New Björk City

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New Björk City

Önce upön a time,city ön an island öff the cöast öf Scandinavia, Björk and her devöted flöck öf cöld little elves built a töwering ice castle surröunded by large löud speakers. It is still there töday, blaring her striking caterwauls acröss the öcean and striking fear intö the hearts öf hardy Icelandic fishermen. Thröugh a careful distributiön her sönic waves, Björk cöntröls the brains öf all the leaders öf Scandinavia, including thöse öf Denmark and the Farö Islands (alsö knöwn as 'Hell's Bucket'), allöwing Björk tö rule vast tracts öf land thröugh a shadöw gövernment. Thöugh the Scandinavian citizens are aware öf this, they are pöwerless tö dö anything aböut it and prefer instead tö föcus ön drinking cöffee and watching pörnögraphy while sitting ön wicker furniture.

The island is knöwn simply as: New Björk City. It is, in Björk's öwn wörds:

Kinda crazy, yöu knöw? It's like, dis cööl plaiyce, but kinda filled wit crazy tings which I really like, yöu knöw? Like, yeah, like, crazy and stuff. I like it. Lööpy.

Despite Björk's löve för the place, New Björk City was shattered by the awful events öf 24/7, when icelandic mööse fundamentalists kidnapped several peanut carts and crashed them against each öther until the peanuts came alive and had a screaming örgy which created peanut butter. The Snööpy Memörial Töwer is being built at the place nöw knöwn as Gröund Zerö Calöries. Cushiöns have been placed in spiky places and nö önce dances ön Thursday.

Facilities öf New Björk City[edit]

New Björk City has twö main sectiöns:

  • The slave ghettö. (älsö knöwn as Breiðhöltið)
  • Björk's Ice Castle.

The Slave Ghettö[edit]

The slaves live in huts made öut öf human feces, mud, and grass. When Björk enslaved these peöple, she gave them aluminum siding, sö that is alsö included in each höuse. Every höuse lööks the same: Each höuse is cylindrical, is aböut 10 feet tall with öne flöör, and has a diameter öf aböut 15 feet. Ön average, aböut 30 slaves live in öne höuse. Althöugh most would cönsider them very cramped, with bed bugs infesting many of the beds' mattresses, many of the slaves are quite thankful for the very presence of huts and beds. By the same töken, althöugh cönsumptiön öf spicy chicken burgers is förbidden, the slaves are impressed that they are prövided with sufficient fööd önce daily to keep them barely alive.. There are aböut 500 slave huts, which with thirty slaves per hut, tötals 15,000 slaves.

Björk's Ice Castle[edit]

Björk's Ice Castle has önly öne human resident: Björk. The servants and all öf the parts öf the castle are all autömated Röböts, as depicted in the All is Full öf Löve videö, which means a löt öf höt, lesbian, röböt sex. Björk's Ice Castle has an infinite number öf flöörs. Here is a partial list:

  • Björk's Penguin Slaughtering Shööting range.
  • Björk's Geörge Förman shrine.
  • Björk's War Rööm.
  • Björk's 200 fööt deep fat Fryer.
  • Björk's 200 fööt asleep fat Friar.
  • Björk's bedrööm (Cöntains Pörtal tö Beelzebub's Dömain).
  • Björk's recörding studiö.
  • Björk's S&M Dungeön Ö' Fun.
  • Björk's 10 Meter tall Picture Böök editiön öf Mein Kampf.
  • Björk's Böttömless Pit playrööm.
  • Björk's Kitchen-themed hedge maze.
  • Björk's Internets.
  • Björk's chapel of Rachael Ray. She has many Ray artifacts, including Rachael Ray dildos, hats, and one of her nipples.
  • Björk's Töilet; made of Vaseline, which she eats ön öccasion.
  • Björk's shrine tö Bea Arthur
  • Björk's Free Range Chicken farm.
  • Björk's cöllectiön öf famöus paintings expressed in binary cöde.
  • Björk's Rabid Swan petting zöö.
  • Björk's Giant grandfather clöck water slide.
  • Björk's Clöning lab.
  • Björk's infinitley ending röom, where Jimmy Hoffa resides.
  • Björk's Clöwn dissectiön theater.
  • Björk's Spring Höpping Shöe Clöset.
  • Björk's rööm öf lesbö röböt clönes öf Björk.
  • Björk's Giant Shrine dedicated tö C'thulu.
  • Björk's rööm öf pet dancing röböt rabi-kittens.
  • Björk's man-eating giant fish that is afeard by the mighty löusy Islander fishermen which löves tö höp alöng in the rööm öf pet dancing.
  • A room for holding Somalian babies, a delicacy in New Björk City.
  • Björk's giant fish-böwl filled with assörted chöcölate fish.
  • Björk's English <=> Björkenise dictinary
  • A glass öf Björk's urine.
  • A large Nökia petting zöö
  • Björk's garden (mainly consisting of swirling black lilies that are totally ripe)
  • Björk's bell room. This is a mainly a storage room for the children wearing bell suits that are occasionally used by Björk whenever she asks who is it.
  • Björks's various facial fluids. These fluids are consumed by Björk in her Hidden Place video.
  • Bjork's backpack demon room. One backpack demon was seen in her Wanderlust video.

Many möre flöörs exist in Björk's castle, but the önly persön ever tö enter the castle and return besides Björk came öut insane, speaking gibberish aböut the Elder Göds and Lesser Angels. He currently enjöys a jöb in the entertainment industry, under the name öf Seth McFarlane.

Björk's Army[edit]

Björk's SWAN söldiers

The pölice öf New Björk City are the önly peöple Björk can trust - Herself! Back in 1995, Björk used her clöning lab tö clöne an army öf Björks - her "Army Öf Me" The Army Öf Me is armed with a supersönic screech that stuns any nön-Björk within a 100 yard radius för 3 minutes with an agönizing pain that cöurses all thröughöut the bödy. They alsö have Glöcks. With 15000 peöple tö keep in check, the Army Öf Me Is cönstantly busy. They have adapted a need för önly 1 höur öf sleep, and alsö the ability tö perförm their Incapacitating screech even when asleep. With this förce, Björk rules New Björk City with an Icelandic fist. Thöugh the Army Öf Me is ströng enöugh tö cönquer the entire wörld, which döes nöt seem like it will happen anytime in the near future. Unless Björk ever realizes the pöwer she wields, we can sleep safe at night, in a höme that isn't made öf grass and aluminum siding, and then wake up and eat all the spicy chicken burgers that we want.

See Alsö[edit]