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Motto: 'Find yourself in Newry, leave yourself back home'
Civic anthem: "Fields of Athenry"
State Ireland
Official language(s) Newry Nukk
Established 1900
Re-Established 1840
Currency Disappointed Tourists, Car Bombs, sheep
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Newry.

“High Church, Low Steeple; Dirty Streets, Proud People”

~ Jonathan Swift on visiting Newry

Newry Newry (from the Irish: Iúr Cinn Trá meaning "The Packie Under the Yew Tree at the Head of the Strand", short form An tIúr, "The Yew") is the fourth-largest city in Northern Ireland and has the largest community of Gypos in ireland. The River Clanrye, which runs through the city is normally used as a bath for these gypsies to bath and wash in, located halfway between Dublin and Belfast is Newry which thinks it's a city, as well as the central hive to two particular types of chav scum...the Skeet, a common street urchin and the Culchie, a wannabe GAA (Gaelic Athletic Accociation) shit head who's idea of a pimped ride is their fathers Massie Ferguson Tractor.

Newry is an absolutely brilliant place. Or is it?


Being nestled in so called Bandit Country both particular types of spieces thrive off their alleged links with the IRA (the ra!) or Provos, none or which are remotely true. Oddly enough they are anti-drugs i.e. Hash, anyone deemed smoking this is a hippy. "Get a hair cut yee hippy yeho!"


Dress sense is rather similar to that of regular chavs; Skeets can be regularly seen acquiring their attire in Louis Boyds, (general Ben Sherman etc) and Newry Market.

Big bunch of bollocks' who think they're wee tight lads goin round in their Fred Perry gear. They usually end up with the wrong ear pierced makin the lads look like a bunch of faggots (thus confirming the beliefs of the rest of the population). On a Friday night these lads roam the streets of Newry lookin for fights with lads at least 5 years younger than themselves but in the end get their arses handed to them. The female skeets on the other hand are a bunch of uneduacated bimbos who's only real purpose is to 'get takin up the rung' and increase the skeet population. Coming of age when being a skeet in Newry begins with carry outs in various spots in the town (Buckfast i.e Lurgan Champagne/Wifebeater and Cider ie Ding/Barrack-Buster/Beat-the-Wife) but general pub going starts at around 12 in Squires or if feeling dangerous The Barge. One would move up the ladder to the Quayside and once it had been mastered and you had graduated from Wikedy Blues on to a draught pint you can try your luck at O'Dowds where a chance at getting in to the ajoining club The Relic would be attemped.

Worst of all is the common names that non-skeets are given such as the usual Gay or Hippie but more surprising is "Slayer" used in the context 'You're a Slayer!/Slay your dog! Eat it's tail! etc'. You could also be branded a wobbly if you dont like dance music.

Skeet phrases include - slide on ye wobbley, skirt lively you skeety-boppin rotten head, wop those bags down, luk at the bears on thon, smell your teeth, me and your ma you bifter and other such local colloquialisms.


Ball Penis Minimalizers FC[edit]

DicChampions FC is a Northern Irish football club playing in the IFA Premiership. The club, founded in 121 bc, is based in Newry, County Down and plays its home matches at Showgrounds. Club colours are Blue and White. The club's man-handler is Gerry Flynn, having taken over after Roy Coyle left the club by anal penetration.

The club was originally known as Newry Town - it was renamed in 2004, two years after we discovered they were better than the shithole down the road Lisburn even though lisburns really up the road and distillery are still better than newry but anyway, ahhhhhhhhhhh newry, the only town inland wher eyou can smell the fish like its jusmpe dout right in fornt of ye and opend her legs!

Housing areas[edit]

Places to stay away from in Newry[edit]

Drumalane (here there is a group of youths and practice their boxing skills on the polish people that have recently moved in) If Polish Beware.

Mourne View (walking past here late a night you could find your self soon to be a father. This part of town has a very high teen pregnancy rate, this due to the large number of Sluts that wander here).

Shannon Park (If you support Celtic Stay Away).

GreenFeilds. (The name does not described this place in any way)

The Point Road (Smells of Crap)

Barcroft (A loaf of bread would cost you £5.30 from the shop here and that’s after your lucky enough to escape a beating from the local hoods before you even make it to the shop).

Town Areas[edit]

Sugar Island[edit]

Charming locals.

Sugar Island the Chinatown area of Newry with a large number of Chinese residents. In Sugar Island you can sample some for Newry’s finest Chinkey and Packie foods. There is a large selection of fast food take aways in this area of the town mainly Chinese. Just across from sugar island is the Bank bar, McSwiggins pub, the Bridge bar and the bridge off licence. The bank is the place to be if you want to get a beating from door staff, they usually taken you inside give you a beating then throw you on the street, however Newry has a very good emergency service who will be at the scene in no time at all to transport you to daisy Hill Hospital so your teeth placed back in your mouth.

Heather Park[edit]

Heather Park is the local carryout spot in Newry, on fine summer evenings you can go there to get steaming and meet crowds for fellow Newry people who mingle there also to get steaming. Things to look out for while in Heather Park are the PSNI (Black Bastards) they will take your carry out and ask you to move on. Other things to watch out for are random tramps who may try to start fights with you for no reason. Heather Park I located near Newry’s Court house.


Futher afield theres the underage club NV (once known as Caesars) is where the sexual misadventures begin. Over the road is the barn which is a fucking excuse for a club, Laceys. and Barn it is with a farmyards worth of animals and happy hardcore. Locals are aroused by the sound of Country and Western remixes, which can be heard emitting from the cracked windows of the Carrickdale Hotel.

This caused to many drivers on the nearby N1 to faint of happiness and crash their vehicles into nearby Ravensdale Glen. A resited dual-carriageway has been constructed and is now common to see Northern cars exceeding 120mph, using the excuse that they do not understand kilometres.

See also[edit]