Nigel Thornberry

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King of the Wild Beasts with a poor imitation 'Thornberry'.

Sir Nigel Archibald Thornberry, OBE, is a television personality, wildlife expert and Tim Curry's alter ego. Born in 1934, to parents of Taiwanese and Scouse descent, Nigel rose quickly through the hallowed ranks of zoology, surpassing Bill Odie by sheer charisma. Nigel is also known for his flourishing moustache that has been described as "just fantastic" by fellow' tashe man' Des Lynam. From 2002-2011, Nigel Thornberry was reported missing presumed dead, the zoological society at large mourned. In February 2012 reports that Thornberry was found in his garage buried under a pile of his own merchandise have so far not been independently verified.


Raised by mud urchins underneath Wigan pier, from the age of 12 his interest in wildlife and the criminal underworld became apparent after he was found smuggling 16ozs of crushed dung beetles into Soviet Russia. He was caught by customs official after he sneezed and the illegal substance shot out of his cavernous right nostril. When questioned about this recently at a wild thornberrys convention in his hometown of liverpool he replied "blarghblarghblarghsnaarf." He was also arrested at the age of 18 after beating a prostitute to death, he only served 2 years for manslaughter on grounds of diminished responsibility as he had 6 grams of cocaine in his left nostril and 4 grams of ketamine in his right. His response to the guilty verdict was "blarghblraghbllaaarghhsmashing" he then had a seizure.

The Prison Years[edit]

Thornberry in prison.

Nigel's time in prison affected him greatly. A combination of his overtly British accent, nasal voice and unnaturally gargantuan schnozz led to heavy anal perforation whilst in prison. It was later revealed that a large build up of 'Cheetos' was responsible for both his horrendous konk size and his glowing orange lip-beaver. Years later Thornberry would look back on his abused years and comment "blarghblarhh smashing mumsie". Critics of Thornberry, most notably David Attenborough, have argued that "the only solution to such insanity would be euthanasia". It is believed, that whilst birthing her freak-son, Mrs Nigella Thornberry was carved asunder by her baby's deformed snout.

The Dark Ages[edit]

Upon coming out of prison Nigel has found an appreciation for breakfast and is currently the spokesman for crunchy-nut corn flakes. He also auditioned for the role of batman in Christopher Nolan's Batman Begins, critics believe their is an alternate universe where Nigel got the part and consequently ruined the film industry leaving Hollywood a dusty hellhole. However in the actual universe Nigel managed to star in several straight to vhs cult classics such as 'e.t 2' as e.ts uglier older brother and 'Pinocchio 2' as Pinocchios nose double. Nigel also flaunted his raunchy side self releasing his own batch of adult movies, a vast collection of them finding there way straight on to oxfam shelves, However with 'A night in Nigel' and 'The Wildest Thornberry', Nigel proved that there was still life in the old dog yet. Along with his passion for film, Nigel is an avid musician and filled in for Tito during the Jackson 5's 1980 tour of Middlesborough, leaving fans baffled and confused. Nigel was In an attempt to get back into the Zoological societies good-books after prison he founded the annual Thornberry Friday Frisbee Throwing time. He was accepted back with open arms.

Personal Life[edit]

Despite suffering several traumatising incidents throughout his life, Nigel managed to impregnate Marianne Hunter with his nose with a technique described by Nigel as "blarghblargh turkeybasting smashing!". Through such unnatural copulating Nigel spawned his immortal army of poorly fleshed out character-children, Debbie and Eliza. On the subject of his children Nigel has said he couldn't have been any more disapointed in them. Saying that Eliza's claim that she could talk to animals was "Grinding on me Fucking Beak". When asked about Debbie Nigel responded " She is dead to me,

Throughout his various escapades there was always one passion Nigel could take refuge in: Bestiality. However in a society Bestiality is frowned upon so as a cover up Nigel pretended his passion for animals was purely platonic and launched his first wildlife documentary 'Nose First into Nairobi with Nigel Thornberry'. First greeted with positive reviews, receiving an 87 on rotten tomatoes, it soon was exposed for the shoddy piece of visual shite it truly was, with many audiences realizing the lack of actual animal footage and instead noticing how much Nigel appeared in every shot with a strange expression on his face.


Are these the last remains of Sir Nigel Thornberry?

Following the failure of his documentary, Nigel said he was going to go on a decade long safari. Some months latter, images appeared on Twitter showing Nigel up to his old safari tricks. However, the last image of a skeleton and a naked woman next to it suggested the old adventurer had been consumed by a supporter of PETA. This was denied by friends of Nigel (two legged ones at least) and they have suggested everyone should check his garage before making wild assumptions about his fate.

See Also[edit]