Newton's laws of motion

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“Up and Down motion creates white lotion

~ Newton on his final theory and only triumph over Einstien, who claimed it was side to side.
These athletes demonstrate Newton's laws of motion

Newton's laws of motion were developed by Newton. That is why they are called Newton's laws of motion. These laws revolutionized the world of physics. Before Newton's laws, physics were in a state of anarchy. Things tended to speed up and slow down at random intervals, stuff reacted all by itself and toast always fell butter side up. Sometimes apples didn't fall from trees at all. They would float off the branches and hover in midair, or launch spontaneously into outer-space, never to be seen again. Thank God that one particular apple decided to fall straight down onto Newton's dome.

Unfortunately, after developing some very useful "Laws", Newton went on to invent some really disgusting cookies. For this, he was executed by William Tell.

Some lawyers say that Newton´s Laws are very soft in his punishment of criminal objects. For example, if a ball hits an old woman, it is punished with five eons in a Wal-Mart.

See Also: Apples

We briefly summarize Newton's laws.

Newton's negative second law: Isaac Newton is the only person who was able to travel at the speed of light. Immediately after he did this he bought a chili cheese dog at Barne's and Noble and changed his name to Chuck Norris.
Newton's negative first law: Newton was the first human to own a death note. His shinigami was responsible for dropping that apple on his head.
Newton's zeroth law: Regardless of your speed and acceleration, Gary Oak will always be at least one step ahead of you.
Newton's first law: We do not talk about Newton's laws of motion. and just to let you know, Newton loves everyone even you, well maybe not you but other people.
Newton's second law: We do not talk about Newton's laws of motion.
Newton's third law: For any action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, only opposite.
Newton's fourth law: Whenever you're in the fast lane, there will always be some towelhead taxi driver, or bluehair going, like, fifty. The fast lane is for people who want to go fast. The slow lane is for like you.
Newton's fifth law: All object tends to slow down, except for the Energizer Bunny. The Energizer Bunny is exempt from the laws of motion.
Newton's sixth law: The force on an object is the derivative of its linear momentum plus an appropriate frictional constant, whatever that means.
Newton's seventh law: All moving things eventually explode, therefore you're going to explode too. Deal with it.
Newton's eighth law: There is no Newton's ninth law of motion.
Newton's ninth law: Yes there is.

Newton's Other Laws[edit]

During his career, Newton developed other laws of physics which did not achieve the same level of popularity as the first four. These included:

Newton's ninth law: Misplaced objects are increasingly difficult to find in proportion to their importance.
Newton's tenth law: fares is best because he has ha reactionS.
Newton's most important law: Go to a cliff, go stand at the edge and then make one large step forward
Newton's tenth law(extension): If you run around a tree at double the speed of light then you can see yourself fuck your own ASS.
Newton's eleventh law: An object in motion in Florida will never use turn signals.
Newton's 36th law:If you enter the 36th chamber of Shaolin you don't get to use the other laws.
Newton's twelfth law: F=ma (Fame = Money * Aphrodisiomania)
Newton's fifteenth law: The later you get home, the more noise you make in the bathroom.
Newton's nineteenth law: Actually, there is no nineteenth law, because Newton forgot to come up with one. But it usually appears in comprehensive lists.
Newton's twentieth law: Nobody likes a smartass.
Newton's thirty-fourth law: If it exists, then there is porn of it.
Newton's infinite-ieth law: If there is ever a Newton again, make him sit under a coconut tree and make sure he dies of the coconut falling on his head, even before he thinks of discovering something like gravity
Newton's Ultimate Law: No you can't have a perpetual motion machine.
Newton's super ultimate uber law: Einstein sucks
Newton's super ultimate uber fantastical awsome law: 2+2=5 blah blah blah blah
Newton's 10^99 law: I made to many laws
Newton's super ultimate uber fantastical most awsome law: Your mom can suck it
Newton's super ultimate uber fantastical mostest awesome law: It is shiny
Newton's Megatastic law: If you run around a tree at the speed of light then you can fcuk your ASS while sucking your own junk. Based on this your head would be in your ass while sucking your own junk, which would be in your ass as well. Then you will travel back in time and your ass will be replaced with your head, your head with your junk and your junk with your ass.
Newton's Shits and Giggles Law: Trolls live under bridges.

These laws are a reaction of liam kettles mechanical errectum fusing with newtons fallin apple. creating a strand of upersium dough used in baking kitchen utencils. because of this, liams chode is considered to be too inappropriate for use of reproduction via hand corporation. THis means liam is a bi who likes to feel mens nipples and blasfeen them with sexual non-intercourse.

See also[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Newton's laws of motion.