Nicholas John Griffin
Nicholas "Fat Hitler" Griffin is leader of the far-out British Nazi Party. He also operates under the alias DJ Vinyl Solution, providing the thumping soundtrack to Ku Klux Klan and Neo-Nazi meetings the world over.
Cloned in 1958 by Dr Josef Mengele, Griffin was extruded in 1959 in the village of Aryan-cum-Hardy, Hants. Demonstrating an unlikely sense of humour, he was a candidate for the constituency of Barking in the 2010 British General Election.
Griffin's precocious intelligence was spotted when he began kindergarten. His mother, Klara, remembers her son had a natural authority: "The staff said they had never come across a child as bright nor as domineering as Nick. "Little fucker" was the nickname they gave him. I suppose he was just lucky to have been born with the right cocktail of genes. A fruit cocktail, mind you, but you can't have everything."
Griffin's move to secondary education proved more difficult, however; educated at an all-girls private school, Nick was able to attend only by pretending to be a girl himself. His secret was discovered when, at age thirteen, he suffered a mangina failure during a school medical. He was allowed to stay, with the provisos that he sit lessons by himself in a Wendy house and not enter the main building unless clad in a Burqa.
Nick Griffin’s appetite for Neo-Nazism was whetted by his father’s work for the Happy Hitler party. Fighting the forces of decadence in Britain’s cultural life, and the biological destruction and alteration of the British people, Griffin progressed from ironing his father’s black shirts to becoming chief pamphleteer.
Griffin continued his political growth at university and used the emerging Punk scene to promote Nazi values by forming the ‘Racy Mixers’. Whilst not a mainstream success, his band developed a cult following among other Narnia-jobs, producing hits like ‘I Am A Nationalist-ah’, ‘Pretty Boy Vacancy’ and ‘God Save The Queen - Which We Actually Mean’.
Since Nick Griffin ousted BNP founder John Tyndall from the party dictatorship, his style of leadership has been markedly different from his late predecessor‘s, with more attention paid to presenting a homelier (Nick’s home haircut), friendlier (Nick’s charming smile) and less overtly racist (Nick’s love of Chinese food) façade.
John Tyndall was ultimately expelled from the party for writing the following to Germany’s N(sda)PD:
"I could never look upon Griffin as a true BNP leader. From the beginning, there was something in his character and personality that troubled me. He just didn’t seem ‘quite right’. My wife, like many women, is an extremely good judge of people. She has met nearly all of my chief political associates and has never yet been wrong in her assessment of them. “Don’t trust him,” she warned, "He's a fucking nutjob."
Nick's BNP is the party Winston Churchill would support (if Churchill was called Winstein Kirkberg, was a former NSDAP member and had gone mad).
Chairman of Densa
In early 2006 Nick Griffin become the Chairman of Densa, the worlds first Low-IQ society, after 'Nice but Dim' Westwood stepped down. Nick decided to accept the position of power so he could corrupt others in Densa which his racist ideas, and further his cause of “deport[ing] the ethnics to Madagascar.” Surprisingly, ethnic minorities are still allowed to join Densa and Nick seems to have missed the opportunity to deprive them of something. Alternatively, letting a thousand blossoms bloom, he could be allowing them to join so he gets their addresses and can have them rounded up and “deported…to Madagascar.”
After appearing in a number of gay porn films from the late seventies onwards, specifically in Boys in Black Leather, Schindler's Fist and Dude, Where's my cock?, Griffin was accused of being a homosexual, a claim he has 'stiffly' denied. "I may have appeared in some films, but I had no idea at the time that they were being used as masturbatory aids by sickos, perverts and Martin Webster. As far as I was aware they were documentary films about the beautiful 1000-year Reich. Incidentally my next film, Gobble it Like Goebbels will be in all discerning shops later this year..."
- Nick is not a Hitler-admiring, Holocaust-denying traitor. It is quite wrong to say that supporting his party is akin to pissing on the graves of the millions who suffered under, and fought against, nazi insanity. He’s an all-round good egg - not a creepy psychopath who’d probably enjoy strangling non-Aryan babies with his stubby bare hands and then burning their bodies to heat the hot water he’d need to wash away the forensics.
- Nick lost his left eye to shaving foam whilst working as a stuntman on the 1968 action film, Carry On Camping (thus proving the existence of Karma). A section of his frontal lobe went too, resulting in Griffin having to spend the next six months in a special hospital learning to march, rant and wink again.
- Although committed to racial purity and the defence of Britain’s genes, Griffin himself was born without any DNA.
- It's a little known fact that Nick Griffin invented the phrases, "I'm not racist, but..." and, "Some of my best friends are...," which are the most widely used among BNP followers.
- In the 2009 European Election, some particularly miffed people threw eggs at Nick Griffin, sending him scrambling for cover. He was then whisked away to avoid a further beating. Frying with rage, he said it was no yoke and we could not afford to make an omelette out of the next election. He promised, one day, it will be all white.
- Bears an uncanny resemblance to Disney's Quasimodo.
- Nick Griffin has the amazing power of being able to transform into a 60 ft long griffin at any given moment
- Eventually convicted and given a Community Service Order to have group sex with some desperate aged Asian and African women. Given compulsory Bhangra Dancing lessons and required to do cleaning work in some Mosques.
- Griffin was the British Soggy Biscuit champion for a record 6 years between 1987-92. To this day he takes part in the BNP's annual soggy biscuit competition on the main stage at their annual 'Imbred shite are you' family fun-fest.
- Mr Griffin's song, "It Does Matter if You're Black or White: Unless You're a White Jew or White Homo, In Which Case You're Going to Hell Anyway," was, much to his own surprise, not a great success.
- He looks like a really, really ugly version of John Barrowman.
- Griffin has a massive fry-up every morning in which the food he indulgently devours is cooked with lard refined from his own skin.
- He has to have three baths a day in order to remove the grease which oozes from his skin
- He often is found singing and playing guitar in his band, Mumford & Sons.