- For the British version, see Newcastle Upon Tyne. See Newcastle for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page).
Newcastle (Pronounced ewe-kastle) is one of the most recently finished achievements of Gothic architecture in the world, hence the name. Strictly speaking, it is nothing like a castle - more like a well-planned catastrophe when viewed from above, and like a set of ultramodern ruins in side view. Although accurate, this description has lead some prominent tribes(wo)men such as the infamous Amanda Vanstone to claim that "there is nothing wrong with Newcastle" - but we know better. Originally founded as an answer to England's Newcastle Upon Tyne by a group of thieves and sheep rustlers (much like the residents of Newcastle Upon Tyne)who decided that they too would like somewhere where the women wore next to nothing and everyone got drunk every day. This proved to be very practical as Newcastle was quickly settled by Australians who like nothing better that to wander around wearing next to nothing and drinking all day. However their attempts to build a castle using empty beer cans and disposable barbecues were sadly fruitless and rumours of a similar town set up nearby as an answer to Sunderland by a small group of inbred fisherman have persisted but proved to be unsubstantiated.
Currently it is populated by two Non-Aboriginal Tribes, the Lake Macquarians (who live in Lake Macquarie, the largest perennial lake in the Southern Hemisphere, although currently they are trying to prove that it is actually a city) and the Novocastrians (of Newcastle City, the only city in NSW whose tribal government is too stupid to work out how much 2343.499954304 is). The two tribes are in constant violent conflict, with the traditional weapons (toothpicks for spears and extra-soft paper tissues for shields) used on the traditional battlefield (Glenrock State Conservation Area, located smack bang in the middle of the two tribal territories).
Recent analysis shows that Lake Macquarians are starting to evolve gills (which is useful, since they live in Lake Macquarie), and that each successive tribal leader of the Novocastrians has a very slightly larger brain capacity (which would be infinitely useful in the infinite future.) Newcastle is perhaps the only city in Australia with only two National Parks (and not one, three or more), since both the tribal leaders claim more of those would be detrimental to the city's air quality. These national parks are called Wallarah National Park and Watagan National Park. Wallarah, which is the American word for "wall of rock", refers to the conglomerate cliffs along the park's coast, and was named in 1966 by ardent supporters of the ANZUS Treaty. Watagan, the Old English word for "water pistol", has a somewhat longer history: it was named in 1989 by archaeologists referring to a plastic water musket found fossilised in sandstone in the area that was later to become Watagan NP. This fearsome traditional Aboriginal weapon has been found, by carbon dating at Newcastle University, to date back approx. 3000 years to the time of the highly unsuccessful Aboriginal invasion of Pommyland. It is a good place!
The recent local referendum lead to Windale being removed as a Newcastle suburb due to the level of Bogan to civilian population growing over the Government allowed size determined by the 'Bogan Over Population act of 1993'. As a result Newcastle lost 7 civilians and 4973 Bogans form its total population. It is now a "No go zone" for Novocastrians.
Recently, the locals built a 30 foot wall surrounding the ex-suburb built from the burnt out cars that once infested the area to keep the general population of Newcastle out, not that they'd really ever want to go there. There is only one access gate that is opened every Thursday to let a post man through to deliver their dole checks. This post man is now considered to be the God of their post apocalyptic state. They worship him upon arrival in a ticker-tape parade style procession each fortnight but then wake the next morning to find that they've blown all their government money on booze, cigarettes and cheap hookers which causes a vicious cycle of violence, mayhem, pillaging and rioting until the next cheque arrives the following fortnight.
Newcastle is filled with many beautiful and world famous landmarks.
The Big Penis - Smack bang on Queens Wharf stands this giant metal structure of a phallus. It was modelled after Andrew Johns' penis as it was the most famous and most seen by the public at the time.
Strezlecki Car Park - This famous look out which overlooks where Susan 'doesn't wear and clothes' Gilmour Beach and Bar Beach meet is the conception point for over 73.4% of Newcastle's population.
Energy Australia Stadium - The home of the NRL team 'The Knights' and the A-League Team 'The Breakers', sorry I mean Newcastle United, doubles as Andrew Johns' house and a meeting place for men to play with balls and jump on each other. There are constant complaints from sportspeople that the change rooms are sub-par, some have complained of finding peep holes in the showers thought to be used in Ian Roberts in his NRL years.
The Serial Pest - Although his true identity is yet to be known, many have speculated that he is actually Yahoo Serious of 'Young Einstein' fame. After failing to repeat the success of his international blockbuster debut he faded away into the backstreets of Islington only to re-surface years later disrupting sporting events with flares, cats and loud ranting. He even once knocked himself out trying to tackle Andrew Johns at a Knights home game and can now be seen drunk and possibly on drugs in local parks shouting at trees.
Foreshore Fat Lap - A well known ritual for dickheads on a Thursday night to drive souped up rice burners to try and impress the female of their species by doing a lap of the Newcastle Foreshore. The local Police take pride in defecting as many of the piece o' shit cars as they can.
GARDEN CITY (Gardo, Westfield Kotara or if you're an old cunt Kotara Fair) - Is less bogan than Charlestown Square but more upper class than Newcastle Mall. Gardo houses hundreds of shops that Newcastle doesn't really need or have the market for. On Thursday nights, wankers from surrounding areas like Charlestown, Wallsend and Windale flock into the shopping centre with shit hair cuts and shit cunt attitudes.
Charlestown Square - Located in one of the most bogan suburbs of the Hunter is a shopping centre that is home to a shit load teenage mums, trailer trash and affluent maze engineers that each day look to find ways of making the centre even more of a maze than it already is. On a side note, Hilltop Plaza which is adjacent the Charlestown Shopping Mall is not affiliated with said mall and should be entered with great caution as you may be raped, robbed and accidentally fall into the eternal queue at the RTA. Parking at the Centre and the Plaza is a joke bigger than Peter Garrett.
'The Square' started off as a simple Coles supermarket in 1966. However, in 1968 the area became infested with drunken LSD-addled fudgepacking bong-water drinkers from Sydney (see 'architects' for more details). Some of these mated with real estate developers (see Newcastle City Council) and Charlestown Square was born soon after in a frenzy of architecting, bank-account stuffing, dodgy building practices and demented lunacy not seen since Nero remodelled Rome.
According to studies at Newcastle Uni, Charlestown Square was actually funded in error by a Federal Government grant on 'How to attract Bogan ... away from Canberra'. A recent archival search has shown that the grant was personally signed by then world champion sheep shagger and Prime Minister Malcolm Fraser, with the words 'should get those little fuckers out of here, anyway' written in crayon under the 'X' that was Fraser's traditional signature. Unfortunately, the critical word 'Moths' after the word 'Bogan' was obscured by hoofmarks of his then-favourite root, Dolly the double-uddered Merino-Dorsetshire cross. Certain... stains on the document linked by DNA to Fraser indicate that he had it strategically positioned to keep excess and/or leaking body-fluids off the Prime Ministerial carpet.
As soon as the place was built, non-Novocastrians got confused by the apparent change of suburb name from 'Charlestown' to 'bastard place is totally fucked'. In fact, this is a contraction, as in: 'You come from Charlestown? Poor bastard, place is totally fucked!' On the upside, this is literally true for any used-quim-fancier with absolutely no standards beyond 'breathing', as ten minutes there will prove. Open display of currency will attract a fine selection of bogan fat slags, sluts and bimboes, anorexic meth-hags and pregnant 12 year olds. Do not, repeat not, openly display any banknote above $5 as this will have no effect. They have never seen such high-denomination notes and cannot recognise them as currency. Displaying a 5-cent coin is very effective, but will only attract the most elderly, raddled and worn-out bogans (those over 22).
Fine if you like going where every man and most donkeys within 80 miles has already been.
Glenrock - Glenrock SCA suffers much from being eroded by the traditional breed of war-horses (motorbikes) and from all the warriors of one tribe constantly emptying Glenrock Lagoon by mass-drinking from it and then refilling it by mass-urinating - an unbearable source of punishment for the other tribe when they get thirsty. Other environmental problems in Glenrock include uncontrollable expansion of lush, green rainforest due to a statewide deficiency in arsonists; and alarmingly dropping numbers of the South African noxious weed Bitou Bush (Chrysanthemoides monilifera ssp. rotundata) due to the weed destruction atrocities carried out by members of the infamous terrorist organisation, Conservation Volunteers Australia.
Glenrock is also constantly being over-run by Scouts, who have a tendency to light the beach on fire periodically, as well as swim with shoes on in the Lake. An annual event is held each year, to prove which local group can drink the most milk, known as the "Great Milk Bottle Race". This is not to be confused of course with an event held on the same day, with the same name, where by the rival Scouts use their thieving skills to steal the shoes of the milk drinkers, as to swim in the lake.
Stockton A place even Novocastrians avoid like the Black Death, Stockton only kept from seceding from Newcastle by regular bombardment and a slow trickle of human sacrifices lured in from Sydney. No-one is quite sure why it's a bad idea for Stockton to secede, the current theory is that Novocastrians have to feel superior to someone. Basically a sandspit inhabited by the survivors of sailing ships wrecked on the Oyster bank in the 1800s and genetic rejects from the local Aboriginal tribes, Stockton has evolved an unique culture unappreciated except by serial killers, rapists and drug smugglers. If you were not born there, you'll never be a local, and thus you are fair fucking game, sunshine. Yes, they mean 'game' literally.
Stockton is currently in turmoil due to Newcastle City Council plans to build on 'The Ballast', on the river side south of Hereford Street. The old Stocktonian families relish the thought of fresh victims delivered locally, recent settlers trapped there by real estate developers (see Newcastle City Council) want more people to help with their own chances of survival, and the local lads want more yuppie chicks to gang rape in the sandhills around Fort Wallace. This is what worries 'real' Stocktonians - this is the first thing they have all seen eye to eye on since the end of the standing knife fight. This took place in the front bar of the Boatrower's Hotel from 16 January 1862 until 15 August 1914 when it was replaced by the First World War. Worse, building on The Ballast might lead to awkward questions about the number of skeletons unearthed there and why the bones have human teeth marks all over them.
A popular event - because it can be safely viewed from across the harbour from Newcastle - is the daily 'Coursing of the Stranger'. This generally starts at the George Washington pub when some non-old-Stocktonian wanders in and asks for something to drink which is not Toohey's Old. The baying echoes across the harbour, there is a commotion at the pub door, and The Coursing begins. The victim is pursued all over south Stockton by specially bred Old Stocktonians (those with more than six teeth and a lot of Uncle Dad's in the family - which is to say most of them). No outsider has survived seeing the fate of the Coursee but it involves lots of screaming and you can see why the locals are nervous about people digging up the Ballast.
Also known as NewcZoo or NukeZoo. The Zoo was opened on 15/14/19999 (according to the rather carelessly typed NewcZooo Brochure) in the little-known Newcastle suburb of Asbeston (considered too small by Gregorys Australia to be put in the Newcastle Street Directory, every new version of which becomes outdated approx. 12 seconds after it comes out.) Because Asbeston consists entirely of an old open coal mine, one of thousands in Newcastle, the Zoo has had to be constructed on the not-so-spacious bottom of the crater, covering only about 0.4 ha. The only tourist facilities present in the zoo are three toilets (one for each sex), a coffee-making machine in the open, some fences forming the dingo enclosure, and of course the world-class NewcZooSkyWalk (with no fencing and many holes in the metallic grid floor).
Between 2000 and 2002, various native and exotic animals were introduced into the zoo, however lack of appropriate caging meant that the predators consumed all of the herbivores, then died of over-bloating. The survivors died because of an unexplained outbreak of the Newcastle Disease. The only animal currently present in the zoo is the dingo (see picture).
This Oscar Award-winning zoo was described by Cr John Tate (Newcastle's current tribal leader) in 2002 as "Too funny to be true... more like a video comedy than a zoo." Many Novocastrians still support this classification, which is why they succeeded in securing its Oscar Award title in early 2003. However, the Lake Macquarians seem to be more critical in their classification, which has resulted in the zoo being widely known to Australians as "Hell on Earth". Which may well become quite true in the future, as currently there are plans to test a nuclear power station and nuclear bomb simultaneously on the grounds of the zoo, tourists and dingoes and all.
Newcastle City Council
Newcastle City Council sucks. They are hopeless on the road, they are hopeless with parking meters, they are hopeless with environmental issues, they are hopeless with everything.
An example of John Tate's talk:
Hi's ther, Oi'm yer lord n' mashter. Ploise fall to tha ground n' beg for mercy as Oi pass through ya dirdy, unwashed heads and yeh. Oi've had enuff of the people whinging about the parking meters. Soiriously!!!
Newcastle City Council is composed of a choice selection from the usual array of fine upstanding Novocastrian citizens: pimps, kiddie-fiddlers, drug dealers, pederasts and the lowest of the low - real estate developers. Their ability to do anything useful is defined by the saga of the sodding big rock that fell out of a cliff and blocked the foreshore road near Newcastle beach. Any retarded halfwit with the intellect of a cactus (see 'Mayor of Sydney' for more details) would have whistled up a bulldozer and pushed the bloody thing off the road and on to the other sodding big rocks below. All of which fell out of the same cliff years ago. This task so overtaxed the mighty combined intellects of the Newcastle City Council that it took them several years to organise. The environazis were happy, as they were given environmental impact statements to do in Yiddish on the feng shui implications of moving the boulder. Their responses were universally 'Duh. Push the mongrel over the edge with a bulldozer', normally said as they were walking away trousering $100,000 of ratepayer's money and whistling happily. Unfortunately for them the real estate developers from the council had grabbed a few iron bars and were waiting just around the corner. They have not been seen since and have probably made a long sea voyage to Japan while holding up 15,000 tons of coal in the hold of a bulk carrier - the traditional Newcastle farewell for people local real estate developers and the union reps do not like much.
Things to Do
- Drag race your dads car on Koorangang Island
- Commit suicide by jumping off the top of the bogey hole.
- Meet "special" men friends in Civic Park
- Purchase 15 minutes at Cloud Nine
- Fight for a table at Goldbergs
- Sit outside 7/11 cause there is nothing better to do.
- Drive Your Gay Car Around King St Maccas Until The Seccos Kick You Out
- Drive around and around and around the foreshore with your idiot mates all nightel
- Go to Fannys. Its the 3rd most violent club in Australia, and by far the Number one to hook up with some skank off her face on who cares what. Perfect if you're an angry, sex addict on his 20/30/40th birthday.
- Become a member of the Junction Hotel, make the most of the free drinks and get drunk there every weekend despite having never spent a cent in the joint.
- Find the love of your life on a street corner in Islington.
- Sunday Fundaze.
- Get raped on a Newcastle University trail or Jesmond Park
- Get caught by the cops trying to have a girl polish your chrome at Strezlecki car park.
- Get hit by a random Central Coast guy that has nothing better to do than drive up to Newcastle to fight and glass people on a Saturday night.
Recently discovered biblical texts have indicated that Newcastle and its surrounding area was considered by ancient people's to be an unholy area, strong with the dark side of the force and thus a place where biblically speaking, no good could come. While this is a theological argument, it has lent credence to a view long held by some Novocastrians that the place is cursed by God. Events, such as the frequent fires, earthquakes and most recently torrential floods would seem to lend anecdotal evidence to this fact. Many citizens of Newcastle are thus preparing for plague and there has also been a mass exodus of anyone considered firstborn. All things in Newcastle seem to be tainted by fuckedness, people and objects. While things being born or created in Newcastle can never completely be un-fucked, it is possible for a person or thing to be come less fucked over time by spending long and extended periods outside of Newcastle. Anything that did not originate in Newcastle can become completely un-fucked eventually, but prolonged stay in the Newcastle area will make this more difficult over time. Fuckedness can also briefly be abated by vigorous scrubbing with steel wool or by bombardment with radioactive particles. Abduction by Aliens is also thought to be effective.
It is common for people in and around Newcastle to greet each other with the phrase "You're Fucked". This is not considered insulting, rather, a statement of fact and thus proof that Novocastrian people meet as equals. If someone from outside Newcastle greets a Novocastrian this way, they will usually reply with "I know, sorry" unless they are a Bogan or a Homie - two virulent Newcastle subspecies - who will more than likely assault or kill you. Whilst most enlightened Novocastrians have come to accept, adapt and live with their fuckedness, Bogans and Homies have not, and commonly share the belief that "Newcastle's fuckin' unrool n that". These people should be avoided wherever possible - Bogans are easily distinguishable by their attire, often sporting a mullet hairstyle and shouting "Go the Knights". Homies are an entirely foreign import, they can generally be found in large groups around shopping centres and generally resemble idiots.
Newcastle is also home to an amazing music scene similar to sydney's music scene but with more bogans and less 'Oh I am a wanker' musicians. Undoubtedly one of the greatest bands to escape Newcastle would be Lead Oxide. It was in Kings Park (near the zoo) that Lead Oxide had the tragic Black Wednesday concert, the concert would end the lives of thousands of innocent people. Other bands, such as The Porkers, contribute significantly to the scene, by appearing on cheap commercials to talk in the most meaningless way imaginable.
Newcastle has also given birth to two quite famous bands Silverchair & The Screaming Jets.
Over their career, Silverchair has progressed from a Nirvana in Pajamas band to a "hey weren't you that band that used to play Tomorrow and other cool songs". Their front man Daniel Johns seems to be stuck in the closet, he was married to the very hot Natalie Imbruglia but divorced her a few years ago. As if that doesn't scream I love Elton John in the kind of way that I bat for the other team way.
The Screaming Jets front man Dave Gleeson is infamous for his drugged up speeches about how good it was that "They finally burried the fag" referring to the passing of Queen's front man Freddie Mercury on the day of his funeral in front of thousands. The band also knows how to get off their heads so much that a member serves his genitalia on a airline food tray during the Ansett virgin flight from Brisbane to Newcastle which leads to them being ejected off the plane. They tried to tell the media it was because of their failed attempt to get the passengers to join in a rendition of "Puff The Magic Dragon". Good try boys.
Another band from the nearby Central Coast "Short Stack" put a stain on the underpants of the Australian Music scene with a 'Pokemon loving, poor spelling, shit lyrics, Blink 182 wannabe' image that only 12 year old girls listen to.
In 2007 a massive flood of semi Biblical proportions ruined peoples houses and cars. It also temporarily interrupted the beer supply which many locals were more devastated about than the actual damaged caused to their properties. Many local bogans could be seen in their Holden Commodores and Ford Falcons floating down streets not wanting to leave their 'prized' possessions alone.
Also, a bunch of bloody idiots on the Pasha Bulka decided that they didn't feel like waiting offshore for their pornography resupply like everyone else had to, and decided that they would attempt to enter the harbour, in spite of the massive storm. To cut a long story short, the boat ended up on the beach instead of the harbour, which resulted in a massive influx of tourists, drunken idiots, bogans selling t-shirts, a hideously expensive 'rescue' operation, and the creation of "fully sick waves".