Newfoundland and Labrador

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
(Redirected from Newfoundland)
Jump to navigation Jump to search

“Either the wallpaper goes, or I move to Newfoundland...”

~ Oscar Wilde on his deathbed.

“It's Newfoundland, not New-Finland, we're not part of Finland.”

~ Newfoundlander on Newfoundland.

“Oh yes you are you Stinkin Newfies!!!”

~ Finland on Newfounders on Newfoundland.
Soviet Republic of Newfoundland and Labrador
Flag Flag of Newfoundland.
Official languages Newfounese, Mexican, Spanish
Capitals St. Drooper
Exports Fish, Military arms, Useful fisherman 'eh?, Hibernia (cheese factory), Warlocks, Snakes on Several Planes, Hatching, Matching and as once known to export "Dispatching", big dogs
Most Famous Citizens His Holiness Sir Phynn Teh Greatest Newfie, Steve the Newfie
Ruling Leader(s) The 22 Minutes Communist Leader Group,
National Pastime Hockey, Fishing, Funnelin
Too High To Measure
Ranked 1st
From Kingdom
24 June 66
From Canada
April Day 1949 1993
June 4, 1993
Currency Saliva filtered through the drooping lips of the world's best dog, the Newfie.
National anthem Mark's underpants
Motto Shaaa?
Length of work hours: 22 minutes, 22 days a year
National Douche Bag Shamus Walsh, David Fullerton, Ryan Green
National Turtle David Riggs
Literacy rate Newfies speak so fast that a single person can put the literacy rate up four or five times
Dialect Droopnglish
Most Attractive Newfie Jake Doyle... OH YEAH!

Newfoundland is a rainy, chilly, half snowy, yet droopy nation within but certainly not controlled by, the British Empire. Located three and a half hours west of Great Britain by paddle boat it is the most eastern place in North America. A large paddle boat is kept for this purpose in the harbour of the Newfoundland port city, Dildo. The capital of Newfoundland, St. Drooper, is located underwater and is guarded by specially trained Droopers. Newfoundland boasts a variety of attractions and heritage, such as George Street, Thomas Amusements, and the many drinking spots scattered throughout the cities. Icelanders found this small, unremarkable country some time in the 900s. Iceland owns Newfoundland, the emperor of the Icelandic Empire, Björk, likes Newfoundland.

Leadership & Power[edit]

Newfoundland Premier Danny Williams making our province proud.

It is currently ruled by a Fascist Dictatorship under the superior leadership of Danny Williams(Soon to be overthrown by the not so bearded Crippy and his anti-communist party group, red-means-run). Newfoundland has been under communist rule since the fish stocks diminished on 14 February 1993. At this time the nation was ruled by Ray O'Neil, a troubled man, struggling to survive in his career. A revolution led by Danny Williams and his followers ousted the ruling O'Neil party from parliament which occurred on June 4th, 1993. This day has forever been known as "Buckmaster Circle Day" and is celebrated as a national holiday every year. A group of angry fisherman led by Danny Williams gathered their quads, ski-doos and whatever they owned and marched on to destroy the Parliament building located there. After successfully destroying O'Neil's rule, Williams quickly established a large military power led by General Joel Greek. With General Greek's ruthless tactics Newfoundland quickly conquered all of Canada in order to rule the most powerful military power in the world. Newfoundland's armed forces are known to be completely immune to all chemical and biological agents due to their heavy consumption of Tim Horton's coffee and Jam Jams. In recent months Newfoundland has developed a vast nuclear weapons department of its military and plans to compete against Korea in a neo-nuclear arms race. This tactic is code named MAY 2-4, and plans to result in as much disaster as the yearly celebration does. Williams has a strong control of the nation and is expected to begin WW3 with General Greek ruling along side him. Newfoundland is currently planning an invasion of Ontario as a retaliation against the pricks in Ottawa for screwing Newfoundland in the federal budget. Danny Williams himself is leading the charge on Toronto. The Peoples Army of Newfoundland is said to have 50 nuclear warheads ready to detonate under parliament hill at any time. These claims have since been disputed as a defector, 1 of the 4 black Newfoundlanders named Kyle Griffin, originally from Jamaica, has stated that there are no warheads under parliament hill. However he also stated that they have a bottle of screech, a purity cracker, a bucket of salt beef, and an old man who can play the spoons quite well.


The province of Newfoundland and Labrador was named by John Cabot, the fifteenth century explorer, and his wife Toni Marie Wiseman (inventor of the first colour television). Its name is debatable for various reasons.

  • New. Obviously it wasn't really new, in the sense that the Beothuks, a tribe of Green Peace mercenaries, had been happily living there for ages. But then again, the Beothuks are all dead now, so arguably it doesn't really matter. Although perhaps we should honour their memory or something. And today, of course, Europeans have been living there for 500 years, and so it's actually "old" now, especially compared to the rest of Canada. Damn, names are complicated.
  • Found. Again, it had already been "found" before Cabot got there. Although on the other hand, if you're born somewhere, can you "find" it? I mean, Cabot definitely found the place in the sense that he didn't know it was there before. Damn, names are complicated.
  • Land. Well it's definitely land, at least. Although it's kind of watery, all those lakes and raggedly coastlines and stuff mean it's not really "land" in the sense of a continental landmass, it's ah jeez, there I go again.
  • and Labrador. Named after a cute dog that Cabot saw when he got there. Phew! At least we can all agree on that one.
  • Newfy Scotia. There are so many Newfies moving to the mainland that the Province of Nova Scotia has just changed its name officially to Newfy Scotia.
  • Fort Mac. Not to be confused with The Impregnable Fortress of Kraft Dinner. Fort Mac is referred to as the "Newfie Graveyard" where most Newfoundlanders go when there's no work around (because that's what every lazy idiot says when they don't bother looking for a job and the women can't get hired at the local strip club) and usually become heroin or crack addicts.


The most famous leader of Newfoundland was Joey Smallwood (aka The Great One). Joey Smallwood was a pretentious prick who referred to all leprechauns as "the raggedy-arsed battalion". Joey joined Newfoundland to Canada in 1949 as an April Fools' joke. However, when realizing that the Dominion of Newfoundland was actually joining Canada, a guy called Highlander challenged Joey Smallwood to a duel on Confederation Hill. After Highlander was kicked in the crotch multiple times and anally molested by Smallwood, he was immortalized in the form of stone and Smallwood continued on to join Canada. April 1st is now celebrated as Irony Day in Newfoundland in acknowlegement of the brotherhood the island shares with Highlander-they were both robbed of their manliness and were totally, utterly screwed over that day. The newfoundland national anthem is named after one of their favorite foods cheese. The anthem is known as "Ding Cheesie Cheese". it is sung at dil tickles, hang over week,( may 2-4), and Buckmaster circle day. This anthem basically represents what all newfies care about, besides booze.


Newfoundlanders like drooping, fishing, and hockey . That pretty much sums it up

Twenty Fourth of May[edit]

Uncle Bobby's Lard' Tunderin' Private Stock, the best damn communist beer "on the go".
Newfoundland's 2006 gross income.

A festival each year commencing on May 24(May TWO-four) to celebrate the melting of their mounds of snow and as a chance to go camping. Many have tried to discourage this event, citing the severe case of cabin fever, excessive consumption of fire water (alcohol) and large gatherings as contributing causes for many deaths annually. But these complaints are often discredited with the assumption that those who die were probably too weak to survive the seasonal migration anyway.

Prior to the events of May 24, a lot of preparation takes place. Large quantities of alcohol are purchased, entire camp sites are booked and houses are prepared for the large numbers of drunkards which will soon fill them. Much of Newfoundlands economy relies on the funds which are invested into May 24 events. An estimated 23 Million is spent each year, even when 50% of the supplies are stolen.

The May 24 celebration begins on top of Signal Hill where a virgin is sacrificed by wind (its quite windy on signal hill). This is followed by thousands of Newfoundlanders rushing to their homes, where they begin to attack their livers with alcohol. The evening consists of house parties or more specifically, kitchen parties. Kitchen parties often involve a dangerous amount of people piled into a single kitchen where they continue to drink, sing traditional May 24 anthems such as "The Pits", consume vast quantities of Jam Jams, collapse that side of the house and have a good time. After 24 hours of kitchen parties, the Newfoundlanders then proceed to their campsites where the party continues. The camping party can take place for anywhere from 3 to 8 days or whenever they run out of beer. Once all "da brews is gan'" and the May 2-4 event is all over, much still goes on. The days after are referred to as "Hangover week" and is now celebrated as another national holiday. This was decided by Joey Smallwood early in the 1900's due to the fact that everyone was far too incapacitated to return to work. The city is left in pandemonium with quad crashes, hospital visits, and numerous boating accidents. This is hows Lukey sank his boat, way back on the 2-4 of 1976.

  • People in England have reported that during the May 24 Holiday, if you listen really closely, you can actually here the ranting taking place more than 400 miles away.
  • Typically the stores sell out of "Uncle Bobby's Lard' Tunderin' Private Stock," the only beer available in NL. Due the fact that all the brews are gone, the city becomes full of angry newfies stumbling around in protest yelling, "Whoop Whoo whoop whoop ooop whoop whap." This roughly translates to, "Whoo Byz's all da brews is gan'." Except for the secret underground beer made from horses: Black Horse.
  • The centuries-old love story of John Cabot and Toni Marie Wiseman is re-enacted in pageant form each May 24th in Trinity, Trinity Bay, by Rising Pride Theatre, Newfoundland's first openly gay theatre company (which largely focuses on the work of Oscar Wilde). Wilde's first visit to Newfoundland was in 1882. On his way back to England from San Francisco he stayed with D.W. Prowse and family while waiting for the Sin Jawn's row boat to be repaired by Brenda Platypii. Wilde and Prowse had met while they were in Spain in the 1850s studying law and young boys. The two shared a love for hard tack and molasses that was surpassed only by their love for one another. Each year the torrid love affair between the two men is re-enacted by young baygays on stage in Trinity as a prelude to the now canonical theatrical rendering of Cabot and Wiseman's love story written by Mary Walsh entitled, "Giovanni and Toni-Marie.".

However some say that the 24 of may is a time of song and spring cleaning. Also it is a time for relatives to come home from "away".(Newfoundland has been experiencing a loss of population due to various reasons,one of them being the amount of ignorant people in Newfoundland).


The source of the Dominion of Newfoundland's vast offshore oil wealth, which ensures that Newfoundland remains a have province while Ontario becomes a have-not. Best known for having successfully repulsed a American invasion during Operation Iraqi Liberation when the horses deployed by the Bush crusades all unexpectedly drowned.

Fast Facts[edit]

Biggest Landmark: The Biggest landmark in Newfoundland isn't an iceberg, in fact it is actually David Fullerton's head.
National Flag: three vertical stripes, one pink, one green, separated by a white stripe. A nuclear warhead caressed by a codfish located in the center of the flag. It is there to represent the immense power NL holds, and what it lost. The flag was designed by Lord Danny Williams III.
Time zone: 23.96 days behind GMT.
ITU radio call-sign: There is no radio. Due to the Communist dictatorship messages are played through loudspeakers around the city. Individual loudspeakers identify using VO (voice of) with the rest garbled and unintelligible.
Country code: 1-709.
National holidays: Hang-Over Week, post-May 24; "Beginning or middle of the month(welfare checks get released" Buckmaster Circle Day, June 4; Battle of Beau-Mount Hamel Memorial, July 1; Irony Day, April 1st, Dil Tickles.
National Anthem "The Night Paddy Murphy Died" by Great Big Sea.
National Dessert: Jam Jams.
National Drink Newfoundland Screech.
National Hero Buddy Wasisname.
National Export: Newfies.
National Joke :What are six parts to a wood stove? Lifter, Leg, and Poker. Damper, Hole, and Scraper.


  • Me fadder.
  • A few years ago Newfoundland was taken under seige by a herd of Britains, led by the infamous Jay Robinson.
  • Famous landmark, the Raj Mahal, the Province's only blacky.
  • The 24th of May Weekend can be any weekend in May.
  • Famous female cod jiggin' legends including Katie Dobbelsteyn.
  • People in Newfoundland get excited when they see Snook on TV.
  • You (yes you, me son) have a 96% chance of running into a Newfoundlander, no matter where you go, and a 153.009% chance of running into one in Alberta. Alberta is said to be Newfoundland's second home.
  • Only 27.8% of Newfoundlanders live in Newfoundland.
  • Newfoundland is the only place on earth, besides Fort McMurray, that the word "bye" is used as a pronoun.
  • The Dominion of Canada has been under Newfoundland occupation since April Fools' Day 1949. Apparently Joey Smallwood (aka The Great One) had suggested that Newfoundland and Labrador annex Canada as an April Fools' Day prank and the Canadians have yet to catch on that he was only joking.
  • It is not uncommon to witness "Newfies" gnawing on raw codfish outside their homes (with a beer of course).
  • There will always be mold in Frank Roberts Junior High.
  • A lobby group of Labrador Huskies is demanding that the above read "named for three dogs" (the Newfoundland dog, Labrador Retriever, and Labrador Husky). This group is organizing themselves under the name "Three Dog Night".
  • Newfoundland is the home of the famous Hibernia offshore oil fields; instead of joining OPEC, the Dominion of Newfoundland relies on sharks to set oil prices.
  • Newfoundland has gained world recognition as the place where Paul McCartney wasn't.
  • It is quite possible that one day, sooner or later, Newfoundland will launch a war of independence against Ottawa. They will form an underground resistance movement called "The Army of Smallwood", which will be sure to get the Canadians quaking in their pants.
  • Due to Newfoundland's climate, there are no vampires (except of course, for Joey Smallwood).
  • The island of Newfoundland is actually on a free floating oil platform that can be moved at anytime.
  • There is actually a town called Dildo located there. It doesn't live up to its name.
  • There is also a community called Leading Tickles and once a year, the people from Leading Tickles and Dildo gather and perform secret rituals which have never been documented. This event is unofficially referred to as "Dil Tickles".
  • Newfoundland's national sport is shinny and it is the most popular sport during the season of Misery.
  • Misery is the only season in Newfoundland.
  • Newfoundland has the lowest rate of teen drug usage in Canada due to children being urged to start drinking as soon as possible. Pregnant women must start drinking as soon as possible so that the infant is ready to crack its first beer with their father.
  • Field parties are a popular substitute for your everyday house party.
  • Newfoundland is the only province to have a provincial beer. Actually two. It is known as "Uncle Bobby's Lard Tunderin' Private Stock." and "Black Horse."
  • Four-wheelers, Ski-doos, and dories outnumber cars 1000 to 1.
  • Trikes are illegal.
  • A boat service allows for travel between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. The boat is known as Lukie's Boat.
  • Lukie's boat was never actually painted green. It was at one time white, but the harbour stained it.
  • The official dress code for Danny Williams' cabinet requires all members to have a distinct yellow stripe down their backs.
  • The water in Sin Johns harbour is so dirty that it is considered by other nations as a Weapon of mass destruction.
  • Sea gull meat is considered a delicacy.
  • These locations are the Bubble (Sin Johns harbour), Sears Town during May 24, and Leading Tickles during the national holiday Dil Tickles.
  • Newfoundland's communist government are firm believers of capital punishment. The most popular sentence is "death bah bootin' in da harbour". This involves a sack being placed over the convict's head and someone kicking the convicted into the sewage and seal infested harbour. Most people do not last longer than three minutes in the harbour due to the ferocity of the seals.
  • The 2006 film Snakes on a Plane was set in Newfoundland. There was a typo in the script so the cast said "Hawaii" instead of Newfoundland. The snakes were the last shipment being exported from Newfoundland, resulting in Newfoundland being completely snake-free.
  • Sparta's 300 were actually Newfoundlanders on summer holiday.
  • Gonzaga High School does not have recess, as the children in that school are not competent enough to feed themselves, thus they have to wait until 12:00 p.m. for the lunch lady to spoon feed them. This ritual takes four hours.
  • Booth Memorial High School has a bunch of people that dwell in the cavernous "emo hall". The worst of the group being located nearest the stairway coming from the cafeteria. Try not to make contact with the 4-5 girls that usually sit there!
  • The Chamber of Secrets is actually located within Holy Hearts auditorium.
  • "Stump" is an icon within the walls of RL and NRL (Not real life).
  • BlueKaffee is the basis of any social interaction amongst teenagers living within Newfoundland. If it was not for this shitastic website people such as "Johnny Boy" would have never seen the light of day.
  • Most users on BlueKaffee have posted hateful or mean things about other people, even people who do not use the website. It is useless to report any cyberbullying to the administrators on BlueKaffee since they participate in the bullying as well. One particular administrator that takes part in the bullying is "dools".
  • The only two native species to live in Sin Johns harbour are the the "Man Eatin' Seals" and the "Great White Latex Jelly Fish" often reaching lengths of up to seven feet.
  • Mount Pearl Senior High consists mostly of people with the IQ of a donkey.
  • Fort McMurray, Alberta is Newfoundland's largest city.
  • O'Donel High School is the school for people who could not get into the now-full Mount Pearl Senior High, which is a school for failed abortions.
  • A popular newfie past time is clubbing Heather Mills.
  • The Newfie Aaron Hall was made famous when Disney sued him for copyright infringement. He claimed he was "Bigger, faster, stronger, and better at Halo which according to Disney was "A page out of the Mighty Ducks 2 script with a video game replacing a real sport". Disney also claimed homosexuality as a copyright of the company's, leading to a lawsuit demanding for 17 years worth of royalties from Aaron.
  • Harbour Grace is the most prosperous city in the province.
  • Tourists are warned to stay away from the area of St. John's known as "Kilbride". Unless you wanna get stabbed.
  • Donnie Dumphy currently controls all drug traffic within the Atlantic provinces. He can easy be identified by his 50cc, his mullet or by one of his famous catchphrases; "Get at me wolf", "No, Jimmy, NO!", and "Who gets on for free? DUMPHY!"
  • Bullying is encouraged and supported in Newfoundland, especially in Mount Pearl, where the school Mount Pearl Intermediate lies. Mount Pearl Intermediate is said to be the school with the most bullies in the province.
  • Blaine Hardiman, local Math legend of all things factoring and polynomial, is the pride of Newfoundland. Recently, he has attempted to take up cooking, but failed at life because he is a mathematician at heart always.
  • A group of government opposed anti-communists is ran by a fat bearded man named Crippy.
  • Newfoundland is home to the world's whitest man, Tyler Clarke; son of the legendary Shelley Clarke, and grandson of the notorious George Lopez.
  • Newfoundland is home to two very famous people. Dwayne Maloney who holds the record for the biggest ears in the world, and David Fullerton who has the biggest cranium in the world.
  • Newfoundland's first Jew was Gerard Butt.
  • Its native fish is the Bradley Baldwin.
  • Newfoundland's first outdoor, group orgy was done out in the woods next to Exploits Valley High. Many of the students who attend this school still participate in this very festive ritual.
  • Newfoundland is known for the most dirty, bad-tempered coach in the world. He has been seen breaking garbage cans, and throwing coke bottles at schools. He is known as the militious coach of Mobile.
  • There is also another coach just as sinister as the first, he is known as the coach of O'Donel, his molar mass is considered to be a very gargantuan number, 3.41 times that of Pb.
  • It gets so cold at winter, the boogers in your nose sometimes freeze.
  • The world's biggest snake was founded in Newfoundland. It weighed 7809 lbs. and was as long as two school busses, and a box of purity crackers.
  • In Newfoundland, sometimes you get lost in the woods.
  • Fairplay Basketball is a very popular sport in rural communities. Anyone can play as long as they have the following: At least one leg, a "fair" sense of basketball, and one person from each team must be inbred. Tattoos and Mohawks are optional.
  • Newfoundland is home to a very rare species of turtle, the testudines, also known as the Davis Riggs turtle. These turtles are very rare, in the past ten years, there has only been one sighting of these creatures, which was in 4 Grassy Lane.
  • Jonathan Thomas can solve a Rubicks cube. A feat that has yet to be matched by any other Newfoundlander.
  • Rob Furlong holds the world record for the longest Sniper kill. This was achieved when he fired his gun in training, and it went all the way around the world until it hit him in the back of the head.
  • Newfoundland has some famous bullies. Due to the legal issues though, their last names will not be given out, only full first names and inital last names will be given. These bullies are Steven F., Amanda L., Nick G., Sean R., Amy L., Amy R., Amy G., Sophie K., Corinna H., Kayla B., Harry H., Allison H., Allison M., Desiree N., Josh O., Becca W., Sarah P., Ryan Y., Natasha D., Carol T., Don L., Donny A., Norm L., Kathleen O., Geraldine L., Larry O., Kathy O., Steven N., Julie B., Michelle M., Chris S., Jarrett T., Lesley N., Ernest C., Joanne G., Heather G., Heather W., Stephanie L., Kimberly W., Liz S., Jasmine F., John F., Kim P., Kim A., Samanda S., Kourtney S., April H., Cheryl C., Brian V., Stephanie B., Megan H., Terry R., Ford R., Fred H., Jessany H., Robyn L., Alma H., Stephanie C., Allie H., Daniel E., Brittany R., Brittany Q., Brittany E., Audrey P., Meghan Q.Jazmine H., Sheldon P., Chelsey P., Staciee F., Vachon N., Jordan D., CJ D., Andrew L., Danny T., Ashley M., Carrie R., Chad W., Peter D., Peter Z., Becca P., Soyoung K., Glen V., Nicole O., Kimberly B., Nicole G., and Virginia H.
  • There is very little health care in Newfoundland and Labrador. The doctors only care about getting your MCP Number and after they do that they will just say "go see your family doctor" - even if it's for the flu! Only one walk-in clinic that is open to the public exists in Newfoundland and Labrador; that walk-in clinic is Blackmarsh Family Care Centre, it is owned by Virginia Hunt, and it is in St. John's, Newfoundland and Labrador. At that clinic, once they get your MCP Number they will tell you they won't do anything, even if it's for the flu. The rating for the clinic is 1.6 out of 5, based on Google Reviews.
  • One doctor from Blackmarsh Family Care Centre, Peter Zylbergold, will not allow any negative reviews to be posted about himself - on Google Reviews or RateMDs; he has posted several positive reviews praising himself on RateMDs and, on Google Reviews, in the reviews for Blackmarsh Family Care Centre, he made an account with the username "Stephen O" and posted a review praising himself!
  • Drinking the Newfoundland Water is what makes Newfoundlanders rude.
  • Newfoundlanders are only friendly to tourists and/or immediate family members, if these people don't have any qualities that the Newfoundlanders dislikes. If the person has one quality that the Newfoundlander dislikes, the Newfoundlander will be rude to that person in any way possible - call them names, ignore them when they are not doing or saying anything wrong, bring up everything negative about them, and/or physically attack them.
  • Mount Pearl Intermediate is a school where people learn to become bullies. One person will be the bullies' test subject and that person will be labeled "retarded".
  • Bullies that graduate Mount Pearl Intermediate go to Prince Of Wales Collegiate, where they continue to learn how to become bullies.
  • Newfoundlanders have their very own Scapegoat - the Scapegoat is a woman living in St. John's; the woman was given the role of Scapegoat in 1999.
  • The only facial expression Newfoundlanders are allowed to have is a scowl - if anyone is seen smiling or showing any evidence of happiness other Newfoundlanders will do everything they can to make the person change their expression to a scowl - the most common methods are scowling even more, insulting the person, personally attacking the person, and calling the person names. If that doesn't work then the person will be banished for life.
  • It is a common mistake for people to believe that Newfoundlanders are friendly. The reality is Newfoundlanders are the rudest people on earth. You can't get any ruder than a Newfoundlander or someone that's been living in Newfoundland for a while and has turned into a rude Newfoundlander. In fact, if you aren't rude people will say that you "try like a fucking psychopath to be their friend."
  • Newfoundland has its very own hockey team - the Newfoundland Scowlers, which is named after the only expression Newfoundlanders are allowed to wear - the scowl.
  • The Rude Newfoundlander is real. It's in St. John's.
  • Newfoundlanders are extremely narcissistic; they're called "Narcissistic Newfoundlanders". The most famous Narcissistic Newfoundlander is a woman named Kathleen; she resides in St. John's.
  • Newfoundlanders hate to be called "Newfies" because it is considered a derogatory term - it means that they are rude, arrogant, nosy, evil snobs. The term describes them PERFECTLY.

See also[edit]