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The sunny resort of Newtownards is most famous for its pleasant weather and jolly residents. One can read about said residents if one wishes by visiting the page on chavs or incredibly overweight odourous fuckfaces who just won't die.

Scrabo Tower: one of Tony Blair's many nuclear weapon hideouts.


Newtownards was formed shortly after the birth of Jesus. It was originally named "Wonderhouzen" but was renamed after the Nazis infiltrated the Town Hall and graffitied swastikas on all the desks. For some reason, they thought because the town had a slightly "exotic" sounding name, they were welcome to move there. But that's another story altogether.

During the early months of this town's creation, various people reported to see large, inflated women floating around the vicinity. This occurence, which ended in their poping and pooping, was followed by a large number of well-measures cubes of sand decending from the sky. Newtownards met its first financial setback, except for of course the crowning of McMarty.

The lesser-known encyclopedia "Wikipedia" may try to convince you otherwise, but everything in this article is 100% true. Oh yeah. It is.

In 1912AD, the town's people tried to pretend they built the Titanic, but then it sank and they were all too happy to give the credit to Belfast instead.

Buildings in Newtownards[edit]

Some of the most popular hang-out spots in Ards include the Conway square, where millies and homeless tramps like to mooch around and get "completely hamm3r3d on WKD like". Some of the more crass, inferior specimens also like to stand around outside the shopping center and fertilize each other while listening to their "beats", which consist mainly of a high-pitched Mickey Mouse-like creature squealing in time with a 10-second loop on repeat. Once again, for more information, see chavs.

Tourist attractions[edit]

Picture shows a 'meth' drinking competitor being eleminated at a recent drinking event outside Newtownards historic townhall.

One Down Two To Go.jpg

Another attraction

'Paddy' Mayne

Lieutenant-Col. Blair ‘Paddy’ Mayne, WW2 hero.

His statue guards the entrance to the town hall to prevent any Nazi (as mentioned above) visiting under the guise of being an ordinary German tourist? He now has a bronze book in his right hand in readiness to clout them over the head.

Religion in Newtownards[edit]

There isn't a lot of Religion present in Newtownards, except for in the older generations, where elderly men and women will travel to Sunday Mass in droves, much creating the impression of a biker gang, but with less leather and more tweed.

However, in the younger generation there is a lot of sectarianism present. For example, some of the more "mentally affected" millies will "slabber" at each other by calling one another "taigs" or "fenians", which means one may support a certain football team called Celtic. Catholic/Protestant slang and attacks in fact have little to do with Christianity, and instead the Celtic/Rangers relationship.

Schools In Good Ol' Ards[edit]

Movilla students doing what they do best... paying attention in school

There is quite an abundance of school rivalry in Ards, mainly between Regent House and Movilla High. Mainly, Movilla students are jealous because not a lot of Regent pupils get impregnated at the bus stop or stick their fingers together permanently with Pritt stick. Oh yes... oh yes.

Movilla is the peak of stupidity. Its owners thought they'd be smart and use natural light as opposed to artifical light, because it'd be cheaper. It SEEMS smart, but when they tried to fly to the sun to pay their first bill... well, you can see where this is going.