What is Nicole Kidman?
Nicole Kidman is a walking talking 6 feet tall skeleton encased in a condom with makeup splattered all over it to give the illusion of a face. Despite what many people believe, Nicole Kidman is not actually a human-being. Many people around the world believe she is Australian, but what was actually said was "An Alien", not AustrAlien... this fact was proven accurate when people of Australia were asked what they thought about their very own Nicole Kidman and they replied, "Don't be stupid, if we owned that thing we would have taken it out back and put it out of it's misery ages ago"
The Media Whore
her it's arrival on planet Earth, the Nicole Kidman thing has always been attracted to attention. It gained a lot of it when it married actor and 3 time UFC watcher, Tom Cruise. This marriage proves that whatever Nicole Kidman is, it's not female; as we all know Tom Cruise is a limp-wristed, tail-gunning, visitor to Vegemite-valley.
Nicole then whored herself in the media as many times as she could for the next 50 years. She became known as an actor, but not a very good one. She demanded 1 million dollars or more per picture, and refused to do a movie that did not guarantee her an Academy Award nomination, hence why the rest of the world can't stand the bitch. She made many 100's of movies, such classics as.... well, we're sure someone could name one she was in.
By the time Nicole was said to be 35 years old, she was already appearing weekly on Entertainmentless Tonight as their weekly story on what shitty looking out-fit Nicole would be wearing to her next Tupperware party. Followed by exclusive interviews with Nicole about who made the dress for her, just how much more a faggot he was then Kujo, and where you can by one for a 3rd of the price Nicole whored out for it.
Pig Vomit Face Lift
Nicole's first fashion look of her known existence was based on the character "Betty Wilson" from an Australian TV comedy called "Hey Dad" but after the star of the show molested her at the age of 8, she fled to America where no one knew what "Hey Dad" was and she could start over fresh with a new look. So she stopped making up her hair by sticking her nipples in a light socket and began brushing it.
The new straight hair look led to her looking like a small little boy, and she was sought after by such men as Micheal Jackson & Tom Cruise who knew that she was not a woman, because women have breasts. Tom ended up winning the battle, as Micheal changed his mind after he saw the movie Home Alone and his heart focused elsewhere.
Nicole then underwent 3 Million dollars worth of plastic surgery to help improve her pig-faced complexion. Sadly, no surgery in the world could help her, and once she became of legal age, Tom Cruise dumped her.
These days Nicole looks like a boiled horse. She took beauty tips from Sarah Jessica Parker on how they think men want a woman to look. However, it's just a case of the old blond leading the even dumber red-head situation. In recent years Nicole has not been making any movies, this is due to Hollywood producers realizing that if you're going to pay such a flat-chested red-head so much money to be in your film, you may as well use Julia Roberts.
If you wish to find Nicole these days, all you need to do is tune into E.T and find out where Nicole was spotted taken a dump in public, followed by how much the fecal matter is going for on Ebay this week.
- 1893 Bum Bandits - you don't want to know what this film was about and Nicole doesn't either.
- 1897 Bush Christmas - Campaign film before she became a Democrat.
- 1899 Five Mile Crack - Hole in the ground presumably?
- 1901 Deep Skin - an Oil of Ulay special.
- 1902 Chased through the Night - her personal documentary about how she got a role as an extra after hounding the director.
- 1903 Country Practices - Involves sheep, unwholesome.
- 1904 Wind - a young woman struggles with a severe case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
- 1910 Days of Thunder - Sequel to Wind, the flatulence is bigger and better than ever and now available in smellovision.
- 1911 Farting Apocalypse - Days of Thunder sequel, joint effort with Tom Cruise.
- 1913 Fart and Away - sequel to Farting Apocalypse, critics felt that it didn't add much to the franchise.
- 1914 Malice - Gratuitous sequel to Fart and Away and this time there are runs involved.
- 1939 Mein Kampf - Nicole Kidman looks great in uniform, all that goosestepping too, finds time to invade Poland too in the Director's Cut.
- 1940 To Dye For - Woman thinks she's Maureen O'Hara dyes her hair red.
- 1941 Batman Forever - Deranged psychiatrist thinks she's Batman.
- 1946 Shite - The flatulence is back, and it's worse than ever.
- 1947 The Pisstaker - Nicole Kidman defuses bombs and saves the world.
- 1948 Practically Tragic - Woman with nose that won't stop twitching.
- 1949 Eyes Wide Shut - Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise could no longer stand to look at each other and so insisted on keeping their eyes shut throughout the film which was about a couple of blind deaf mutes, nothing happens in the film.
- 1950 Mauling Redhead - Woman can't stop snogging people, her red lipstick gets everywhere and Toulouse Lautrec is vaguely involved in some indeterminate way.
- 1951 The Others - Woman happens to be Catholic, knows some other people, strange shit happens and they all die!
- 1951 Birthday Girl - Nicole Kidman as Australian mail order bride.
- 1953 Doggy Style - Woman in Rocky Mountain Town has to pay her way by services rendered.
- 1953 The Stepped on Wives - After years of oppression, a group of wives walk all over their husbands in stilettos!
- 1954 Birth - Woman becomes convinced that 10 year old boy is her dead husband, oddly enough though some things are different, when she tries to ride piggyback on him he collapses, he always used to win their playfights but now she quickly sits on his chest and he writhes and yet can't get her off and goes blue. When she tries to jumpstart him he just wants to play with his Action Man. But oops, the explanation for this, it turns out he has read letters to a mistress of the dead man and memorised personal details and become convinced he is the dead man. Woman thinks this is sweet and decides to marry him when he comes of age and so at the end of the film they marry and live happily ever after.
- 1955 Interpreter - Thriller in which subtitles for film are switched resulting in Swahili being substituted in What's up Tiger Lily, because it's a Woody Allen film no one notices and assumes it must have been a deliberate innovation.
- 1956 Bewitched - Wicked spell cast on actress results in nose twitching tic she must stop before her next film.
- 1957 Fur - Actress begins developing bizarre body hair problem.
- 1958 Happy Feet - Psychotropic experiment gone wrong.
- 1959 The Invasion - Nicole Kidman single handedly storms Omaha Beach, saves Private Ryan, liberates France and Poland and kills Adolf Hitler before being indoctrinated by Nazis and undoing everything she had done.
- 1960 Margot at the Wedding - Actress thinks she is writer, runs away from nothing, hides in garden thinking ex-husband is out to get her.
- 1961 The Golden Compass - Gangster makes compasses out of gold, inadvertantly they end up on an orienteering trip, gangster wants compasses back, then Tartars arrive riding on wolves and wipe everyone out.
- 1962 Australia - Woman goes from England to Australia to raise sheep, isn't Wales near enough or something?
- 1963 Nine - Not to be confused with 9, 99 or Nein.