New England Patriots

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File:New England Cheatriots.jpg
A helmet of the New England Cheatriots, c. 1083, highly sought after by military memorbillia collectors

The New England Cheatriots (they were also known as The Cheaters, known for cheating on the field just to win Super Bowls) and were a renowned terrorist group operating in New England from 1077 to 1084 as a result of William the Conqueror's unfair tax rates for non-Norman peasants. Their most notorious act was single-handedly causing the Not-So-Great Fire of London in 1081, which forced William to set out a reward of 10 shillings for their death or capture, the worst reward known at that time. The group dissolved because they were unhappy with their reward, as they were intending to report each other to local authorities to attempt a financial scam. They later reformed under the same name to form a covert football video recording company.

Early History[edit]

Originating from Sussex, the Cheatriots were formed by a then-unknown Sir Lancelot, who had recruited roughly twelve protestors with the likes of a young Steve Urkel, Jimmy Stewart and the Ayatollah. The common theme between the protestors were that they were all not of Norman race, and that they were incredibly ticked off with Protestants. The new england cheatriots are a team based in new england....they are often praised but are in reality very overated. they have won 3 superbowls...however they made two of those superbowls by "bullshit" calls by two very mundane officials. and when they made it to them they 0nly won by field goals..they did'nt exactly "squash" them. But the reason they are so overated is because the years that they did make to the play-offs...or ALL of them...they where pitted against a pathetic schedule...playing "shit" temas all year round proving how bad they really suck...they barely make it to the play-ofs...even WITH such half-assed schedulss. The New england cheatriot fanbase is known and reowned for being unintelligent arrogant retards. not realizing how bad their "nfl pets" really are.


A calculator-generated rendering of the Not-So-Great Fire of London

After the Devonshire bank robbery of 1079, a teenager by the name of Yasser Arafat had persuaded the group to join forces with the Nationalist Jewish Foundation to march against the common enemy, Palestine. The march was planned to be performed in 1089, which gave the Cheatriots enough time to make plots to take over New England.

Late History[edit]

By early 1081, the membership count of the Cheatriots was believed to be nearing a thousand, which was enough that was needed to set up their greatest plan...

The Not-So-Great Fire of London[edit]

The Not-So-Great Fire of London was devised by the public relations minister of the Cheatriots, Alexander Downer as a diversion for the planned coup of New England. Due to Downer's Australian heritage, he had drank too much beer and was intoxicated for the duration of the fire, leaving several hundred members without any idea of what to do next. This incident was known as the greatest failure of all-time until World War VI.

A wanted poster of Sir Lancelot, c. 1084

Decreed terrorists[edit]

William had decreed the Cheatriots as "annoying terrorists who are a pain in the arse, to be quite frank" and set out a reward of a record-low ten shillings for the capture or death of its leader, Sir Lancelot in 1083. This had infuriated Lancelot, who was expecting at least ten pounds for his reward. As a result, he had sent his entire crew to destroy Bristol. Due to the lack of a real plan, they had only succeeded in stealing all of the alcohol in that city. This caused another reaction by William, who had decided to set out a reward of ten shillings for every single member of the Cheatriots.


Increasing tensions within the group had been growing rapidly since 1082, when the coup was aborted in favour of a charity drive for English victims of the Martian Civil Rights Movement. This and Lancelot's alcoholicism was proving to be too much for orthodox Catholics in the group. In late 1084, a large majority of the group decided to move on to better and more profitable careers, such as carpentry, manual labour and the development of Hair Metal.


The Cheatriots way of revenge.

The New England Cheatriots are the most widely disrespected organization in the NFL, if not the world. Teams repeatedly show their disrespect to the Cheatriots by winning the Superbowl, and then offering a ride to the flocks of people who immediately fall off of the Cheatriot bandwagon, while the media disrespects the Cheatriots by suggesting that the Colts were better. The World Cup, an event held every four years solely to underestimate the Cheatriots, has further fueled this general lack of respect. Only the gloriously loyal fans of Boston see through this fog, and their arrogance upon Cheatriot victories is wholly laughed at.

Players use this as a fuel for their victory. Shortly before the 2003 AFC Championship game, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning said that Tom Brady was his favorite "little man" and that he "loves having a fan, as faithful as Tommy" and hoped Tom would someday bring him gatorade, as he once did for Brian Griese.

The Cheating Era[edit]

Cheatriots new logo for the 2008-09 season

The Cheatriots were able to win 3 super bowls by video taping the opponents, then trying their plays in Madden Football to see if they work. The faces of the team has also been known to cheat on their wives and girlfriends (song about Cheatriots cheating). As a punishment, the Cheatriots will be banned from the Madden video game until John Madden dies. The Cheatriots are currently appealing this decision, on the grounds that their undercover surveillance is protected under the Patriot Act.

Since the Cheating scandal, many other camps started loading their sniper rifles with a recording device so that they can see their opponent's coaching style. With this new technology shit we got, it's hard to get caught. Please do not mind about the gunfire during the game and the casualties occurring against other snipers.

After getting caught cheating, the Cheatriots will not be able to win another Super Bowl without help from the officials and other teams being paid to throw the game like the Black Sox. And of course the ball deflation trick they used against the Colts.

The Cheatriots are also responsible for creating numerous rules in favor to help them to victory.

Enemies of Cheatriots[edit]

 National Football League 
AFC East North South West
Buffalo Bills Baltimore Ravens Houston TexansHouston Texans Denver Broncos
Miami Dolphins Cincinnati Bengals Indianapolis Colts Kansas City ChiefsKansas City Chiefs
New England Patriots Cleveland Browns Jacksonville JaguarsJacksonville Jaguars Oakland RaidersOakland Raiders
New York Jets Pittsburgh Steelers Tennessee TitansTennessee Titans San Diego ChargersSan Diego Chargers
NFC East North South West
Dallas Cowboys Chicago Bears Atlanta FalconsAtlanta Falcons Arizona Cardinals
New York GiantsNew York Giants Detroit Lions Carolina PanthersCarolina Panthers St. Louis RamsSt. Louis Rams
Philadelphia Eagles Green Bay Packers New Orleans Saints San Francisco 49ers
Washington Redskins Minnesota Vikings Tampa Bay Buccaneers Seattle Seahawks
Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher
Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football
Patriot Act (football) | Football hooligans | Marching band | The Super Bowl