defaecated and before you have flushed. When questioned about this crap makeover, TNT responded: "We are focusing on raping your Neopets and fapping to Goatse." Since then it has become popular among 8 year old girls suffering from Down syndrome, as well as sexually confused middle-aged men who drink methylated spirits and go blind. Such unfortunate victims.
TNT, obviously, hates all that is happy and living. Therefore, TNT picked a bundle of pets and killed them by thousands. Users were horrified, but TNT deemed those pets as "limited edition." This is not all bad you see, as the pet known as the Tonu may spawn spontaneously so users may save a few. Unfortunately, Tonus are too ugly to be liked. One lucky neopet, the Peophin, escaped its endangered condition, for reasons unknown. Another neopet, the Kiko, (a.k.a.Killer Irish Kabala Orange) lasted a decent amount of years until in 2003, where they were slaughtered and deemed "limited edition." TNT were obviously bored at that time. There is also the Poogle, whose name suggests that it is the mix of a poodle and a beagle, or vice versa. It looks nothing of the sort and has stubby little legs and a very cute and rather large head. They appear positively wimpy, but actually have very sharp teeth used for tearing the flesh of all who have the ability to digest food. Beware the Poogle.
TNT picked three random neopets, and did not let users adopt them. However, they are not unattainable, they are supposed to be adopted through certain conditions. TNT called these fellas "restricted", which really meant that TNT are messing with you. Yes, I mean YOU. The names of these guys are the Krawk, the "Draik", and the Grundo To get a Krawk, you must capture its smaller clone (which costs too much) and bring it to a disgusting cave known as the "fungus cave" in Krawk Island. The clone will want to eat the so-called mushrooms and will transform to its awesome form as a neopet. The Draik must be bought as an egg (which cost WAY too much) and hatched in an evil cave. As for the Grundo, they are genetically engineered and therefore you have to visit a machine. It becomes your neopet as long as the machine doesn't explode like a nuke.
Real people were once imprisoned and turned into neopets, such as an ugly man named "Mellish," Bruce Forsyth, and Macy Gray. Thankfully, TNT saw that humans were utterly useless in doing their bidding, so they let them go to be extinct from Neopia.
You can also enter your sexiest Neopets in the Hentai Beauty Contest where you draw them strip for other users as other users vote for them.
Your neopet may raise its own pet, called a petpet. Probably smarter than their master, as seen in their video game for the PSP. They are small and wienieish and could fit into your pocket. Some of them may be hideous and disgusting, but they can't help it, so try not to look at them or tease them too much. Petpets have feelings too, you know. They once had their own little village, named Petpetopia (a gay name, for a gay village), and all was peaceful and serene. Suddenly, a dark force shadowed over their land and told them to surrender to it or face the consequences. Seeing as they're defenseless and weak, they are either stuffed into special Dora The Explorer backpacks filled with 10-week-old omelettes and jelly or they surrendered and were turned into slaves for the uglier, more bigger species.Nowadays, they live in something called a hibbitarium, in which they collect pollen from the roots of flowers and scrape wood shreds from trees without axes.
Your Pet's Petpet can also hold hostage a pet of its own, but they have to find it first, which is a great way for Petpets to get off their arses and do something for once. IF they have arses.
If you're lucky enough, your Pet's Petpet's Petpetpet can have a pet of their own as well. And then their petpetpetpet can have their own pet, and then the petpetpetpet's petpetpetpetpet has their own pet, etc.
Your Pet's Petpet's Petpetpet's Petpetpetpet can have their own pet as well, as shown from above.
They are basically a half a pixel in length, but many Neopets users are willing to spend several months earning enough neopoints to obtain one. This is a phenomenon known as child manipulation*.
- (Also see Catholic Church)
Petpetpetpetpetpetpetpetpets generally are 3 picometers in length and have 3 valence electrons. They combine well with noble gases, but do not combine with Alkali metals. As a rule they are not radioactive, but some achieve this state when they lose electrons. They can be synthesised in places such as the Large Hadron Collider in Sweden.
This is the world of Neopets. It is rumoured that Osama Bin Laden now lives there. Though of course, he might as well be in hell, doing drugs.
Now for the places in Neopia:
Neopia Neurological Central- This is the place where you get brain washed and become addicted to Neopets. Why else do you think it's called Neurological Center? It's that small little city with the hamburger.
“In Soviet Neopia, hamburgers eat YOU!”
Terror Mountain- the first part of this place is called happy valley (oh the terror it must be bringing). It's insane. It's the perfect vacation spot for homosexuals and chickens to go skiing, since they can't afford plane tickets. Next are the Ice Caves (home to a giant ice worm that will spit shards of razor-sharp ice at your pets), followed by the "Top of the Mountain", where Adolf Hitler can be seen skiing, embracing a Bishōnen.
“It's at the very top of the mountain!”
Tyrannia- This is an ugly place with ugly people. Pedestrians speak like this, except with uggs, uggas, args, etc. It is also the only place in Neopia that women leave their armpits unshaven, while men shave theirs instead. Yep. There's also this big, fat, disgusting omelette left rotting under the sun which you have to eat, if you have never eaten human flesh. Hey, look on the bright side. At least it's not eating YOU.
Meridell- A place of long ago. Long, long, long ago, before Earth was created and before the Roman Government forced religion upon humanity. It's a bit like Alagaesia, without the elves and the ripoff. According to TNT in a press interview this place was created to remind kids what the world was like before the internet made life worth living. The place also seems to have a history, but really, who cares? This place is similar to Iraq; both are primitive and suffered from civil wars.
Haunted Woods- A place supposed to be scary. And really is, because like omg, there are like ghosts of dead n00bs and undead rapists here! Ain't that scary! This place is divided into three sections: The Haunted Woods itself, the Deserted Fairground, and the graveyard. It includes the typical roster of scary creatures, which frankly, are not scary anymore, since we all know that undead rappers are afraid of pink panties.
Lost Desert- It really isn't lost. Because this guy found it.
Faerieland- Faeries live here. Faeries are the only creatures having cleavage here (but there are neopets called Vermee that the females have even bigger boobs). Unfortunately, all faeries are feminist females with pant suits and rape whistles. Therefore, they are evil. All of them. Besides those who like to eat neopets, of course. They have magic. The built Faerieland on a cloud and live there. And, apparently, what goes up has to come down, and the mundane and bloodthirsty neopets have waited for centuries already for it to fall, so they could taste Faerie flesh. Occasionally, the Faeries are known to give out special quests to those who are 'deserving', in the form of Random Events. Since every Faerie likes to keep her cleavage and ass juicy and ready for their next Neopets Porno Mag photo shoot, they will often drop down on random Neopians and ask for something from McDonalds or some sort of makeup. When you approach the Shop Wizard to see what the cheapest price is to buy these items is, the starved, menstruating bitch of a faerie will drop down and tell you that this is apparently cheating. Thus, you must seek help from either the Help or Avatar Chat, in return for a good Neocyber. However, these quests are almost never beneficial to neither you or your Neopest, unless they are from the Fountain Faerie, who will paint your Mudkip for free if you purchase an item worth a damn besides the ever-popular, one-neopoint piece of wearable shit (which is no longer available to donate to the Money Tree, by the way, dammit).
Mystery Island- Oooh. Mysterious. Not really, because everybody visits. It also had a lame puzzle plot in which was solved. Not that mysterious as it says.
Krawk Island- Pretty straightforward. It's an island. With Krawks. And aar, there are pirates, so as you can see, it rips off a famous Disney movie which is cool. TNT is a bit like Christopher Panino- er, I mean, Paolini.
“We're the Pirates- wha? Of the Carribean- wha?”
Maraqua- It's aquatic. So there's water, and water is important, because you have water in your pee. Long ago, Maraqua was actually that place with the gold in The Little Mermaid. But since TNT is like Panino-err-Paolini, they took it, and killed the little mermaid. Evil bastards.
Roo Island- This place is a mini world. Its inhabitants are Blumaroos, Neopets who live in giant shrooms and bounce around like a kangaroo on drugs. It also has the worst meri-go-round in which cost 50 neopoints.Besides, its like only 5 secs (wow thats fun).
Kiko Lake - Same as Roo Island except with Killer Irish Kabala Oranges. And some Jetsam. Which means crap thrown over a ship. The Killer Irish Kabala Oranges eat fish crap. The lake is full of crap, too. (I mean the Killer Irish Kabala Oranges, of course :) )
Virtupets Space Station- Sells cheap food, which will give you Grundos in your intestines.
Kreludor- A moon. It spins around Neopia and goes WHEEEE!! It is inhabited by Grundos looking for a host.
Altador- Neopet's rip-off of Narnia and Ancient Rome. Nuff said. King Altador is a Black Jesus, only whiter.
Shenkuu- The only place in the Neopets World which doesn't suck balls - but that's only because it looks Asian/hairless and small in style- if you don't believe me, then look for yourself.
McDonalds World- Whenever Neopets has a promotion with McDonalds, they secretly open up a world called McDonalds World. This world is full of fatty foods kids and their stupid neopets can enjoy.
NeoHell- Neopets and TNT who have done bad things go here when they die. Lots of TNT are frozen in there, screaming in torturous flames for eternity. But wait, do Neopets die in the first place?
NeoHeaven- Unfortunately, a very lonely place considering that no Neopet could ever make it to heaven. A Vermee and a Zafara was one in here, thou.
These morons are a bunch of dynamite sticks (hence the name "TNT"), that sit around all day watching Fanboy and Chum Chum. TNT stands for The Nasty Toilets.
However, their intelligence hasn't improved, which means they can never get into college and get a job, so TNT created new games involving gambling to cheat money. Many Neopians enjoyed it However TNT saw this happiness among them. They vowed to never let happiness precede them, so they froze everyone who played. So why did they make it in the first place? A prime example of their IQ being lower than the speed limit.
Inside the imaginary Neopian world, the Neopets team are an atheist organization who terrorize all peace and spread STDs. The only hope is the lesbian faeries, who are the gods which the Neopians pray to. Unfortunately, the faeries are not strong enough, since they are women but not feminists, so TNT can always laugh maniacally and scratch their asses in public. TNT had once tried to build a neoschool for dimwits, but seeing as TNT themselves are dimwits, they cancelled the project.
They are not all bad, surprisingly. Back in November 1999, Adam Mufflin, the Fanboy of Neopets, accidentally ate pizzas and kebabs. According to Polish folklore, if one eats pizzas and kebabs, it is sure to be a poison. The reason is the god Pizab absolutely hated pizzas and kebabs, so he poisoned every combination of those two foods. But Adam wasn't poisoned, and instead he came up with an idea to create another universe where he controls everything like a group of madmen. The reason for this is that Adam was abnormal in the sense of health and nutrition.
Once upon a time (which means around 2001),some guy(we shall call him Frank for legal reasons), had finally cracked the Neopets code. He had hacked into one of the TNT's accounts and therefore stole all of their condoms, porn magazines, and/or certain drugs. However, Adam found him and tortured him somewhere near Kenya. Or maybe Soviet Russia. No, probably in Japan...or France...or China. I DON'T KNOW!!!! No one has ever heard of him since.
And thus, Adam has taken over the planet and began reading Eragon.
Summary: The TNT makes about 1-2 good updates worth more than 5 seconds of time a month and make several promises, breaks them, and than jokes about it like its funny.
TNT sometimes release plots. Most plots eat brains and make people huff kittens.
It sounds fun...but be careful, because it's just a distraction from the usual monotony to prevent players from getting bored out of their brains. But since they do not have brains, it doesn't really matter. Nada a ver u.u (Não precebo nada, já traduziam...)
Over the years, TNT has been talking about a new feature they are going to implement, which was called NeoSchool. Unfortunately, it was never created. This is probably due to the fact that TNT is extremely lazy, and they like to be idiots instead. It's ok, it would be better to play Halo anyway.
The main currency, called
Piles of Dung' neopussypoints, is the most precious thing in existence in Neopia. There are numerous ways to accumulate these awesome things, such as playing games, watching porn, selling brain cells on the black market, stealing money from oh-so-happy tree, or picking up neopoints dropped by some idiot while they're busy being emo and cutting their wrists.
Most users have millions of neopoints through scamming countless n00bs and/or idiots. Adam has about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 neopoints. That's even more than the number of little boys he raped.
Scamming people to get neopoints is fairly easy, since most Neopets users are dumb. Simply send someone a message saying something along the lines of "d00d g1v3 m3 ur p4ssw0rd 4nd u'll g3t 4 m1ll10n g4j1l1ll10n n3op01ntz". Most methods of scamming commonly used in Habbo Hotel will work on Neopets (with a little modification), since both sites are populated largely by n00bs.
If you get frozen for scamming, simply make another account with the same name, except with an extra number on the end. For example, if your name was "l33ttr0ll4469", you should make a new account called "l33ttr0ll44692". However, it would be wise to do this while the moderators are asleep, so as to give yourself the maximum possible time for scamming, spamming, stamming, shplamming and, uh... jamming.
The only use for neopoints is to buy paintbrushes, which cost a ludicrous amount of money due to the fact that, if used correctly, you will be able to download the beta version of Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Unfortunately, nobody knows how to do this.
Noobs can talk about Neopets-related stuff. As long as you're over 13. The under 13's are automatically banned from it for not growing up and getting facial hair. Unfortunately most are too dim to understand what the boards are for (infact, they probably can't spell dim). Therefore, they talk about stuff such as Fall Out Boy or the fact that they think they are vampires. But hey, look on the bright side. We'd all rather talk about Fall Out Boy and vampires than about neopets, right?
However most people have annoying signatures at the top and bottom of their posts and very tacky font colours, so the above conversation would appear like this:
The most popular board is the avatar board. Allow me to explain: hundreds of hours playing on the Neopets site does funny things to people's heads. Previously sane people (such as Michael Jackson) begin to develop strange obsessions. In Michael's case the result was extreme pedophilia, though for most people it is a simple material obsession, and when they read peoples board posts they are bedazzled by the shiny avatar. TNT capitalised on this and invented 'unlockable avatars', knowing that it would keep people playing for longer. A sign of extreme avatar addiction is when a player starts calling them "avvies". The hardest avatar involves sacrificing your petpetpetpet to the rainbow fountain faerie then refreshing the page continuously for a whole week, which gives you a 1% chance of getting it each time. A 2032 Survey stated that 99.94583% of "ACers" had a fetish for Kadoaties, a cat petpet with a Giant head.
At some point in the life of any n00b, they will decide they are no longer a n00b, due to some arbitrary reasoning such as having 9,436 avatars. At this point, they will begin a campaign to rid the board of n00bs. They will flame people for using chatspeak and report people for posting in the wrong board. There is a sense of superiority and pride in those n00b flamers. Their efforts never work because, firstly, n00bs sprout up like weeds in the garden of the internet, and secondly, once they talk to someone who doesn't visit role-playing forums and Uncyclopedia, they'll realize they're losers. Trolling the neopets boards with the intention of bothering the fuck out of these people, which is not very hard to do, brings flocks of these superior players yelling at you, supplying endless lulz.
The Great Math Adventure... Er, Neopets Board War
There was a time during the history of Neopets, where a site wide board war was in effect. Millions upon millions of neopets were brutally slaughtered. Of course, this didn't matter since billions of new neopets were being created. But the ten users that owned the million neopets were really upset. In response, TNT killed them. That's right, they physically killed them.
The war started when the Newbies board was upset with the Avatars board. The Avatars board was bragging that it was the most popular board. Newbies demanded it retract its statement, to no avail. On September 18, 1956, the neopets board war began.
Avatars was clearly a stronger board, and Newbies knew it. Newbies sought to create a coalition with other boards. In the end the Newbies, Fan Clubs, Games, Help, Ideas, Other Worlds, Stock Tips, and Virtupets boards banded together to create the BITCH (Boards In The Chill Hormones). Overall, their name didn't make sense, but they really wanted to be called BITCH.
Avatars saw the power of the BITCH, and decided to form its own force. Rallying together with Battledome, Beauty Contest, Neopian Writers, NC Mall, Neohomes, and Role Playing, they formed the SEXIST (Steve Evans' Xylophone Is Super Tasty) Again, the name made no sense, but they really wanted to be SEXIST.
The two forces first clashed at the Battle of San Juan. The battle took place inside the Shop Ads board, since it had lots of empty space. Near the beginning of the battle, Virtupets was greatly wounded. Help immediately tried to assist it, but was killed by Neohomes. Ideas was filled with indignation and killed NC Mall who was busy trying to scam kids out of their money. Avatars wounded Games, but was stopped by Fan Clubs. The battle eventually ended when BITCH retreated.
After six months, SEXIST was determined to lure BITCH out of hiding. They made a public announcement, and when BITCH did not respond, SEXIST took drastic measures. On December 25, 1977, BITCH massacred the Neopian Pound board. BITCH was horrified by this and confronted SEXIST.
This next battle was called the Battle of Edward Cullen (aka the battle that sucked). BITCH made the first strike and took out Beauty Contest. Battledome challenged Ideas, and somehow ended in a double suicide. Avatars sacrificed Neohomes to increase its strength tenfold. Avatars and Role Playing used their combined might to obliterate Other Worlds, Virtupets, and Fan Clubs. Newbies, Games, and Stock Tips were now alone against Avatars and Role Playing. Then, the unthinkable happened. Stock Tips confessed that it was a spy and moved over to SEXIST, thus showing that stock tips can not be trusted.
BITCH tried to retreat but was cornered. Then from the North came the Costumisation, Guilds, Key Quest, NeoQuest + NeoQuest II, Quests, and Spotlights and Galleries boards. The new groups attacked SEXIST, but Avatars had a trick up his sleeve. He sacrificed Role Playing and Stock Tips Obelisk-style, and absorbed the power of the new boards. Avatars fired a blast at Newbies, but Games intercepted the shot. Newbies knew Games' sacrifice could not be in vain. Oh, and the other 10+ boards that died. Them too.
Newbies gathered every spam thread that was every created on it and focused it into one blast. It shot it at Avatars, who was completely spammed. Avatars tried to resist, but could not defeat the power of "ZOMG DO YOU LIKE FOB??/?", "rAtE mY pIcTuReS iM hOtTtT!!1!", "Vampires are real!", and "if u dont lik twilight your a louzer!!1!!one!11!eleven!!1". Avatars was finally destroyed, taking with it nearly every other board.
The only boards left alive were Newbies, Neopian Writers, Petpet Park Grand Opening Celebration, Trading / Auctions, Neopets Trading Card Game, Merchandise, and Evil Things and Monster Sightings, but Neopian Writers ended up committing suicide. The other six boards decided to have a giant gay orgy, since all neopets boards are female.
In the end, Carmine looked upon this orgy and videotaped it. Afterward, he realized how much better it would be with all of the boards. So, using his great Carmine powers, he brought back every other board. Of course, he had to leave for the 9:00 showing of The Dark Knight, a movie worthy of his viewing. So, the great neopets board war was ended.
The NW is full of assholes.
A controversial problem among users is Adam's abnormal fetish to asparagus. If you even look at one, Adam will turn into a red demon and will drag you to hell. Most of Adam's pets are asparagus, who show signs of unhappiness.
Nobody knew about the history of this addiction until one man named Samuel Balls found a document of Adam's past while Adam was taking a piss. It doesn't have any legibility, reminding us that Adam was legally retarded. Luckily, Samuel's cousin's mother's brother's wife's uncle's son's father's sister was a master decoder of these kind of things. The document says that Adam met a mythical deity known as Aspurgis, who invented the asparagus item. This all happened in 1922, so Adam was a little boy at that time. Aspurgis said Adam must eat asparaguses for 6 years straight, then Adam would live forever. Adam was reluctant, but Aspurgis said that if he didn't do this, he would be killed, and not go to heaven. Adam then quickly agreed. Little Adam never ate an asparagus before. So Adam told his mom the whole story, but she didn't believe him. Therefore, Adam killed her. When Adam told this to Aspurgis, Aspurgis frowned. However, Aspurgis knew just the thing to do. He gave Adam a lifetime supply of asparaguses. So Adam slowly took a bite, and found that it was absolutely delicious. After eating 200 he gave Christopher Shyu a big asparagus wand and decided to create the Neopets Mall (AKA meatsink). After eating 500, he became addicted to them. And after six years, Aspurgis granted Adam eternal life. After that, Aspurgis disappeared forever. So Adam started eating other foods, but something was wrong. His mouth wouldn't eat anything else. Until 1999, he could eat other stuff. So now in the Neopian world, Adam will forever be addicted to asparaguses.
About Samuel, Adam found him and put him in prison. After a few years, Samuel died and Adam laughed so hard that Samuel's body exploded. The resulting brain matter from the explosion unfortunately managed to impale/severely retard a group of Harvard graduates, causing the Great Depression of 2043, and create who is now known as Carlos Mencia.
After careful consideration, Neopets was not named after the rapper Ne Yo, even though it might've given the site decent street cred. Even though once created for bored college students, it is now occupied by kids and various noobs. The sad truth is that Tommy's Neurological Team (aka TNT) ruin the site with horrid updates. Revolts and monarchies have been attempted, but to no avail. The reason for this is TNT's addiction to freezing its users. The most common reason for TNT to freeze innocent users is no reason at all. With the creation of the boards those 6-year old players learned they had to play and had riots. Everyone started complaining up storms in the "General Discussion" board, but as the storms gotten fierce, TNT was drastically decreasing in power. Therefore, The "General Discussion" board was ridden and never seen again.
Now, since their website is a complete failure, they keep trying to hack Runescape, the MUCH more successful website that is for straight men and gay girls. And occasionally an escaped neopet. Watch out. He's out to get you. IN FACT HE'S HOLDING A KNIFE BEHIND YOU RIGHT NOW.
TNT would like as many people to play Neopets as possible, so they have introduced a scheme for a neopians to refer others to join, in return for pathetic rewards, allowing it to spread across the internet like an addictive mind virus. In fact the players are so desperate to earn said rewards that some of them vandalize wiki sites.
Hilariously, Viacom have announced that Neopets as a corporation will be changing to Neostudios and will work on new, "exciting" online games and MMORPG crap in addition to Neopets. Makes sense though, the marketing are merchandise are the only regularly updated parts of the site. But consider all the bugs Neopets has, and then consider how much there'll be when TNT's attention is divided across a bazillion other stupid identical games.
The NC mall is where the rich people go to buy clothes for no reason. They then give it to their Neopets, but shortly commit suicide afterwards. To buy clothes at the NC mall, you need a form of currency called Neoc(r)ash. Now those "smart" people at Neopets say that you'll need some of your hard-earned money to purchase one of these suicide-in-a-cloth, but offer $100-worth of useless currency (yen) and a famous drink (as they call it) called Piss-in-a-Cup each time you purchase one of their "fine" items. No wonder people love seeing their Neopets die. After you buy the clothes, your girl Pets either become lesbians or star in Hentai and strip on the cover of Playpet Magazine(Now available at the Neovian Printing Press if your are 18+!).Your boy pet either become gay or rape other girl Neopets or some other pretty wrong things... Someone's Usul and Xweetok are now lesbians and his Buzz is a vampire(Who also rapes other female Neopets sometimes), and his Jetsam is now a bisexual ghost!