New Jersey State Constitution

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Picture of the Constitution after weathering 230 years of corruption

The New Jersey State Constitution is a document drafted in 1776 by King George III of England. It is the supreme law of New Jersey and its colonies, including the tiny islands of Staten Island and the Isle of Jersey.

Current Constitution[edit]


We, the people, of the United States of New Jersey, grateful to Almighty God for the civil and religious liberty which He hath so long permitted us to enjoy, and loyal to our benevolent dictator serving as Governor, do ordain and establish this Constitution.

Article One: No Left Turns and Gas Privileges[edit]

Article One states that all of the peoples' rights are only privileges, and can be removed at any time by the governor. Such rights include the right for a speedy and public commute, and the right to remain silent if stopped by the traffic police. There is a clause stating that, in times of peace, no soldier shall be quartered in the bathroom of any house, unless they are in danger of wetting their pants. It also establishes New Jersey's ban on making left turns and sets a minimum punishment of 10 years in jail for attempting to do one without God's permission. Section Three is a statute which makes it illegal to pump your own gas at any station in the State of New Jersey, or else you'll be punished by having gas pumped down your throat at $10 a gallon.

Article Two: Deciding Who our Dictators Are[edit]

Article Two details the process of deciding who the tyrant is. Section I of Article Two guarantees a government decided by democratic representation, and a democratically rigged election system to decide so. New Jersey is the only state not to elect their dictator directly. Instead, the popular vote of the people elects members of a 100 person voting advisory panel, who give helpful suggestions to the current governor of who he (she) shall appoint to Senate, and the Senators vote on which Senate member gets to decide the governor. It's confusing, but it works.

Article Three: Distribution of the Powers of Government[edit]

There are no distribution of powers! Get over it! What do you think this is, woman, Massachusetts?

Article Four: Legislative power[edit]

According to Article Four, the Governor has the freedom and liberty to choose whoever he/she wants to be in the Senate, even without a popular vote from the people if he/she pleases. The Senate can pass laws, but once they are passed, they are still subject to confirmation to the Governor.

Article Five: Executive power[edit]

The Governor doesn't just have the power to veto bills, but can also tear them up, turn them into oragami, and burn them in a fire if he pleases. The Governor can also take out a pistol and shoot a bullet hole through the bill if he gets really angry, though in rare cases, the Governor has gnawed on the bill and still passed it. The governor also has the power to execute people by tying them to a pole at Atlantic City beach and waiting for high tide to come and drown them.

Article Six: Judicial power[edit]

Article Six creates a series of judges who will judge the cute little doggies at the dog shows, and make sure the point scoring of the dogs is fair and just. Any decisions the judges make can be overridden by the Governor.

Article Seven: Public Officers and Employees[edit]

According to Article Seven, the governor has the power to appoint as many of his family members and friends to government positions, even if it is done so in a corrupt manner. These employees of the State may decide on their own salaries, as long as the governor is okay with it. The governor may create as many government offices as he pleases, ranging from Foreign Affairs Minister to Chief War Strategist.

Article Eight: Location of Toll Booths[edit]

Article Eight details the tax plan for New Jersey. As stated in the Constitution, "90% the taxes shall be paid by collecting tolls from the ungrateful New Yorkers and Pennsylvanians who dare enter this sacred land." Article Eight details the building of the New Jersey Turnpike and other toll roads to extract money from non-New Jerseyans, and where every single exit on the Garden State Parkway is. Section II of Article Eight declares that in the event of the emergency that all of the taxes can't be generated from New Jersey Turnpike revenue alone, it shall be generated by placing a toll booth in the front door of every home.

Article Nine: Amendments[edit]

The only way the New Jersey Constitution can be amended is if the changes to the constitution are done in permanent marker. The Constitution can be changed by crossing out stuff and writing new things in, and New Jersey is the only state to have the Constitution anyone can edit.

Article Ten: General Provisions[edit]

The General Provisions included are that King George III may remain the official Governor of New Jersey until he dies, or just becomes so old he forgets New Jersey exists. Each of the Parliament members of London also get a free glass of wine, and the House of Lords members each get ten slaves imported directly from New Jersey. The British Royal Navy also gets to take the fifty hottest girls from Virginia they could find, and keep them to be their personal bitches, as long as their fathers are okay with it.

Article Eleven: Train Schedule[edit]

Article Eleven is nothing but a list of the arrival and departure times for New Jersey Transit. Yes, it does suck.