In 1903, the famous Jewish exploration team of Howard and Fine and Howard discovered Niagara Falls, which was claimed by them for the future state of Israel, in spite of the fact that there were already some 950,000,000 nomadic Palestinians living at the base of the Falls in dilapidated (and somewhat soggy) refugee camps. there's also a theory about Oscar Wilde accidentally finding it while having sex with George Bush
Destruction and Rebirth
In 1988, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Salt (now the born again Christian Sodium), travelled over the falls in a watertight capsule. The capsule was unable to withstand the pressure at the base of the falls, and burst open. Sodium has a strong allergy to water, and he exploded, destroying the natural wonder, and sending a massive tsunami outwards. Both the Israeli and Palestinian camps were destroyed in the disaster, and the falls themselves gained a massive pool at their base, as well as receding several feet. This pool is now the location of Uncle Vinny's Niagara Falls Therapy and Sauna.
Based on the success of Uncle Vinny's business, the Falls experienced a joyous renaissance, and both Israelis and Palestinians returned, and now live together in a string of technologically advanced communes spread across the Niagara region.
The United States, in an attempt to make up for losing their deed to the Panama Canal Zone in an ill-advised sucker bet with General Manuel Noriega, decided in 1999 to purchase the strategic waterway from Israel. Unfortunately, soon after the signing of the treaty, American surveyors made the shocking discovery that Niagara Falls was effectively unnavigable along its entire 100-foot length. The United States immediately sued Israel in the World Court for breach of contract, but the case was dismissed as soon as the judge and jury recovered from their massive bouts of hysterical laughter. Canada triumphed from the spoils of war, and possesses the more spectacular section of the waterway. The US has been pissed ever since.
A Bold New Initiative
In 2003, President Bush contracted NASA to design, by 2025, a manned watercraft that could actually survive the passage over the Falls. However, due to extreme laziness on their part, NASA decided to pass the buck by staging a competition between various manufacturers of wooden barrels such as Boeing, Lockheed Martin, and Luxembourg. The winner of the contest (the prestigious F Prize) will have their choice of either a check for $500,000,000,000 or a fancy dinner for up to four of the surviving test pilots at a Denny's to be announced later.
(To the tune of the Niagra Falls Marineland gay song.)
Viagra Falls, Ontario, Pen Island is the place to go!
You can leave the kids there for the day, Get a canoe and get away!
There's lots of fun to be had,
EVERYONE LOOOOVES BONERLAND.